Nicklas Bendtner can't work out where is party boy reputation is coming from, whilst Spurs' goal difference means they aren't winning, or doing. And a Harry on the turn...
Ozil is nicking a living and the Daily Mail speak for Liverpool fans...
Still Crazy After All These Years
Sir Alex Ferguson showed he could still ruffle some feathers this week through his interview with Charlie Rose. Still stir things up. Cause a bit of controversy. Set the football world reeling with some outlandish views.
When asked by Rose about who was good at this soccer thing, Ferg said:
"I'm a Pele fan from way back when I was a kid, and then there was always this thing later about Pele and Maradona. I was young and impressionable as a kid but it was always Pele for me. Today, I think that you have got to look at Messi and Ronaldo."
That Fergie, eh? Still causing a ruckus even in retirement.
"No English team has ever won in the Donbass Arena," The Sun sagely inform their readership, as a persuading argument for Danny Welbeck "taking the heat off David Moyes" by helping United to get a point against Shakhtar Donetsk.
Number of years that the Donbass Arena has been open for: three.
Number of matches hosted against English opposition: two.
Petr Cech has been bigging up his Chelsea team mates after their win over Steaua Bucharest on Tuesday, but the goalkeeper's excuse for the club's slow start in the league looks rather flaky.
Cech said: "We had a much more difficult start to the season than the other teams who are in front. They have had games that you would expect them to win."
Last season's average finishing position of Chelsea's league opponents so far: 10.2
Last season's average finishing position of the opponents so far of the four clubs ahead of Chelsea: 11.6
Much more difficult.
Headline in The Sun: 'Branko Warns Roy.'
Oh I see, the Montenegrin manager is spicing things up is he? Certainly looks like it in the tagline 'We're coming to wreck your World Cup dream', in a story which claims that Branko Brnovic 'insists his side are confident of embarrassing England.'
Actual quotes: "There are few teams that can boast such a good record against the English. Hopefully we can continue this trend."
Manager says that he hopes his side can win must-win match. Consider yourself warned, Roy.
Wicked And Lazy
Writes Mark Ogden in The Daily Telegraph:
'A stunning equaliser from Taison preceded a late onslaught by the home side and De Gea, dismissed as 'lazy' by former goalkeeper coach Eric Steele at the weekend...'
Hmmm. Well, sort of. Here's what Steele actually said:
"We needed to be able to communicate with each other straight away, even if it was just the basic terms. David is lazy in his desire to learn English. So I learned. I kept telling him to work on his English."
Hardly lying around on the couch in his pants eating doughnuts all day, is it Mark?
Reports Neil Ashton in The Daily Mail:
'Midway through the first half Pep Guardiola withdrew a notebook from the breast pocket of his classic, three-quarter-length navy jacket.
'In it he was surely sketching out Bayern Munich's route to the Champions League final for the fourth time in five incredible years.'
Probably writing about tactics or something Neil.
No worries, happy to help.
Don't Tell Our Friends
Reports The Daily Mirror: "With his slate-grey woolly jumper and matching regulation drainpipes, Pep Guardiola looks all the world a bemused teacher on a school outing"
Reports The Daily Mail: "Their coach [Guardiola] looks like a man who has just walked off the set of a fashion shoot for GQ magazine."
Mediawatch is siding with the Daily Mail. Mediawatch is off for a very long and very bleach-y shower.
Oxford's A Complete Dump
Liverpool hired some new hands to help out with their coaching staff this week.
The Sun tells us that 'three Liverpool legends' have been brought in, Eurosport reports 'three Liverpool legends join Anfield staff' while The Daily Mail hails the return of the 'Liverpool legends.'
In case you don't already know, the three men in question are Robbie Fowler, Steve McManaman and Rob Jones.
Mediawatch is reminded of when Edmund Blackadder ensnared a German spy by commenting that her English lover had obviously been to one of the great universities: "Oxford, Cambridge...Hull."
Tenuous Intro Of The Day
'SORRY MANUEL. He is from Barcelona. Pep Guardiola, that is,' blurts John Dillon, The Daily Express' Chief Sports Writer. Because, y'know, Guardiola managed Barcelona. And Manuel Pellegrini has the same Christian name as a character in a sitcom aired 38 years ago. See? DO YOU SEE?
And they don't stop there. 'Neither of the coaches here last night - Guardiola or City's Pellegrini - are, you guess, familiar with the tribulations of Basil Fawlty. He used to apologise for the fact that his waiter, Manuel, was from Barcelona. How times have changed.'
Yes, we get the 'joke', John. We're just not quite sure that it works.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Bad Herr day' - The Sun go to town on Joe Hart and his shampoo ad.
Simile Of The Day
"City's defence has crumbled like a meringue being smashed" - RTE's George Hamilton gets all desserty.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A former policeman who saw a man in a balaclava running down the street grabbed him and pinned him up against a wall - only to realise he had stumbled on a film shoot. Much to the surprise of the film crew the policeman shouted "Where do you think you're going?" at actor Jason Redshaw. Mr Redshaw was playing a robber who had just attacked an elderly woman in low-budget film, 27 Memory Lane, in the Cumbrian town of Sedbergh. Director Luke Hupton, 24, ran across the road and persuaded the former policeman to release the actor.
'Mr Hupton said: "The 'robber' was running down the street and the policeman was coming out of somewhere further down and he grabbed him. He had him pinned against a wall and had asked him: "Where do you think you're going?' before I could get over to tell him it wasn't real. The cameraman was running down the road, following the two actors, when this guy grabs the burglar. He obviously didn't see the cameraman. He told us he was an ex-special ops cop and he instinctively went for him. He had a laugh about it afterwards" - The Daily Telegraph.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters JJ Devaney and Hrishi. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.