The Sun conduct an 'experiment' and Adrian Durham knows how to spice up romance...
Steven Howard manages to be miserable at the Emirates, Jose Mourinho spouts some nonsense and Robbie Savage tries to help David Moyes...
Lawro, Lawro Nonsense
If you have a creeping feeling of dread right now, you will know that we are entering the footballing desert that is international week. Mark Lawrenson has sensed this and written in the Daily Mirror about the England team he would pick to play Montenegro and Poland.
'Personally I would call up John Terry as I still think he is the best defender we have,' writes Lawro.
Erm, we don't actually have John Terry, Lawro. He retired from international duty over 12 months ago and confirmed to England manager Roy Hodgson in May that he remained very much retired. If you remember, he took his ball home because the FA found him guilty of using racist language towards Anton Ferdinand after TV cameras showed him very clearly using racist language towards Anton Ferdinand.
Ah, but Lawro does remember...
'Yes, we know all about the background but the FA made a mess of the Jan Vertonghen/Fernando Torres thing last week. They are not perfect.'
Ah, so disciplinary cock-up in which player escapes ban for scratching face = using racist language. We all make mistakes, right?
Says Phil Jones of Adnan Januzaj: "If Gareth Bale scores one like the second goal, everyone's raving about it."
Yes, because absolutely no-one's talking about that Belgian kid at Manchester.
Play It Again, Sam
Sam Allardyce was happily lapping up the plaudits for his tactical masterclass at White Hart Lane on Sunday, rolling out his favourite old 'if I were called Sam Alardici' line. One wonders where this tactical genius was hiding when West Ham lost to Hull and Stoke earlier this season. Holidaying in his native Italy, perhaps?
Credit Where It's Due
From The Guardian: 'The Tottenham Hotspur manager gave Allardyce and West Ham absolutely no credit.'
Actual quotes from AVB: "West Ham deserve full credit, they played very, very well...they totally deserved it, and every time we tried to make changes to come back into the game, they scored again...they were very aggressive, getting to the ball first and they deserved the result."
We'd go so far as to say that's actually more credit than West Ham deserve.
No Punchline Necessary
Writes Jamie Redknapp of Steve McClaren's appointment at Derby in the Daily Mail: 'In this age when everyone wants a foreign accent in the dug-out, Steve deserves another chance.'
Talkin' 'Bout A Revelation
Frankly we're amazed that Redknapp did not refer to McClaren as a 'revelation' after a weekend in which has has been very, very keen to use his favourite new word.
On Saturday Night Football, Adnan Januzaj was described by Redknapp as a 'revelation'. Fair enough. Nice word, Jamie.
And then came Ford Super Sunday and Arsenal v West Brom...
"Aaron Ramsey - he's been a revelation this season."
"Jack Wilshere, we've not seen the best of him, he was a revelation last season at times."
"Anichebe was a revelation last week, causing Ferdinand and Evans all sorts of problems."
"Saido Berahino, must be on top of the world after his goal, to score at any time at Old Trafford is good...he's a revelation, a breath of fresh air to be honest."
Mediawatch looks forward to Jamie reaching 'S' in the dictionary.
From one Redknapp to another and the serialisation of Harry's book has begun in the Daily Mail. (Incidentally, how much must that hurt The Sun, who have been paying him handsomely to be their rather dull columnist for years?)
'I wouldn't trust the FA to show me a good manager if their lives depended on it. How would they know? What clubs have they ever run? Who do they speak to who really knows the game?' Redknapp writes as only a man overlooked for a job can write.
'This isn't about them giving the England job to me or Roy Hodgson, but English football being run by people who really haven't got a clue. And they get to pick the England manager!'
This particular excerpt ends with this line from Harry: 'The FA made their decision, they went with Roy and I cannot see me wanting to work for them in the future. If the job came up again, I wouldn't want to be considered.'
Two things, Harry...
a) Mediawatch is pretty sure that calling them 'clueless' pretty much guarantees that you won't be considered.
b) Of course you'd sodding take it.
Sorry, I Haven't A Clue
There's something wonderful about Harry bemoaning the FA's cluelessness while also revealing the story of him being conned by a pub potman pretending to be a jockey and being swindled for thousands of pounds and dozens of VIP match tickets over a period of three years.
Harry claims that received texts from the likes of Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney saying they would love him to manage England. Mediawatch wonders whether they were so keen when he failed to reply.
"I've never even sent a text message," he famously told a courtroom when claiming he writes like a two-year-old.
Same Man, Different Dream
Pablo Osvaldo on joining Southampton: "I wanted to play in the Premier League, I've been dreaming about it and I want to do something important in the league."
Dani Osvaldo 48 days and a name change later: "I'm already thinking about moving back to Argentina. I want to play for Boca, that's my dream. I have been dreaming about wearing Boca's shirt during my entire life."
The Sun's Mr Grumpypants Steven Howard asked on Wednesday: 'What now for Jack Wilshere, so-called saviour of England? The Arsenal No. 10 must now be wondering just how he gets back into the starting line-up of a side blessed with so much midfield talent.'
Do we have to say anything?
Quote Of The Day
"I'm not a thief, I'm the f*****g manager of Tottenham" - Harry Redknapp on being strong-armed after using th wrong exit in a supermarket.
Smoking Headlines Of The Day
'It's Ciggy Stardust' - The Sun.
'Smokin' Jack's lucky strike' - The Daily Mail.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Han So Low' - The Daily Mirror on Grant Hanley's handball.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Firefighters came to the rescue of a man in distress when he got his penis stuck in a toaster. It is unclear exactly what the humiliated gentleman had been up to, but fortunately London's finest arrived to extricate his manhood from the electrical device. Unbelievably, another adventurer rivalled his ridiculous antics by somehow getting his member lodged in a vacuum cleaner. And the ultra-professional London Fire Brigade staff have had to free 79 people from handcuffs in the last three years alone' - The Daily Mirror.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Adam Fraser, Kevin Griffin and Conor O'Mullane. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.