Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Do as Dave says or he'll sack ya, the healing hands of Tony Pulis and more unpleasant images...
Adrian Durham's campaign to laud Harry Redknapp by denigrating AVB continues apace on the Daily Mail website. So what's AVB's fault today? Is it the Post Office being sold off for pennies? Is it more fuel bill rises? Don't be silly Mediawatch, it's Mesut Ozil joining Arsenal, of course. It's utterly obvious to Durham that there is a direct link between Villas-Boas' stupidity and Ozil joining the Gunners.
Durham writes: 'Roy Hodgson said Townsend really caught his eye on loan at QPR last season. Makes you wonder doesn't it? If AVB had more faith in Townsend and kept him at Tottenham, they might have made the top four. And Ozil would never have joined Arsenal. What a massive mistake.'
Yes, what a massive mistake to send a player out on loan after he had played 23 minutes of Premier League football in the previous three months. Why oh why didn't AVB foresee that Townsend would look half-decent in an awful side bound for relegation and assume that he would do exactly the same for a team fighting for a Champions League place?
Silly AVB. It all went wrong for Tottenham the minute they sent Townsend on loan to QPR, ending in the inevitable sale of Ozil to Arsenal by Real Madrid. They only picked up 30 points from February in the Premier League, you know. Just 30. That's the same post-January points total as champions Manchester United but clearly Townsend would have earned them even more. Silly, silly AVB. Harry (who sent Townsend on seven loan spells in three years) would never have made that 'massive mistake'.
Welcome To The Blunderdome
Headline in The Sun: 'TICKETY BOO'.
Opening paragraph in The Sun: 'ROY HODGSON believes the FA have blundered by giving Polish fans 18,000 tickets for tonight's World Cup crunch.'
Firstly, 'World Cup crunch'? Is that what we're calling it now?
And secondly, no he bloody didn't. He calmly said that it obviously wasn't ideal that Poland would have a bigger presence in the stadium but that the FA "were virtually forced into this" because of security concerns.
But hey, when did The Sun ever let the truth get in the way of a negative story on the day of a massive England game? They're right behind them, you know (with a massive f***-off hammer).
Elsehere In The Sun
'SODDS LAW! We're already 20-1 to win the World Cup - so what can possibly go wrong?'
We? We? With friends like these...etc and so on.
Mediawatch did not want to return to Paul Hayward and Andros Townsend but the Daily Telegraph man has given us no choice with this hyperbole in his piece about Wayne Rooney: 'Over the years he has been obliged to seek understandings with the likes of Adam Johnson, Stewart Downing, Aaron Lennon and Shaun Wright-Philips, in wide positions. Good to decent club players all, but not of the standard reached by Townsend on Friday.'
We're still full from Friday night's humble pie but we can just about raise a flabby arm to point Hayward in the direction of Wright-Phillips' excellent England debut. We've helpfully chronicled it here.
The World's A Stage
On the same page of the Daily Telegraph, Alan Smith tells us that 'Rooney loves games like this, with the stakes high and atmosphere hot'. He might love them, Alan, but he doesn't always play very well. We would have said that the stakes were high and the atmosphere hot at the 2006 and 2010 World Cups. How did that go?
Singing From The Same Hymnsheet
"As far as we're concerned, the words Croatia and 2007 have never been mentioned. It is of no interest. The last thing we want to do ahead of this important game is to be dwelling on something negative from six years ago" - England manager Roy Hodgson.
"It's the failure of not getting to a tournament. I've already spoken to the lads about that feeling, since we joined up last week. Every time you get the chance to share a bit of experience it's vital to them" - England captain Steven Gerrard.
Scout Of Order
'We sent our reporter on a scouting mission to assess England's opponents and he found Poland are a...ONE-MAN BAND' says the Daily Mail with a big old picture of Robert Lewandowski.
What Sami Mokbel actually wrote: 'Lewandowski's club team-mate Jakub Blaszczykowski was arguably the best Polish player on the pitch in Kharkiv.'
Said And Dunne
Headline in the Daily Mail: 'Finished? Dunne's just had nine clean sheets in a row!'
Three missing words: 'In the Championship'.
Quote Of The Day
"The atmosphere around the the place has been brilliant because everyone has total respect for Bally. The lads in the changing room were buzzing. It's been a total 360" - Sunderland midfielder Craig Gardner fails to show a basic grasp of maths/cliches.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'CAN'T BE A RE-PETE' - The Sun with more uplifting tales of former failures. It's about Martin Peters, you see.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A patient broke wind while having surgery and set fire to his genitals. The 30-year-old man was having a mole removed from his bottom with an electric knife when his attack of flatulence was ignited by a spark. His genitals, which were soaked in surgical spirits, caught fire. The man, who is suing the hospital, said: "When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell, Besides the pain, I can't have sex with my wife.' Surgeons at the hospital in Merthyr said: 'It was an unfortunate accident' - We're unsure of the origin, this came to us via Twitter.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Dan Langford and Tumang Bokaba. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.