The Sun conduct an 'experiment' and Adrian Durham knows how to spice up romance...
Steven Howard manages to be miserable at the Emirates, Jose Mourinho spouts some nonsense and Robbie Savage tries to help David Moyes...
Taking It Slow
"Over the years, Manchester United have been slow starters quite often," says David Moyes, clutching at a straw so flimsy it would not survive a children's party.
The last time United started this slowly? 1989. Where did they finish that season? 13th. How badly is this going for Moyes? Awful.
Partying Like It's 1999
"I didn't think that at all," said Moyes when accused of making negative substitutions against Southampton. "We brought Danny Welbeck on and brought Ryan Giggs on. I thought we actually tried to get the second goal."
Ryan Giggs is now 39. He replaced Nani, who has created more chances per game (in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king) for Manchester United this season than any other player. Ryan Giggs is now 39.
There Was This One Game...
'Privately he'll point out to his last Everton team as proof his sides can play with flair,' writes Chris Wheeler in the Daily Mail. 'There was an entertaining 4-4 draw at Old Trafford that effectively cost United the title the campaign before last.'
Three things David/Chris...
a) If you can pin-point one game in the last three years, that's a sign that you haven't provided a whole lot of entertainment.
b) They still only drew.
c) As described by the Daily Telegraph live commentary of that particular match, it ended with 'every Everton player within 40 yads of his own goal'.
Booked And Paid For
David Moyes is probably not sleeping an awful lot right now. United have won just three of their first eight games - though they are of course notoriously slow starters - and the fans are getting restless. How could it get any worse for Moyes?
'THE NIGHTMARE could deepen for David Moyes this week,' writes Mark Lawrenson in the Daily Mirror. It could indeed - after all, they play a home game against Real Sociedad that they really must win. But that's not what Lawro means, is it? Let's begin again...
'THE NIGHTMARE could deepen for David Moyes this week when Sir Alex Ferguson's book comes out...it will be interesting to see whether Sir Alex reveals the players he would have signed had he not retired at the end of last season.'
Of all the revelations promised by Ferguson's autobiography - the truth about the exits of David Beckham and Ruud van Nistelrooy, the details of his fractious rivalry with Rafa Benitez - it can only be Lawro who is most looking forward to Ferguson saying that if he were still United manager, he would definitely have bought Cesc Fabregas. And it might only be Lawro who would believe him.
Remembering Like It's 1986
Lawro's old pal Alan Hansen is in the Daily Telegraph claiming that he won the league title with Liverpool in 1986 with a terrible team because 'we got ourselves together and built incredible momentum in the closing weeks of the season'. What he doesn't mention is that Manchester United utterly collapsed and won just five of their last 17 games. But yeah, it was all about attitude and momentum.
Jamie Redknapp knows what went wrong against Southampton: There was no Nemanja Vidic. He writes in the Daily Mail that 'after Manchester United conceded their late goal on Saturday, I wonder if David Moyes looked at his back four and thinks: 'I had a better defence at Everton'. Without Nemanja Vidic, how was that ball allowed to travel so far? Vidic would have put his head on it.'
Is that the same Vidic who was part of the United defence who shipped four at City? We didn't see him 'putting his head on' much that day.
Old Boys Club
"I think the challenge facing the team that comes up through the play-offs is as big as it has ever been," says Ian Holloway. "Sam Allardyce should be given a medal for keeping West ham up last year."
Perhaps he could buy his own medal out of the loose change left from the £20m he spent last summer.
We were confused/disgusted by Martin Samuel last week in the Daily Mail when he appeared to suggest that Roy Hodgson could not possibly have intended to make a racist remark because 'white people, particularly intelligent ones, always know where to draw the line'. He went on to say that 'there is stuff that white people know they cannot say. That doesn't mean it never gets said. It just comes out, you know, between us'.
This week he suggests that there should be no 'token black presence' on the FA commission because 'this presumes all black people, all minority ethnic communities, are the same. They are not'.
So to clarify: All white people think the same (as each other, and Samuel) but not all black people. We're still confused/disgusted.
Prescient Quote Of The Day
"I go on about performance because I don't just like to get three points," said Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers ahead of the Newcastle game. Well, the good news is that they didn't get three points.
One For Today
'The Passionate One' - The Daily Express. Only several thousand more adjectives to go.
Quote Of The Week
"My reaction was absolutely unacceptable. But my face is my face" - Jurgen Klopp.
Headline Of The Day
'JO AND THE VOLCANO' - The Daily Mirror on Jose's explosion.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'YOU'LL POY FOR THIS' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Most of us have squirted someone with a water gun before. But few have suffered the same fate as one woman who was apparently arrested for battery and domestic violence after shooting some of the clear substance at her boyfriend. At the time Giovanna Borge, from Florida, and her other half were not getting along, which perhaps explains why he didn't just laugh it off when he got sprayed. She was alleged to have wetted her boyfriend with the toy gun in order to 'to antagonize and agitate him against his wishes,' a Port St. Lucie police affidavit allegedly obtained by TCPalm.com said.
'The 19-year-old had apparently become annoyed when her boyfriend said something she did not agree with and decided to get her own back. But Ms Borges claimed the act was in retaliation to a pillow attack she had suffered from her unnamed lover. Luckily (and unsurprisingly) no one was injured in the exchange but the incident may cause some of us to be wary the next time we take aim at someone with a water gun' - Metro.
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