Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Do as Dave says or he'll sack ya, the healing hands of Tony Pulis and more unpleasant images...
Said Martin Jol on comparisons between Marco Van Basten's volley for Holland and Pajtim Kasami's strike on Monday: "That was totally different, you can't compare the two...but this was better."
Adrian Durham struggles to grasp the concept of the World Cup in his Daily Mail column on Tuesday as he bemoans a lack of quality in teams from Asia and Oceania.
'None of the four nations to qualify from Asia are in the world's top 40. In other words, they're all worse than Scotland,' writes Durham.
'In qualifying, Australia lost away to Jordan and couldn't beat Oman home or away. Iran lost at home to Uzbekistan, and away to Lebanon. Yet both Australia and Iran will be at the global festival of football that is the World Cup next summer.'
By that logic, Russia also don't deserve to be at the World Cup after losing 1-0 to Northern Ireland in qualifying. Perhaps Bosnia and Herzegovina should be denied a place at their first World Cup after losing to Slovakia, ranked 65th in the world?
Or maybe Durham is just talking utter nonsense as usual.
'Sure, the rankings system is flawed. But nowhere near as messed up as FIFA's qualification process,' he continues.
'If the World Cup's priority is to ensure there is a geographical spread of nations then they will succeed.'
No s**t. It's called the World Cup because it features nations from around the world. That's the whole point - it's a global tournament. Not the 'World Cup minus Asia and Oceania because those teams aren't very good'.
And besides, didn't South Korea out-perform all but three teams in 2002?
'Meantime, either Zlatan Ibrahimovic or Cristiano Ronaldo will be sitting at home, despite the fact they are both truly world class, belong at a World Cup, and both represent nations ranked far higher than any of those who qualified from Asia,' concludes Durham.
'Sweden and Portugal had qualifying groups way tougher than anything the Aussies had to go through. They'll be there because FIFA seem desperate to crowbar countries from Asia and Oceania into the tournament.
'Football is the loser, good work FIFA. A World Cup without some of the best players in the world.'
Boo f**king hoo. A handful of the best players might not make it to the tournament. Does that really justify almost entirely excluding two regions?
Of course not, but that's Durham Logic for you.
Unneccesary Clarification Of The Day
'He is the man Wenger is embracing more than any other, more than Ozil or Ramsey. They get the headlines but Wilshere is the one Wenger is most proud of,' writes Adrian Durham in the Daily Mail.
'That's so obvious. Wenger has raised him from a boy, in football terms.'
'Alex Ferguson aims to keep the peace between Wayne Rooney and Manchester United,' writes Neil Custis in The Sun.
'Fergie's autobiography comes out today - just two days before Rooney's 28th birthday.'
Don't do it, Fergie! Don't ruin his birthday!
Ian Wright loves Wayne Rooney, that much is clear. But it's odd that he loves him so much that he's willing to forget that the striker decided to leave Manchester United in 2010.
In discussing how Rooney will react to Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography, Wright says in The Sun: 'In 2010, when there were tales that he wanted to leave, how did he react to all the headlines?
'By going into his shell? By letting the rumours affect his game? Not a bit of it.
'While the dust was settling on that row, he came up with that stunning overhead winner against Manchester City and United ended up taking the title by nine points - with Rooney a major player in that triumph.'
Mediawatch doesn't wish to comment on Wright's bizarre hero worship, but it would be remiss of us not to bring up Rooney's comments in 2010.
"I met with David Gill last week and he did not give me any of the assurances I was seeking about the future squad," said Rooney. "I then told him that I would not be signing a new contract."
So it wasn't simply 'tales' made up by those mean and nasty journalists, Ian. Never believe your heroes.
'EVRA: I'M LEAVING' farts the headline in The Sun.
Actual quotes from Patrice Evra when asked if he's concerned about his contract: "No, not at all. It is a personal thing. It is not that Manchester United do not want me to sign a new contract.
"Manchester United would like me to finish my career there, but this is something personal."
Definitely leaving then.
On The Same Page
'Arsene Wenger does not want cards or a birthday cake today...simply confirmation that Arsenal still need him now he's 64' - The Sun.
'It was The Beatles who first posed the questions that will feel rather appropriate at Arsenal today. "Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?"' - The Telegraph.
'Arsene Wenger wants to be sure the Arsenal fans still need him when he is 64' - The Mirror.
All beaten - and beaten well - by The Independent, for which Sam Wallace re-writes the entire song as a musical tribute to Wenger on his birthday.
Brings a tear to the eye.
"He's a terrific talent and it's an old cliche but as long as he keeps his head down, he can do great things for the club," said Phil Jones of Adnan Januzaj.
"There's massive pressure on him and he's only a young kid but it's testament to him that he's come in and done a great job."
How old are you again, Phil?
"For him to come out with what he said was disrespectful to the players and one or two of the staff who were there," said former West Ham boss Billy Bonds on Harry Redknapp's version of events in his autobiography.
"He has been very liberal with the truth, but that's as much as I expected."
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Roud Not To' - The Mirror.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A cat has been busted for smuggling pot into a prison in Moldova.
'Guards became suspicious when the sneaky feline was spotted regularly nipping in and out of the jail through a hole in a fence.
'On closer inspection, officials noticed the cat's oversized decorative collar actually had two packets of marijuana attached to it
'According to The Associated Press, the Department of Penitentiary Institutions said on Friday that "someone in the village of Pruncul was using the cat as a courier to supply inmates with dope at the local prison."' - Huffington Post.
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