Roy Hodgson is asked the perfect question, Mr Grumpypants is back, Jamie Redknapp hates making comparisons. Plus Ace-watch, you lucky things...
England fans targeted for muggings and rapes, United go from credit to crisis in seven days and the curse that's not a curse...
Shock And Awe
The papers are predictably packed with revelations from Sir Alex Ferguson's 'explosive' new autobiography, but Mediawatch remains distinctly unimpressed by the tell-some stories that fill the back pages.
Ghostwriter Paul Hayward spoke of a 'news tornado' on Twitter on Tuesday and added that when it's over 'you'll find plenty in Ferguson's book about psychology, building teams and the spirit of Man Utd over 27 years'.
It is likely that the true charm of this book indeed lies in Ferguson painting the full picture of his character, including a self-preserving diplomacy conspicuous by the absence of juicy details on the biggest stories to shape his career and Manchester United since the 1999 treble win.
It is telling that the Glazer family are rooted to the bottom of The Sun's hairdryer scale of who receives the most criticism, and that Wayne Rooney also escapes lightly, while no-longer-threats Roy Keane, David Beckham and Ruud van Nistelrooy are blasted by Ferguson's hot air.
"I'm okay, quite relaxed. I remember having conversations about loyalty when I was at the club and I don't think he knows the meaning of the word," came Keane's rebuttal on ITV. "To constantly criticise other players that brought him success ... I won't be losing any sleep over it."
It would seem that United's former captain has a point, as Ferguson remains as keenly egotistical and loyal to himself as one would expect following 27 years at the top of the game.
'The theme of his beautifully-crafted autobiography is power and how to use it,' writes Oliver Holt in the Daily Mirror. 'It is about control and the crushing of those who threaten it.'
But it is also about when not to use power. When to use the hairdryer and when to suck it up and have another prawn sandwich.
'Ferguson is a football manager with a road named after him, a stand named after him and his statue in the forecourt,' writes Martin Samuel in the Daily Mail as he addresses a book that is big on awe, but lacking in shock value.
'He is a company man to his toes, no insult intended.
'The scores settled, the targets taken down, do not shock.'
That there are only two paragraphs in a book of 416 pages dedicated to the fall-out with John Magnier and JP McManus, which resulted in a drawn-out legal dispute and beyond to the Glazers buying Manchester United, reveals more about Ferguson than he possibly intended.
That he has remained resolute in his praise of the Glazers - fulfilling his duties as club ambassador - underlines that he is a man of contradictions and nowhere near as principled as he would have people believe.
As Jon Snow put it to Ferguson on Channel 4: "It was another aspect of control (banning the BBC) ... and that's in a way why you like the Glazers, because they've left you with control. They don't really control the club, you do."
"But they're supportive - that's the important thing. You always appreciate people who support you. And they were very good," responded Ferguson.
"It interesting that you describe yourself on the left of Labour, and yet ... you're content with the Glazers, but they are capitalists. How do you marry an admiration of raw capitalism with your politics?" continued Snow as Ferguson began to squirm.
"Because they supported the manager."
And there lies one of the leading truths of Ferguson's story. It is largely a tale of how he has been indulged, while others made mistakes. Indeed, it would be apt for it to conclude: 'Needless to say, I had the last laugh.'
But one wonders how much self-awareness Ferguson truly possesses to deserve that last laugh. Rafa Benitez is dismissed as a 'silly man' for his petty 'facts' rant and Roberto Mancini is rebuked for allowing Carlos Tevez to get the better of him, but by taking it easy on Rooney - the one player who made Ferguson dance to his tune - his words lack credibility.
We know about Keane, we know about Beckham, we know about Van Nistelrooy. But what we really wanted to know either doesn't exist or is held back to preserve Ferguson's reputation and ego. Oliver Holt is right about one thing in the Daily Mirror, Ferguson suddenly seems a whole lot smaller.
'Wayne Rooney is a slow learner and he struggles to stay fit,' writes Sir Alex Ferguson in his new book.
Yeah, what a dunce, spotting that Ferguson should have signed Mesut Ozil before he joined Real Madrid.
Slight Difference Of Opinion
'And I am one of the few who felt Gerrard was not a top, top player. When Scholes and Keane were in our team, Gerrard seldom had a kick against us,' writes Ferguson in his autobiography.
Said the manager in 2004: "If you were looking for the player you would replace Keane with, it would be Gerrard, without question. He has become the most influential player in England, bar none. More than Vieira. Not that Vieira lacks anything, but I think that Gerrard does more for his team than Vieira does, and has way more to his game. To me, Gerrard is Keane. He's got that unbelievable engine, desire, determination. Anyone would take Gerrard."
It's certainly one way to sell a book.
Stick It Up Your Bollocks
While Roy Keane may have a point with his rebuttal to Sir Alex Ferguson's claims, Mediawatch finds it a bit rich that he should take such offence to autobiographical revelations.
"I just don't think the manager needs to do it," said Keane on ITV. "I don't know how many books he's written now. A lot of these players helped win a lot of trophies. It's just part of modern life. People like to do books and criticise ex-players."
And players like to write books and criticise ex-managers.
In 416 pages dedicated to one man exercising control over others, Mediawatch finds no little irony in Sir Alex Ferguson referring to Rafa Benitez as a 'control freak'.
The Missing War
'Vidic was a dour, uncompromising sod. He was a proud Serb. In 2009, he came to see me to say he might be getting called up,' writes Ferguson.
'"What do you mean, called up?" I said, alarmed. "Kosovo. I am going," he said. "It's my duty."'
A good story, of course, but Mediawatch has been left slightly confused owing to the fact that the Kosovo War ended a decade earlier in 1999.
'In this season when there is suddenly a power vacuum at the top, it would enrich the game if a team like this Arsenal filled it,' writes Oliver Holt with no little hyperbole in his Daily Mirror column.
Mediawatch is struggling to think of ways in which an Arsenal title victory would make football better for the rest of us.
Childish Giggle Of The Day
Tweet from Cristiano Ronaldo on Monday: 'Thank you all for participating in the CR7 Boys Underwear Competition - it's been a real pleasure to see all of your photos.'
Later deleted with the follow up: 'Wrong phrases out of the contest (sic) can be tricky, especially for the ones not paying attention.'
Fergie Revelation Of The Day
'I had a lovely painting in my office that Kieran Richardson did.'
Freudian Slip Of The Day
"I am sure I will (read Ferguson's book) when the time arises - I have not got much time in this job, that's for sure" - David Moyes.
Unpleasant Mental Image Of The Day
Sir Alex Ferguson: 'The hardest part of Roy's body is his tongue, he has the hardest tongue you can imagine.'
Worst Headline Of The Day/Week/Year
'Grass ain't Grini-nuff' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A bridegroom has been jailed for 12 months after staging a bomb hoax on his wedding day to try to prevent his bride discovering he had failed to complete the paperwork required for them to marry.
'Neil McArdle, 36, had forgotten to fill in the necessary forms but could not face telling his fiancee, Amy Williams, because the wedding was "all she talked about", Liverpool crown court heard.
'Instead, as she got ready on their wedding morning, he slipped out of their house and went to a phone box. Disguising his voice, he rang Liverpool register office and said: "This is not a hoax call. There's a bomb in St George's Hall and it will go off in 45 minutes."
'Police quickly traced the call and he was arrested the same day. He admitted to his "embarrassment and shame" that he had panicked over bungling the forms and staged the bomb scare.
'Williams has stood by the defendant, the court heard, and they are still together.' - the Guardian.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Sam Gramann and Olatunji Ogunbiyi. If you see anything that belongs on this page, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.