Arsene Wenger is 'NOT UPSET', Roberto Martinez issues a dodgy guarantee and the 'daunting' 0.0868% chance...
Do as Dave says or he'll sack ya, the healing hands of Tony Pulis and more unpleasant images...
"Anyone who's been in football knows that whatever is said behind closed doors and in the changing room is something you wouldn't want to hear again," said Brendan Rodgers on Talksport when asked about Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography.
Mediawatch suspects that Ferguson will not be so keen to take a lecture on 'what happens in the dressing-room stays in the dressing-room' from a man who was at the centre of a TV documentary (Being: Liverpool) which allowed TV cameras into said dressing-room.
This is a man who was shown on television showing his team three envelopes and saying: "When I arrived here, the first few days were analysing the group, the staff, the players. I think there's three players who will let us down this year - the cause, the fight, everything. And I have written them down already."
This is a man who publicly described the defending of current players Martin Skrtel and Sebastien Coates as "soft" last season.
This is a man who described his then-player Stewart Downing as "lazy".
This is a man who then told the press that Downing had accepted an "incredible deal" at West Ham when reports suggested that he had actually taken a pay-cut.
In short, this is a man without a leg to stand on.
One Of The Few
Brendan Rodgers on Steven Gerrard: "This is a guy who at 33 years of age who is a top, top player. He's a wonderful talent and I don't think anyone could argue."
Sir Alex Ferguson: "I'm one of the few who felt Gerrard was not a top, top player."
The Daily Mail have 'imagined' what Sir Alex would have made of Manchester United's win over Real Sociedad.
Sample quote: 'THE wee Mexican lad Chicharito took a nasty boot to the face.'
He's Scottish, you see.
Neil Ashton writes about Shinji Kagawa in the Daily Mail (what is he doing writing on a Thursday? Since when has Ash Thursday been a thing?) and basically concludes that he's not a winger. Which is fair enough. But his logic is a little skewiff.
'It was not his night, not even with excitable TV cameras from home trained on his every touch. He didn't get nearly enough,' writes Ashton. 'Kagawa wants to play in Rooney's position but he doesn't have the work-rate of his rival for a place in the team.'
Number of touches by Rooney v Real Sociedad: 77.
Number of touches by Kagawa v Real Sociedad: 77 (not nearly enough).
Ashton also writes that there is a 'long tradition of top-class wingers at United, something that is stitched into the heritage of the club'. Right enough.
'George Best, Steve Coppell, Andrei Kanchelskis and Ryan Giggs are among some of the gratest names in United history to race down either wing at Old Trafford. Kagawa is nowhere near their class.'
Thankfully for Kagawa, he doesn't have to compete with Best, Coppell, Kanchelskis or Giggs at his peak; he just needs to be better than Ashley Young or Danny Welbeck.
Presumably Ashton also thinks Phil Jones and Jonny Evans should hang up their boots because they're no Jaap Stam.
Brothers In Arms
The less-evil Neil Custis on the back page of The Sun: 'WAYNE ROONEY last night brushed off Alex Ferguson's stinging criticism.'
His brother Shaun Custis on p67: 'ALEX FERGUSON clearly got Wayne Rooney riled with his critical comments in his autobiography.'
We'd like to think Neil did it on purpose.
The Sun also opine that 'Ryan Giggs - operating in a central role - certainly did not enjoy one of his best European nights'.
Which is bizarre as Giggs, who looked rather good to this observer, actually set up four United chances, dribbled past five Real Sociedad players, made four interceptions and was accurate with both his attempted crosses.
Fair enough, it might not have been 'one of his best'. But he has had hundreds.
From RTE's George Hamilton's commentary of Manchester United v Real Sociedad last night: "Ryan Giggs, who is going to turn 40 next week...ageless is a word that springs to mind."
Actually, 39 going on 40 springs to mind, George.
Clarification Of The Day
Steven Gerrard: "Everybody understands that I'm not 21 anymore."
Not A Hol Lot Of Surprise
Palace midfielder Owen Garvan on Ian Holloway in September: "I'll be here longer then he will...trust me."
What A Difference Three Months Make
Back in May Ian Holloway took Palace back to the Premier League via the play-offs and, according to the BBC, 'hinted he will not be overhauling his playing squad' as he said: "How much you spend on your group isn't always what gives you [success]. It's what's inside their hearts and how much they work for you. To me they're Palace heroes."
Three months and 16 summer transfers later, Holloway left Palace with the words: "I didn't value the spirit of the group enough. I changed the group to give us a chance to stay up but lost that spirit. We've got worse in that vein rather than better."
If only August's Ian Holloway had listened to May's Ian Holloway.
"There are rumours of fractions within the Palace dressing room,' revealed former Eagles midfielder Shaun Derry on Talksport.
Derry also suggested that "it looks tough for Palace when you see some of the results they've got coming up". Which is harsh but probably fair.
The first of those tough Palace results comes at home to Arsenal on Saturday. Jack Wilshere is keen to point out that the Gunners are not seeing the game as a gimme, with the England midfielder saying with respect: "It will be tough away at Palace, it always is."
Number of times Jack Wilshere has played against Palace: None.
The last time Arsenal lost at Palace: 1979.
Headline Of The Day
'Manu Is Spurs' deputy Sheriff' - The Sun.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Roo's Novel Way To Win' - The Daily Mail. It was an autobiography, duh-brains.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'It sounds like every woman's nightmare, and is not going to help the cause of getting more women to lift weights, but Candice Armstrong's obsession with steroids led to a quite a disturbing result. After using a steroid called Trenbolone, the 28-year-old former barmaid found that the drug slowly started to turn her into a man, causing her to grow facial hair and a tiny penis. Talking to The People, she said that her hatred of her former body is what drove her to use the drugs' - Huffington Post. Seriously, go and look at the pictures.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter JJ Devaney. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.