David Moyes is 'absolutely awesome' but very slow, Neil Custis and Robbie Savage choose to ignore last season and more nonsense...
Nicklas Bendtner can't work out where is party boy reputation is coming from, whilst Spurs' goal difference means they aren't winning, or doing. And a Harry on the turn...
The Daily Mail predictably go big on Joe Hart's absence from Manchester City's starting line-up against Newcastle, despite the fact that Costel Pantilimon was always expected to start the Capital One Cup clash.
As well as compiling a painstaking 'Pantilimon Watch' (74min: A knowing frown creeped across his brow. Had the true meaning of Kafka's Metamorphosis finally dawned on him? Or perhaps a stray fart drifted past his nostrils), the Mail pay far more attention than necessary (where 'necessary' is no attention whatsoever) to the back-up keeper's relationship with Joe Hart.
Reel in the body language experts for more sham psychology.
'There were no hard feelings between Manchester City goalkeeper Joe Hart and his replacement, Costel Pantilimon, before kick-off when the England stopper helped the Romanian warm up,' writes Sam Cunningham.
'It must have been hard for Hart, knowing that his gaffe against Chelsea on Sunday might have cost him his place against Newcastle last night, but he didn't let it show as he helped Pantilimon prepare himself for the big match.'
Or perhaps he didn't let it show because it wasn't 'hard' for him at all, considering he probably knew Pantilimon would start the Newcastle match before his error at Chelsea.
Of course, those of you who don't work for the Mail, or have a memory like a sieve, will remember that Pantilimon started City's previous League Cup tie against Wigan, as well as every FA Cup match except the final last season, so it would have been more of a shock if Hart had played on Wednesday.
People Like You
Writes Ian Ladyman in the Daily Mail: 'City's evening didn't improve much early in the second half, either. If this had been a performance under their previous manager Roberto Mancini, people would have suggested the players were not trying for their coach.'
Let's not be coy about this, Ian. By 'people', you mean you.
'Footballers should just play, of course. The reality, however, is that some don't,' wrote Ladyman after Man City's 3-1 defeat to Southampton in February. 'No matter what they may say publicly, they play when they want to and it's hard to escape the feeling that some on Saturday looked as though they didn't care enough.'
There is nothing more tedious than taking a decibel reader to a football match and comparing the results, so that's exactly what The Sun did on Wednesday (as well as the Daily Mail) following Andre Villas-Boas' criticism of Tottenham supporters.
As well as providing us with the fascinating news that 'Tottenham fans make more noise than Maria Sharapova's grunt and come up just short of a pneumatic drill', sonic scribe Dean Scoggins forces some of the most painful puns Mediawatch can remember.
'It cranked up to a power mower at kick off as the went past the 100db mark,' writes Scoggins. 'So not so much Silence of Lamela and more Jan Ver-songhen and Jermain Deaf-oe.'
Sweet mother of Christ.
No Sh*t Sentence Of The Day
'Steven Fletcher has warned that Sunderland still face a tough relegation battle despite the joy of their derby victory over Newcastle,' writes Simon Bird in the Daily Mirror.
Considering they climbed just one place to 19th, are still five points from safety and have the worst goal difference in the Premier League, Mediawatch tends to agree.
Said Yaya Toure: "United will find it hard to defend the title since they have a new manager and are really struggling."
Well, they've struggled to two points behind you, Yaya, so maybe don't write them off just yet.
Mediwatch notes with interest the sudden media exposure afforded to Alex McLeish, which should have Crystal Palace fans' fundaments twitching like a bunny's nose.
Sky Sports News kicked off the breaded-ham fun on Thursday morning, trailing their build up to the weekend with Jack Wilshere, Pele and ... Alex McLeish. A who's who of footballing greats if ever there was.
The plot thickened when Mediawatch noticed Charles Sale's jarring description of McLeish as a 'top-rated manager' in the Daily Mail, causing us to question whether a game was afoot.
And then we turned to The Sun and the headline 'Big Eck Eyes Palace Post'.
This management lark's easy when you know the right people.
Nickname Of The Day
Reports The Sun: 'Manuel Pellegrini's lucky Pants helped Manchester City reach the Capital One Cup last eight.'
Let's hope the City keeper never has a rush of blood.
Laboured Intro Of The Day
Writes Graeme Bryce in The Sun: 'Ignasi Miquel admits he has sent his Arsenal teammates to Coventry since signing for Leicester! The 6ft 4in centre-back revealed he has temporarily cut his ties with his Gunners plas since going on loan to the Foxes.'
If you're having to use an exclamation mark, you know it's a crap joke.
Lady In Red
Headline on the Daily Mail online: 'Lady in Red: Liverpool sign MISS WORLD to front LFC TV (and she's Chris de Burgh's daughter)'
Wow! 'MISS WORLD'! It might as well read: 'Click here perverts! Woman nearly in the nud'
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Thomas a Verm believer' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'When planning officials signed off on the design of this church, they failed to take into consideration one potential problem.
'While it may look like a normal building from the ground, eagle-eyed internet users have noticed it resembles a giant penis when viewed from above.
'The Christian Science Society, whose slogan is 'rising up', recently moved into its new greener place of worship in the city of Dixon, Illinois.
'And it didn't take long for one local resident to take a grab of the unusual design from Google Earth before posting it online.' - Metro.co.uk
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