Martin Keown solves Chelsea's defensive problems and why Arsenal should fear Napoli tonight...
The Sun conduct an 'experiment' and Adrian Durham knows how to spice up romance...
Play Like Fergie's Boys
The Daily Mail whip out the calculators and crunch the numbers on Friday to inform us exactly where Manchester United would be if Sir Alex Ferguson was still in charge - and the results aren't good news for David Moyes.
'In June, David Moyes bemoaned the cruel fixture computer which pitched Manchester United against some of the Premier League's big hitters in the opening weeks of the campaign,' writes Craig Hope.
'But, as the old footballing adage goes, 'You've got to play them all at some point'. That being the case, how would Ferguson have fared?
'Well, taking the corresponding results from last season, it makes for interesting reading - uncomfortable, even, in the case of the present Old Trafford incumbent.'
Some would call it 'interesting', while others, such as Mediawatch, may prefer to think of it as utter bulls**t.
Hope continues: 'Indeed, while Moyes' boys have stuttered, taking just one point from home matches against West Brom and Southampton, the same fixtures last term yielded a maximum return.'
'For Ferguson, heading into this weekend's trip to Fulham would have had United joint top of the table, only kept off the summit by virtue of Arsenal's slightly superior goal difference.'
It didn't take long for the Mail to catch on to the idea that Moyes is never going to compare well to Fergie, did it?
'Somewhere down the decades football has suffered a humour by-pass. The simple game we grew up with has become over-bloated with its self-importance,' writes Jeff Powell, a man with seemingly no sense of humour, in the Daily Mail.
'Nowhere is that tendency more pronounced than among some of its most celebrated players, nor the comparison with heroes of the past more invidious.
'Consider contrasting stories about Cristiano Ronaldo and Alan Ball.'
Powell may have a point - although hardly an original one - as he continues to berate Ronaldo for his super-massive ego, as if every modern footballer is exactly the same as the Portuguese, but he of course allows himself to get carried away by his rose-tinted memories of the past.
After recalling a story of hilarious bantz when Ball was first called up to the England squad, and how the midfielder laughed off his embarrassment, Powell writes:
'For the record, wee Bally grew into a World Cup winner.
'Ronaldo, all his considerable and exciting ability notwithstanding, has yet to equal that accomplishment. Perhaps it would have helped accelerate the process had his considerable ego been punctured by the odd practical joke earlier in his career.'
If Mediawatch isn't mistaken, Powell appears to be saying that if Ronaldo been taken down a peg or two when he was younger, he might have come closer to winning the World Cup by now.
Forget all those thousands of other variables - it was his big bloody ego that got in the way.
Said Patrice Evra: "It is when we win ten games in a row that I will say Manchester United are back in business. At the moment we are not."
Forget winning the title last season, or in 2011, or the Champions League final appearance in the same year, because according to Evra United haven't been 'in business' since the start of 2009 - the last time they won ten games in a row.
Mark Lawrenson has put his finger on Manchester United's problems as he makes his Premier League predictions on the BBC - they need to be booed more. Deafening boos, if possible.
'(The fans) booed loudly when Nani went off after 58 minutes - as in, they booed him. I was sat there thinking "whoa, where did that come from?" but that was the crowd showing their frustration,' said Lawro.
'They kept on doing it in the final half-hour, literally screaming at United's players every time the ball went out of play because they felt the team were just sitting back, and they were not having it.'
'People say Old Trafford can be quiet but I think United's supporters were instrumental in turning the tide in that game, and then the last few minutes we saw the old Manchester United.'
That's right, folks. There's nothing like a good booing to give the players a boost and turn the tide. Someone should tell Andre Villas-Boas.
Slight Difference Of Opinion
'Friedel: Dropping Joe could bring out best in him' - the Daily Mirror.
'Joe Hart's confidence could be shot to pieces with dire consequences for England if he is axed by Manchester City. That was the warning from Tottenham's Brad Friedel' - the Daily Express.
'Gus Poyet admits Italy striker Emanuele Giaccherini is "frustrated" at being axed."
He's probably also frustrated that the Daily Mirror don't even know what position he plays in.
Manchester United might be struggling in the Premier League, but help is at hand from an unexpected source. Step forward Robbie Savage in the Daily Mirror...
'They are not playing at a high enough tempo. There are not enough players running from midfield to get behind the opposition back four,' he writes in a column that appears to be an open letter to the Glazers, should they get itchy feet.
'Rooney is having to come deep to receive the ball when he should be getting more support in the box from midfield.'
Ah, of course. That must be it. It's not as if Rooney playing behind Robin van Persie was a key feature in United's title victory last season.
Just Doing His Job
'I found the reaction to Fernando Torres scoring Chelsea's winner against Manchester City a bit patronising,' writes Robbie Savage in the Daily Mirror.
'Yes, Torres chased a lost cause and was rewarded for his persistence. But for £50million, isn't that the least you expect of Britain's most expensive footballer?'
Does Savage think that Torres signed for Chelsea last week? Or is everyone supposed to forget that he's struggled desperately at Stamford Bridge for almost three years?
"Everyone can lose it," said Mikel Arteta as he defended Luis Suarez. "I lost it once against Morten Gamst Pedersen. I poked his eye. Afterwards I was like 'What are you doing? This is stupid.'
For the record, Mikel, poking someone in the eye isn't quite the same as racially abusing an opponent as well as biting two others.
Mediawatch is glad we had this talk. If only it was face-to-face, you beautiful, beautiful man.
Seemingly not content with already accusing Yaya Toure of making up his allegation of racist abuse, CSKA Moscow have now claimed the midfielder's complaint is part of a bizarre vendetta held by England after missing out on the 2018 World Cup.
"The mood of vengeance among the English for having lost out to Russia influenced the case," CSKA managing director Roman Babaev is quoted as saying in The Sun.
"After the match the British journalists encouraged Yaya Toure and other Manchester City players to expand on the theme.
"The English just can't accept they lost to our country in a fair fight. We don't believe racist behaviour by our fans has been proven."
Yes, it's all a big conspiracy. Roman.
Said John Obi Mikel: "This game is all about winning and the manager that brought this transformation of winning to this club is back now.
"He still has the same idea of how he wants us to approach every game with a win, win mentality.
"I came to this club at 18 and he made me think 'win, win, win'.
"...Now that he is back, we hope that we can continue winning the trophies that we won since he left."
Has he been spending too much time with Charlie Sheen again?
Quote Of The Day
"The problem is not that we are doing badly, it is because we are not doing things well enough" - that's one way of looking at it, Patrice Evra.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Lu Get The Feeling It's All Gooner Go Wrong' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'An octogenarian versus a hungry Russian bear. It was a confrontation that could have ended only one way, and yet shepherd Yusuf Alchagirov was sitting upright in bed this week and happily munching on the three traditional pies his family had baked in celebration at his survival.
'The bear approached Alchagirov, 80, in a raspberry field in the southern Russian region of Kabardino-Balkaria last week, but despite his age, Alchagirov showered kicks and headbutts on the bear and managed to knock it off balance.
'The bear, apparently irritated by the feisty shepherd, tossed him off a cliff and sauntered away, said Alchagirov in an interview with local television. He was hospitalised with bruises, bite wounds and four broken ribs, but was spared a mauling, and released within a few days. It is not known whether the bear suffered any lasting injuries.
'"I got off easy. It would have killed me if I'd chickened out," Alchagirov said.' - the Guardian.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter John Windmill. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.