Follow a transfer journey with the Daily Star from start to finish, whilst Arsene Wenger has changed his outlook to only use older players. Plus, who cares about Giroud's hair?
'Man uses cash machine' is the Mail's big scoop, and more pandering to Liverpool fans...
The Daily Mail online have found the non-story to beat all non-stories on Tuesday as Pep Guardiola held a suspicious meeting with Luis Suarez's agent.
'What was Bayern Munich manager Pep Guardiola doing at a trendy London eatery on Friday afternoon...meeting Luis Suarez's agent?' stirs Sami Mokbel.
'Sportsmail can reveal the Spaniard - who joined the German giants in the summer - was in the Big Smoke over the weekend making the most of the international break with a trip to London.
'But was he here on business or pleasure?
'Guardiola enjoyed lunch in Borough Market's lively restaurant Eliott's Cafe - and was joined by Liverpool forward Suarez's representative.'
For those of you in the know - and Mediawatch is certain there are many - Suarez's agent is of course Pep's brother Pere Guardiola. The Mail later admit this crucial piece of information, but not until they've swept up all the clicks from worried and irate Liverpool fans who are outraged at this suggestion of murky dealings.
The only story here is that a man met his brother for lunch.
What. A. Scoop.
'Sometimes you feel England live in a sort of Cloud Cuckoo Land,' writes Steven Howard in The Sun, a man who lives in a joyless place in which all the cuckoos are presumably dead.
'The reality is they lost 2-0 to Chile only last Friday and if Germany beat us tonight it will be the first time in 36 years England have lost successive games at Wembley,' continues Mr Grumpypants, placing undue significance on a statistic that means the square root of f**k all. Surely every time England have lost at Wembley over the past 36 years they have been in danger of breaking that record?
'Yesterday, though, Roy Hodgson and Steven Gerrard were still trying to keep the Feelgood Factor going and talking about how well England played against Montenegro and Poland in qualifying for the World Cup.
'It was almost as if the result against Chile never happened. I think they call it Blue Sky thinking - as in only concentrate on the positives.'
What else would you suggest, Buzz Killington? Should they say England have no chance of beating Germany after losing to Chile? Question the point of wasting another summer getting knocked out in the quarter-finals? Or perhaps they're right to do what every other footballer and football manager would do before a big match and focus on the positives - which don't simply disappear after one defeat.
Mediawatch enjoyed Steven Howard's '7 things we want to see tonight' feature in The Sun, in which he exhaustively lists a 'solid display from Hart', 'no wobbling in defence', 'Andros on fire again', 'a step up from Cleverley', 'even more from Lallana', 'Rooney and Sturridge' and 'full-backs play it safe'.
So that's the keeper, centre-backs, full-backs, central midfield, wingers and attack covered. Basically he's asking for a good performance. Except that can't actually be true, as we know how much Howard would love England to lose.
The Daily Mail's relentless 'Joe Hart Watch' continues on Tuesday as Matt Barlow writes: 'Joe Hart prepared for his first game in more than three weeks with an intense and flawless final training session under the supervision of England goalkeeping coach Dave Watson.
'Hart worked ferociously for an hour yesterday with John Ruddy and Fraser Forster before joining a training game with those who will line up in front of him at Wembley tonight.
'His reactions were impressive and some of his combination saves were breathtaking when witnessed at close quarters...'
It's really getting a bit creepy now.
In the interest of schadenfreude and hits, the Daily Mail have named their '£150m flop squad' of Premier League 'summers (sic) signings who have failed to match the hype'.
For starters, Maarten Stekelenburg's inclusion is rather harsh after the keeper missed six matches through injury - hardly the definition of a 'flop' - but Fulham's problems are laid squarely at his door by writer Craig Hope.
'His last four outings, however, have all ended in defeat, shipping 13 goals along the way,' writes Hope. Yes, because Stekelenburg is clearly the weak link in that side.
Even more cruel are the inclusions of Aston Villa defender Jores Okore and Chelsea midfielder Marco van Ginkel - both sidelined with cruciate ligament injuries that somehow deem them worthy of 'flop' status.
'The Denmark international has already been ruled out for the remainder of the season after rupturing cruciate ligaments in the 2-1 defeat to Newcastle last month,' is the verdict on Okore. Note the use of 'already', as if only 'flops' get injured this early into the season.
And on van Ginkel: 'With the injury expected to keep him out of action for six months, the 20-year-old will probably have to wait until next season to make his mark at the club.'
No s**t. But let's not let that get in the way of labelling him a 'flop'.
Laboured Intro Of The Day
'Translated from Dutch, Bloemfontein means fountain of flowers and yet for English football it will forever be associated with a very different kind of shower; one that did not smell of roses' - Matt Barlow provides his own stinker in the Daily Mail.
'Keepers? We've got plenty...' is yet another infuriating headline in the Daily Mail that tries to suggest Germany are mocking England's goalkeeping 'predicament'.
'Unless you knew otherwise, you could be mistaken for thinking the Germans were rubbing it in when it came to England's goalkeeping problems,' writes Sami Mokbel (he's on form).
And then, four paragraphs later: 'Low's comments were in no way intended as a slight on England's goalkeeping predicament.'
A nothing story about Joachim Low being happy with his goalkeepers, manipulated into an arsey headline and intro in the Mail that tries - and achieves, in Mediawatch's case - to get a rise out of the reader. Well done.
Boy From Brazil
Writes John Cross in the Daily Mirror: 'Everton boss Roberto Martinez says England starlet Ross Barkley is good enough to play for Brazil.'
Actual quotes from Martinez (who, incidentally, was speaking to talkSPORT, which rather makes it seem like Cross spent his Monday sitting around listening to the radio): "The balance he has with both feet is brilliant, and technically he's really gifted. You would see that techinical ability with any Brazilian or Dutch player."
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Kab For Younes' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Don't hate the player, hate the middle finger that's now pointing at your house from your jilted lover's back patio.
'Alan Markovitz recently moved in to a home in Bloomfield Hills, Mich., next door to his ex-wife. He then proceeded to erect this bronze statue in her - and her new boyfriend's - honor.
'The middle-finger statue was brought to the world's attention, according to Gawker, by Lenka Tuohy, the daughter of Markovitz's ex.
"It's hard for me to enjoy my baths now because my fav tub is in my moms bathroom which faces out towards tif and alans house," Tuohy wrote in a tweet that has since been deleted.
'Markovitz who is a strip club owner and author of "Topless Prophet: The True Story of America's Most Successful Gentleman's Club Entrepreneur," said his beef is not with his ex, but with her new lover.
'Deadline Detroit reports that, according to Markovitz, his ex had an affair with the man she's now cohabiting with.
'"I'm so over her," Markovitz said. "This is about him. This is about him not being a man."' - Huffington Post.
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