Follow a transfer journey with the Daily Star from start to finish, whilst Arsene Wenger has changed his outlook to only use older players. Plus, who cares about Giroud's hair?
'Man uses cash machine' is the Mail's big scoop, and more pandering to Liverpool fans...
Do As Dave Says, Or Else
Here's a thing.
It's a given that people lose their sh*t if a chairman or owner tries to interfere with team selection. Roman Abramovich is frequently accused, Vladimir Romanov saw off a number of managers in his time at Hearts and Vincent Tan is trying to dip his fingers in that particular pie at Cardiff.
All of those owners are criticised and decried as charlatans, so one imagines that the chairman who said this would receive similar treatment.
"I was unhappy about the selection of the team - he should have been playing [name temporarily redacted for the purposes of a Big Reveal].
"The lad got a tremendous cheer from the fans when he came on. For some reason he didn't select him, though. I just don't think he has been choosing his strongest side.
"I have asked him three times this season, 'Why are we leaving [name temporarily redacted for the purposes of a Big Reveal] out?' He didn't think he was fitting into the team."
Those words were said by....[Big Reveal ahoy]....Dave Whelan, explaining why he got rid of Owen Coyle. Oh, and the player in question was the undroppable Roger Espinoza.
And the headline The Sun choose to publish those words under? 'WHY COYLE HAD TO GO.'
Whelan went on to say, in response to talk that he went into the dressing room at half-time during a recent game and asked for changes to be made: "No, I have never done that and would never dream of doing that."
So Whelan wouldn't dream of interfering with team selection. He'll just sack you if you don't pick the players he thinks should be playing.
Managers of the land, get those applications in now.
The Healing Hands Of Tony Pulis
The Daily Mail sensibly give the Andre Villas-Boas bashing a rest this morning (for the most part), but don't worry - there's still plenty of bullshit to share.
For example, they have some handy advice for Tony Pulis, giving him 'three things he must do quickly', the first of which is:
'Get Glenn Murray fit.'
Or, 'develop miraculously healing hands, sharpish'. No bother, Tone.
We spoke too soon about the Villas-Boas thing. And by 'too soon' we mean 'before we'd read Adrian Durham's column on The Daily Mail website'.
Durham writes about Villas-Boas' discussion with Neil Ashton: 'What a shame that positivity was lost because the manager couldn't handle someone else's opinion.'
If Durham genuinely thinks this was all just because of someone else's opinion, he's on a similar level to a journalist who doesn't know what the word 'we' means.
Headline from The Daily Mirror: 'Ashley bashes Swansea flops.'
Intro from The Daily Mirror: 'Ashley Williams has demanded more from his Swansea team-mates in a bid to shake off their mini-slump.'
Actual quotes from Williams: "We have to expect more from ourselves...Everyone, myself included, can do better."
Notes Derek McGovern in The Daily Mirror: 'When you play Dimitar Berbatov, Darren Bent, Adel Taarabt and Bryan Ruiz, your team-sheet doubles as a resignation notice.'
Number of minutes those four players have appeared together: 0.
Reports Charles Sale in The Daily Mail, about the hotel England will be staying in at the World Cup:
'The hotel houses a hamburger and hot dog bar which is open until 1am.'
Someone take some large pieces of crooked wood to nail over the door of...certain players' rooms.
The Glorious Return Of Acewatch
From Eurosport: 'Rolling back the years! Ex-Prem star scores non-league wonder goal.'
The 'ex-Prem star' in question? Glen Little.
Misleading Headline Of The Day
'WC location key for Hodgson' - F365. A man of Roy's age has to keep these things in mind.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Broozilliant' - The Sun. Just when you think the 'Roo' headlines couldn't possibly get any worse...
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Business leaders in Hull have defended their choice of featuring a porn star in their successful bid to be named UK City of Culture. Poppy Morgan, 30, who has made nearly 170 adult films, featured in an official brochure given to judges visiting Hull. She was featured alongside Sir Tom Courtenay and Maureen Lipman in a section on film and television.
'The brochure was part of Hull's successful campaign to be named UK City of Culture for 2017, reports the Hull Daily Mail. Business marketing group Bondholders jointly produced the guide with the city council at a total cost of £7,000.
'The organisation's marketing manager Nicola Baker said: "Poppy Morgan is an acclaimed actress - albeit in the adult film industry. She won Best Female Actress of the Year at the 2006 UK Adult Film and Television Awards in London. This guide is clearly not about condoning porn but it is about celebrating Hull's diversity of culture and entertainment" - Orange.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Mike Broomfield. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.