The exact sum of money doesn't matter so just guess, a professional footballer has gone out for dinner and everyone gets caught hook, line and sinker on Marco Reus...
Follow a transfer journey with the Daily Star from start to finish, whilst Arsene Wenger has changed his outlook to only use older players. Plus, who cares about Giroud's hair?
One To Keep On File
Writes Martin Samuel in the Daily Mail: 'Yet Allardyce is Tottenham's friend. He will pick the team new manager Sherwood would like to see.'
Mediawatch will remember Samuel's criticism of Sam Allardyce's plans to field a reserve side when his newspaper praises Tim Sherwood for achieving what Andre Villas-Boas could not, should Spurs beat West Ham tonight.
The Sun - who employ Harry Redknapp as a columnist and claimed Tottenham were in 'turmoil' just a month into Andre Villas-Boas' reign - continue championing Tim Sherwood's managerial credentials on Wednesday as the Englishman prepares for his first match as Spurs' caretaker boss.
'THE TIM-INATOR: Tough guy Sherwood took on Hodgson...and won,' farts The Sun's headline, accompanied by a troubling mock-up of a Sherwood/T-800 hybrid (yes, Mediawatch is a geek).
So, what tales do Honest Tim's former teammates tell to propagate this tough-guy image?
According to Kevin Gallacher: "That Blackburn squad loved a laugh on and off the training pitch and five-a-sides were a big part of things under Kenny Dalglish when we won the title.
"But the sessions became a lot more serious under Roy (Hodgson). Tim tried to get across the players' views and there was a clash between them.
"Tim wanted to get the players smiling again and bring a bit of joviality back."
Wow, what a tough guy. What a champ - sticking it to the man and asking to play five-a-side. That's the sort of no-nonsense approach that'll turn Spurs around.
"We used to call him 'Slippery'," Gallacher continues.
"He was like an eel - you never quite knew what he was up to and he was one of the big practical jokers around the place.
"If people had their clothes cut up or something left in hotel rooms, you could be sure Tim was involved."
Ah, forget what we said about no-nonsense.
'Meanwhile, it seems Glenn Hoddle would be interested in managing Tottenham again,' report The Sun.
'A statement on a website he co-founded read last night: "Zapsportz.com understands Hoddle will certainly help if the club makes an approach.'
How noble of him, offering his help to Spurs seven years after his last disastrous management job.
How To Curry Favour On Merseyside
'With the captain's armband on - particularly at a club where it is a symbol for so much - he raised his game to another level,' writes a fawning Neil Ashton on Luis Suarez for the Daily Mail.
'It was a masterclass in attitude, endeavour and honour.
'He scored twice, had a hand in three others and behaved like a choirboy.'
Please can someone pass Mediawatch a bucket.
'AVB's dossiers and boring tactics turned Tottenham's swashbucklers under Harry Redknapp into hermits,' writes Mike Walters in the Daily Mirror.
'But Sherwood marked his first training session in charge of the squad yesterday by reinstating the club's core value of commitment to attacking football.
'And to prove the point, he could recall striker Emmanuel Adebayor - exiled by Villas-Boas - in a new-look side.'
There is so much wrong with these three paragraphs that Mediawatch barely knows where to begin.
Firstly, let's cut through the bulls**t of Spurs' 'core value of commitment to attacking football'. Only six times in 21 Premier League seasons have Spurs scored 60 or more goals. Where was this famed 'commitment' when they finished 14th in 2004? Or when they managed only 44 goals in successive seasons in 1997 and 1998? Or when they scored just 55 goals - the same as relegated Blackpool and fewer than West Brom (11th) and Newcastle (12th) - when Redknapp was in charge in 2010/11?
Villas-Boas may have struggled to get goals out of the team this year, but he was hardly guilty of ignoring a 'core value' synonymous with Spurs' history. And it's only right to dispel the myth of 'Arry's entertainers' - that exists largely because of two thrilling matches against Internazionale - by pointing out that Redknapp's 'swashbucklers' averaged 63 goals in his three full seasons in charge, while Villas-Boas' side notched 66 in his single season.
And finally, to Adebayor, whose recall apparently proves the point that Sherwood - who has never taken charge of a first-team game at any level - can already be called a more adventurous manager. We're not sure if you were paying attention last year, Mike, but Adebayor managed only five goals in 25 Premier League appearances and eight in 34 in all competitions. He certainly isn't the symbol of attacking football you claim him to be.
Write The Sun in their report on Ashley Cole's performance for Chelsea last night: 'Cesar Azpilicueta's display at right-back showed he is the more versatile of the two.'
Surely Azpilicueta's recent displays at left-back - which isn't his natural position - have been more significant in proving his versatility?
Laboured Intro Of The Day
'Football's relationship with possession statistics may have evolved in the dozen or so years since Tim Sherwood's last game for Tottenham, but the most important premise remains. Possession, they say, is nine-tenths of the law, and Sherwood is the man in situ at Spurs, albeit on a caretaker basis, after the firing as manager of Andre Villas-Boas' - the Daily Mail.
'Another birthday looms for Ashley Cole on Friday and until recently he might have expected a certain symmetry to match his 33 years: a pair of No 3 shirts for club and country' - also the Daily Mail.
Said Paulo Wanchope: "The most memorable time (in England) for me has to be the day that I signed for Derby County - that was a special day.
"And then, of course, the debut at Old Trafford is something I will always remember."
A tour of the Baseball Ground followed by signing a few pieces of paper and a handshake with Jim Smith or this? Stop pulling our leg, Paulo.
Quote Of The Day
"If something was proven I would be willing to go out into the street and - I know this is a strong thing to say - I would kill myself" - Gennaro Gattuso may have a problem if he's found guilty of match-fixing.
Troubling Image Of The Day
'Brucistas will not be dropping his name on coaching courses in order to gain easy credit as a progressive force for good in the game. But something strange is happening at Hull City.
'The urban dictionary defines a hipster as, amongst other things, an independent thinker who rejects the culturally-ignorant attitudes of the mainstream. The tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers and thick-rimmed glasses might have to wait but Bruce has proven himself a manager committed to doing things his own way at the KC Stadium since his low-key appointment in the summer of last year' - Sky Sports' Adam Bate extolls the virtues of 'hipster icon' Steve Bruce while Mediawatch tries not to think about the Hull manager cramming himself into a pair of skinny jeans.
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'First Ade' - The Daily Mirror.
'The Poy Did Good' - The Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A Florida man walked into a convenience store with a four-foot alligator and tried to trade it for a 12-pack of beer, according to wildlife authorities who cited him with illegally taking the animal from a park.
'"That crazy guy, he came to the store with a small alligator. He tried to sell it to buy a couple of beers,"said Javier Herrera, the store owner.
'It was unclear why the man thought the clerk at the Santa Ana Market in Miami would accept the reptile as payment' - RTE.ie
Thanks to today's spotter Brian Byrne. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.