Manchester United players have the temerity to 'relax', whilst we find out who 'the woman' is. Plus, it's high time we banned medical professionals from the touchline...
Sacking David Moyes will cost United £200million (sort of) (not at all). Plus United are now as bad as Chelsea and Manchester City, in that they want their managers to be successful
The See Word (Part One)
Manchester United have lost four games at Old Trafford this season; this is their worst start in 51 years; they have beaten just one team in the current top nine.
But it's okay because David Moyes has a plan...
"We'll keep going and try to win the next game and see where it takes us."
You can 'see' if you want, David. But we suspect winning the next game will take you to seventh. Exactly where you are now. Unfortunately, there are no plans to introduce 15 points for a win over Swansea.
The See Word (Part Two)
David Moyes is not the only one 'seeing' how things turn out, with Tim Sherwood saying: "I think we've got good enough players to achieve something, we'll just see what that is."
Thanks for that, Tim. Mediawatch is pretty sure that even Sunderland have got 'good enough players to achieve something'. It might be relegation but it will at least be something.
Life Is Tweet
Cannot find a list of Premier League results for the festuve period? Struggling to work out what all those numbers mean? Thankfully, the Chief Sports Writer of the Daily Telegraph is on hand with a tweet...
'Good Christmas/New Year: Ars, City, Chelsea, Fulham, Spurs. Costly: Soton, Swansea, Cardiff, W Ham, Liverpool, Norwich, Newc. Mixed: Ev, Utd'
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Paul Hayward gets paid the big bucks.
Paul Hayward may think that Christmas and New Year have gone well for Arsenal (thanks, Paul) but John Cross has spotted a problem.
'NICKLAS BENDTNER kept Arsenal top of the Premier League yesterday, but Arsene Wenger faces a striker crisis,' he writes in the Daily Mirror.
The crisis? He only has Theo 'five goals in five PL starts' Walcott and Lukas '111 caps, 46 goals for Germany' Podolski at his disposal.
Only an Arsenal fan could call that a crisis.
Brendan Rodgers' enthusiasm can be infectious. It's certainly infected John Edwards of the Daily Mail (who is fooling nobody with the byline pic taken in the mid-Eighties, by the way).
He writes after a 2-0 win over Hull described as "the best win of the season" by Rodgers: 'LUIS SUAREZ up to 20 Premier League goals for the season and Steven Gerrard back ahead of schedule. The graph kept rising for Liverpool throughout the old year, and there is little to suggest the new one will be different.'
Right. So have we all agreed those defeats to Manchester City and Chelsea simply didn't happen? That the drop from first to fifth in the final two games of 2013 was a figment of our imagination? Come on...even bloody Hayward noticed.
Take The Bait
'Jose Mourinho is desperate to get his mind games going - but no-one is biting,' writes Jamie Redknapp in the opening line of his Daily Mail column, apparently with no irony at all.
'I had a feeling Tim Sherwood would manage without any fear,' writes Redknapp about his good friend Tim Sherwood. Why didn't he just ask him?
Ultimately Meaningless, Eh?
Mediawatch has been off for a few days over the festive period, but while we have been spending most of our time in a hot tub filled with melted chocolate, drinking daiquiris and being fanned by four muscle-bound men named Chad in nothing but loincloths (What? How did you spend Christmas?), we did occasionally dip into the papers, a world murkier than our imagination.
Particularly when Martin Samuel writes sh*te like this in The Daily Mail. Samuel wrote about 9/10ths of quite an interesting piece on Monday about Nicolas Anelka's quenelle gesture that he used to celebrate a goal against West Ham. In the piece he provided some background about Dieudonne M'bala M'bala, Anelka's comedian pal, some of which we already knew, some of which was new to us, most of which was interesting and emphasised what an offensive and moronic thing Anelka did.
However, about two-thirds of the way down the piece, he slipped in the following two paragraphs:
'What Suarez said, what Terry said, was for private consumption, no matter how unpalatable. It was in the context of a game, and was not intended to be heard beyond that game. There was no message to the wider world, no belief system.
'It was abuse, pure and simple. Horrid, racist abuse, but ultimately meaningless. Like ranting nutters on the train, the words may be offensive but they do not go anywhere.'
Hang on, what? Racial abuse is 'ultimately meaningless' if it was 'meant for private consumption'? Because it was said in a conversation between two people? At what point does it become 'meaningful', Martin? When said to two people rather than one? Five? Ten? 17? Exactly how big does a megaphone have to be before racism becomes meaningful and we're allowed to get annoyed about it?
By Samuel's rationale, you could e-mail or ring or write to him with anti-Semitic abuse and it would be cool, because it was meant for 'private consumption' and therefore 'ultimately meaningless'. But of course, if you did that, you'd be a scumbag, so you wouldn't do it, would you?
Samuel goes on to say that Anelka's gesture 'introduces people to a cynical way to deny the Holocaust, or strike an anti-Semitic pose without getting arrested'. Which is fine. But don't you think he could have made that point without dismissing racist abuse against black people as 'ultimately meaningless'?
It's perfectly possible that Mr Daily Mail SEO took one look at Samuel's column and said 'Anti-Semitism? A West Brom player? Pffft. Come on Martin - sex it up a bit old son. Get some teams in there that people have heard of.' And thus, a Google-friendly headline was born.
That doesn't make it okay to call racist abuse 'ultimately meaningless', mind.
Jose Mourinho, December 29, after Howard Webb waved away claims for a penalty against Chelsea: "Howard Webb is one of the best referees in the country, if not the world...Webb is ten metres away and I think the only mistake Webb did was not to give him (Suarez) a yellow card."
Jose Mourinho, January 1, after Martin Atkinson booked Oscar for diving: "Hopefully, now one of the top referees in this country and in Europe has made this good decision on this yellow card, other people will follow it and end this situation."
The Big News
Says The Sun: 'ROY HODGSON has reminded England's World Cup hopefuls: "I am watching you."'
National team manager watches national team players. Hold the back page (well, actually page 57).
Mental Image Of The Day
Thanks to Matt Dickinson in The Times: 'Like a man with a blanket too small to cover his head and toes, David Moyes needed Wayne Rooney to lead his attack yesterday, and his midfield. Oh, and if he could cover the defence as well in the last, desperate half-hour.'
Actually, this award should go to Matt Stanger for a sentence that began thus: "Imagine Sam Allardyce wa..."
Obvious Headline Of The Day
'AND THE OSCAR FOR THE WORST DIVE EVER GOES TO...' - The Daily Mail.
Less Obvious Headline Of The Day
'Poyet continues to be undone by friendly fire' - The Times.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'BAD DREAM' - The Daily Star on Emmanuel Adebayor.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man with YOLO tattooed across his knuckles has been arrested after he allegedly ran through a bingo hall with his trousers down yelling - 'Bingo!' Deharra Waters' tattoo appears to match his enthusiastic approach to Bingo, with Kentucky police confirming the man appeared to be in an intoxicated state when arrested. Louisville Police have said that Waters' speech was slurred. Police say his action caused alarm to both patrons and employees alike. It is unknown if he actually had a Bingo' - Huffington Post.
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