Manchester United players have the temerity to 'relax', whilst we find out who 'the woman' is. Plus, it's high time we banned medical professionals from the touchline...
Sacking David Moyes will cost United £200million (sort of) (not at all). Plus United are now as bad as Chelsea and Manchester City, in that they want their managers to be successful
Distressed Manchester United fans have a lot of questions right now. But where are the answers? WHERE ARE THE ANSWERS?
Thankfully The Sun have found exactly the right man to answer those questions...
'IAN WRIGHT ANSWERS 12 QUESTIONS ALL FANS ARE ASKING ABOUT THEIR HORROR SEASON.'
Yes, that's right - a man who has never played for Manchester United and has shown zero insight throughout his inexplicable pundit career, has all the answers.
As The Sun website is now behind a paywall, Mediawatch believes it's our duty to bring the highlights of those answers to despairing United fans who do not buy The Sun.
Q: Was David Moyes the right man to appoint?
IW: 'I thought it was great that Manchester United went for a British manager.'
Q: But how long do United give Moyes to turn around this form?
IW: 'I would like to see him given a run.'
Q: Can they trust him after he spent £27.5m on Fellaini?
IW: 'Players will not want to go there if the team is struggling.'
Q: So will top players not join if they don't reach the Champions League?
IW: 'United could still attract players...but you wonder if players will want to sign for them if they aren't in it.'
Q: Will Wayne Rooney stay if United don't improve?
IW: 'If top players don't want to join them, then why would Rooney stay?'
Q: Is there anybody they can sign in the January window?
IW: 'If I was a top player and Manchester United wanted to sign me, I'd wait to see Rooney commit his future to the club first.'
Q: To what extent is Ferguson to blame for United's predicament?
IW: 'Fergie is to blame to a certain extent.'
Q: Is it fair Fergie sits in the stands, putting more pressure on Moyes?
IW: 'I don't blame him for being there - but I don't believe it helps.'
Q: Was Moyes wrong to get rid of Fergie's backroom staff?
IW: 'I think that might have been one of his mistakes.'
Q: What selection blunders has Moyes made this season?
IW: 'He has hardly played Rio Ferdinand or Nemanja Vidic.'
Q: What are United doing wrong tactically on the pitch?
IW: 'I'd love to be playing against Manchester United right now.'
Q: Is it Moyes' fault that United's title winners have declined so badly?
IW: 'Until someone comes out and tells us, we are not going to know for sure.'
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is every question answered.
Now we're just waiting for Wrighty to address all our questions about benefit cuts.
What's In A Number?
'MANCHESTER UNITED'S owners have told David Moyes: Splash the cash. Joel Glazer and his family will give boss Moyes a £50million war chest' - The Sun.
'DAVID MOYES has around £100million to salvage Manchester United's season, but has been told not to spend it on "quick fixes" - The Daily Mirror.
'DAVID MOYES has been handed a £100million-plus war chest to rebuild Manchester United' - The Daily Express.
'MANCHESTER UNITED will back David Moyes with a mammoth £200million to rebuild his beleagured team' - The Daily Mail.
'David Moyes has been given free rein to dictate Manchester United's transfer business next month' - The Daily Telegraph.
The Daily Telegraph man who wrote that David Moyes will be given 'free reign' is their northern football correspondent Mark Ogden. Thankfully it's not Ogden who is being given free reign because one of his suggestion for Manchester United's defensive problems in January was Joleon Lescott. Yes, that Joleon Lescott.
Mediawatch is baffled by football's collective sense of humour, having never seen the comic potential of cutting up another person's clothes, weeing in their shoes or speculating about the number of penises that could fit into their mistress (#madbantz). We continue to be baffled after reading quotes from Theo Walcott's father about his son's injury in The Sun...
"He couldn't believe it and I think he was still in shock when he told me. I thought he was joking but it was soon obvious that it wasn't."
Let's imagine that conversation for a moment.
Theo: Terrible news dad...I'm injured and can't go to the World Cup.
Don: Ha ha ha ha. Good one, son. You footballers and your bantz...
Theo (crying now): No dad, really. I'm gutted. And you can tell The Sun that.
Don: Oh. Bugger. Sorry about that. Still, at least you won't get your shoes weed in...
Note To The Sun
'WALKOTT' really doesn't work whatever you do to the font of the 'KO'.
Man Of Steel
A pretty quick about-turn from the ubiquitous Ian Wright on the BBC website on little Theo Walcott's bouncebackability...
"It's one of those you don't truly get over," said Wrighty, whose insight that it was a "massive blow for England" carries extra gravitas because he is wearing spectacles in the accompanying video.
Terrible for Theo that he'll never get over this. But wait a minute...
"He's an intelligent lad. I'm sure he'll bounce back, but he'll be absolutely devastated."
That boy sure is resilient.
Miserabilist Of The Day
Writes Henry Winter in the Daily Telegraph: 'And so it begins. And so starts the diminishing of Roy Hodgson's already limited resources...'
One player, Henry, one player. And that one player started just 216 minutes of England's World Cup qualifying campaign.
Football Hashtags Of The Day
#unnecessary and #horse - Andy Carroll's reaction to a birthday card featuring a picture of said animal. From his parents. Ouch.
Wishing On A Star
Headline in the Yorkshire Eveing Post: 'Premier League stars set for Leeds United'.
The Premier League star (they mention only one) in question is Hull's Cameron Stewart.
Number of Premier League games played by Hull's Cameron Stewart: None.
Tweets Of The Day
'Very rare that a story knocks me for six. This has. Theo Walcott fantastic player, lovely guy. #getwelltheo' - The Daily Mirror's John Cross.
'Does @johncrossmirror have a blue tick on his Twitter account because it is officially beyond parody?' - The Sun's Mark Irwin. We kind of love him.
Quote Of The Day
"Someone said to me at a match the other day that it was very quiet and that the crowd weren't making much noise. I told them it was because they were in awe of what they were watching. I was in awe" - Mike Summerbee explains the silent Etihad.
Disturbing Image Of The Day
The Daily Star's mocked-up picture of John Obi Mikel as Anchorman. Between this and that Channel Four documentary about rubber-dolling, Mediawatch may never sleep again.
Headline Of The Day
'End of the world for Walcott' - The Times.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Ditch the diet and expensive gym membership, anyone who wants to lose weight this year needn't leave the bedroom, according to new research. Scientists have found that a night of passion can match a workout class, as sex counts as 'significant exercise'. Researchers found that men burn 120 calories from half an hour between the sheets, while women can lose 90 calories. It means people can burn as many calories from just over an hour of love-making than they can from a 30-minute jog' - The Daily Mail.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Andy Smith, Diarmuid Byrne and Ben James. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.