Follow a transfer journey with the Daily Star from start to finish, whilst Arsene Wenger has changed his outlook to only use older players. Plus, who cares about Giroud's hair?
'Man uses cash machine' is the Mail's big scoop, and more pandering to Liverpool fans...
Anybody who follows the Daily Mirror's Oliver Holt on Twitter will know that he has a habit of showing his face 24 hours after a news story and declaring his trite opinion as though we were all waiting with bated breath for the definitive verdict.
In the Daily Mirror on Monday, Holt has caught up with the latest: Man United are not very good. He imparts this knowledge as though he is the first to notice.
'For the most part, they just looked desperately ordinary.'
Pause for effect.
'That's right. Ordinary.'
Mediawatch suspects we're all supposed to marvel at a) his insight and b) his gumption for daring to say such a thing.
He continues: 'Even though we knew the transition at Old Trafford would not be easy, when did we ever think we would call a United team ordinary after so many years of domination?'
Erm, last season, Oliver. You're not usually this late.
'Of course, when defeats like this happen, statistics that do not flatter the losing manager emerge. Moyes, it transpires, has taken charge of 48 away games in the Premier League against Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal and United and not won a single one,' writes an astonished Holt.
In Holt's world, this has just 'emerged'? Does he live under a sodding rock?
Which numpty at the BBC decided that giving Robbie Savage a tactics column was a splendid idea? This is a man who probably thinks an 'average position' diagram shows a gentleman on top of a lady.
'why was rafael ave position in centre on half way line ??' he tweeted with accompanying image from Chelsea v Man United.
Erm, because he switched to left-back seven minutes into the second half. Stick to regurgitating fans' opinions from 6-0-6, Robbie.
Tweet Of The Day
'#ManchesterUnited in pain. Need medicine soon' - Louis Saha.
In Plain Sight
Headline in the Daily Telegraph: 'Villa expose Liverpool's hidden flaw.'
And what is this 'hidden flaw'? That the defence is 'fragile', of course.
We suspect that conceding 26 goals in 21 Premier League games before Saturday kind of gave away that secret.
What A Difference A Dry Spell Makes
Olivier Giroud, August: "It's necessary for the club to recruit another striker. Obviously I think about it a little bit. It may change the play one day, especially if it's a high-profile signing."
Olivier Giroud, January: "Lukas Podolski is having a good comeback. We have the quality and the quantity. I would rather not see a new striker come in."
Gone And Forgotten
Tim Sherwood has done rather well at Tottenham, thinks Mediawatch.
He's now 'the best since Bill Nic', says the Daily Mirror.
And why is he the best since Spurs' double-winning manager legend? Well, because 'he's the first Spurs boss since the great Bill Nicholson to win five away league games in a row', of course.
The Daily Mirror then list those five away league wins...two of which happened when Andre Villas-Boas was in charge. But yeah, what a legend.
Department Of Silly Talks
You will remember from last week that there was 'MELTDOWN' at Southampton after the 'DREAM WRECKER' (Daily Mail) owner Katharina Liebherr took over from Nicola Cortese as chairman. Mediawatch laughed (through tears) and it seems we were not alone.
"We were laughing at talk of us imploding," said Saints midfielder Jack Cork, seemingly oblivious to the wrecking of his dream. "That was never going to happen. There has been a lot of silly talk."
Indeed, Jack. Indeed.
Adam Lallana was one of the Southampton players whose future was reportedly placed in doubt by Cortese's exit. He's so upset he has sod all idea what Cortese actually did...
"The new owner has said nobody is for sale, which is good," said Lallana on Match of the Day.
That will be the 'new owner' who took over the club in 2010; Cortese merely acted like he owned the club.
We all ooo-ah and ouch-ed at the testicle injury suffered by Getafe defender Alexis Ruano that left his gonad "the size of a handball".
Well, all of us but the comedically Cockney Paul Jiggins of The Sun, who jests in his 'Jigsaw' column: 'Ruano reportedly asked medics to give him something to ease the pain and keep the swelling.'
Yes, because we'd all want one bollock the size of a handball, wouldn't we? It drives the ladies wild.
BT expert summariser Michael Owen tweets: 'Santi Cazorla with a brace for Arsenal. Always thought he should start more often than he does.'
Total number of PL games Santi Cazorla has been fit and available for Arsenal this season: 18
Total number of PL games Santi Cazorla has started: 15
Worst Intro Ever?
This is not an accolade we give lightly but Mike Walters of the Daily Mirror deserves some recognition for this train wreck: 'DAINTY comic Jo Brand is somehow a judge on Saturday night TV tsunami Splash! - even though she does not know much about diving.
'As her beloved Crystal Palace bounded out of the bottom three in a famine of guile and creativity, Brand was match sponsor - which suggests she doesn't know much about football, either.'
Nonsensical and offensive? Bingo.
Headline Of The Day
'PIQUE BLINDER' - The Daily Mirror.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'HUMOYLIATED'- The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'It's no wonder Somali immigration officials in Mogadishu thought a 41-year-old man who described himself as a tourist was insane; they hadn't seen a tourist in the Somali capital since, well, ever.
'Canadian citizen Mike Spencer Bown is a seasoned traveler having visited more than 150 countries. But when he arrived in Mogadishu as a tourist, he was met with disbelief.
'"We have never seen people like this man," Omar Mohamed, one of the officials, told the AFP. "He said he was a tourist, we couldn't believe him. But later on we found he was serious. That makes him the first person to come to Mogadishu only for tourism" - Time.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters James Adams and Brian Sexton. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.
Giroud has a point about Podolski's come back you know, never seen a player so fired up coming on at 70 mins in games that are over, the man is definitely determined, and underrated by us Brits, look at his pedigree for Germany. He's someone you could see going on a tear, if Torres can do it he definitely can.- gunnerjack