The Page That Does A Minimum Of Two Minutes

Oliver Holt notices that Man United are 'ordinary' while Robbie Savage notices very little at all. He's a tactics expert you know...

Last Updated: 20/01/14 at 15:44 Post Comment

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Ordinary Love
Anybody who follows the Daily Mirror's Oliver Holt on Twitter will know that he has a habit of showing his face 24 hours after a news story and declaring his trite opinion as though we were all waiting with bated breath for the definitive verdict.

In the Daily Mirror on Monday, Holt has caught up with the latest: Man United are not very good. He imparts this knowledge as though he is the first to notice.

'For the most part, they just looked desperately ordinary.'

Pause for effect.

'That's right. Ordinary.'

Mediawatch suspects we're all supposed to marvel at a) his insight and b) his gumption for daring to say such a thing.

He continues: 'Even though we knew the transition at Old Trafford would not be easy, when did we ever think we would call a United team ordinary after so many years of domination?'

Erm, last season, Oliver. You're not usually this late.

Holt Sign
'Of course, when defeats like this happen, statistics that do not flatter the losing manager emerge. Moyes, it transpires, has taken charge of 48 away games in the Premier League against Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal and United and not won a single one,' writes an astonished Holt.

In Holt's world, this has just 'emerged'? Does he live under a sodding rock?

Savage Garden
Which numpty at the BBC decided that giving Robbie Savage a tactics column was a splendid idea? This is a man who probably thinks an 'average position' diagram shows a gentleman on top of a lady.

'why was rafael ave position in centre on half way line ??' he tweeted with accompanying image from Chelsea v Man United.

Erm, because he switched to left-back seven minutes into the second half. Stick to regurgitating fans' opinions from 6-0-6, Robbie.

Tweet Of The Day
'#ManchesterUnited in pain. Need medicine soon' - Louis Saha.

In Plain Sight
Headline in the Daily Telegraph: 'Villa expose Liverpool's hidden flaw.'

And what is this 'hidden flaw'? That the defence is 'fragile', of course.

We suspect that conceding 26 goals in 21 Premier League games before Saturday kind of gave away that secret.

What A Difference A Dry Spell Makes
Olivier Giroud, August: "It's necessary for the club to recruit another striker. Obviously I think about it a little bit. It may change the play one day, especially if it's a high-profile signing."

Olivier Giroud, January: "Lukas Podolski is having a good comeback. We have the quality and the quantity. I would rather not see a new striker come in."

Gone And Forgotten
Tim Sherwood has done rather well at Tottenham, thinks Mediawatch.

He's now 'the best since Bill Nic', says the Daily Mirror.

And why is he the best since Spurs' double-winning manager legend? Well, because 'he's the first Spurs boss since the great Bill Nicholson to win five away league games in a row', of course.

The Daily Mirror then list those five away league wins...two of which happened when Andre Villas-Boas was in charge. But yeah, what a legend.

Department Of Silly Talks
You will remember from last week that there was 'MELTDOWN' at Southampton after the 'DREAM WRECKER' (Daily Mail) owner Katharina Liebherr took over from Nicola Cortese as chairman. Mediawatch laughed (through tears) and it seems we were not alone.

"We were laughing at talk of us imploding," said Saints midfielder Jack Cork, seemingly oblivious to the wrecking of his dream. "That was never going to happen. There has been a lot of silly talk."

Indeed, Jack. Indeed.

Who? Sorry?
Adam Lallana was one of the Southampton players whose future was reportedly placed in doubt by Cortese's exit. He's so upset he has sod all idea what Cortese actually did...

"The new owner has said nobody is for sale, which is good," said Lallana on Match of the Day.

That will be the 'new owner' who took over the club in 2010; Cortese merely acted like he owned the club.

Bad Egg
We all ooo-ah and ouch-ed at the testicle injury suffered by Getafe defender Alexis Ruano that left his gonad "the size of a handball".

Well, all of us but the comedically Cockney Paul Jiggins of The Sun, who jests in his 'Jigsaw' column: 'Ruano reportedly asked medics to give him something to ease the pain and keep the swelling.'

Yes, because we'd all want one bollock the size of a handball, wouldn't we? It drives the ladies wild.

Santi Pause
BT expert summariser Michael Owen tweets: 'Santi Cazorla with a brace for Arsenal. Always thought he should start more often than he does.'

Total number of PL games Santi Cazorla has been fit and available for Arsenal this season: 18
Total number of PL games Santi Cazorla has started: 15

Worst Intro Ever?
This is not an accolade we give lightly but Mike Walters of the Daily Mirror deserves some recognition for this train wreck: 'DAINTY comic Jo Brand is somehow a judge on Saturday night TV tsunami Splash! - even though she does not know much about diving.

'As her beloved Crystal Palace bounded out of the bottom three in a famine of guile and creativity, Brand was match sponsor - which suggests she doesn't know much about football, either.'

Nonsensical and offensive? Bingo.

Headline Of The Day
'PIQUE BLINDER' - The Daily Mirror.

Worst Headline Of The Day

Non-Football Story Of The Day
'It's no wonder Somali immigration officials in Mogadishu thought a 41-year-old man who described himself as a tourist was insane; they hadn't seen a tourist in the Somali capital since, well, ever.

'Canadian citizen Mike Spencer Bown is a seasoned traveler having visited more than 150 countries. But when he arrived in Mogadishu as a tourist, he was met with disbelief.

'"We have never seen people like this man," Omar Mohamed, one of the officials, told the AFP. "He said he was a tourist, we couldn't believe him. But later on we found he was serious. That makes him the first person to come to Mogadishu only for tourism" - Time.

Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters James Adams and Brian Sexton. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.

Giroud has a point about Podolski's come back you know, never seen a player so fired up coming on at 70 mins in games that are over, the man is definitely determined, and underrated by us Brits, look at his pedigree for Germany. He's someone you could see going on a tear, if Torres can do it he definitely can.
- gunnerjack

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may well get slated by other United fans for this, but out of the three contenders, I'd far prefer Liverpool to win the title. Yes some elements of their fanbase can be a bit OTT, yes they're our biggest rivals and yes it will make our poor season feel even more like the end of an era (Fergie's gone, Liverpool are back on top). However I just have to applaud Brendan Rodgers and the way he's turned Liverpool around in just a couple of seasons. It...

Please Stop Telling Us What To Think


ooray! We are all excited now, we beat a very mediocre team! With all due respect to WHU supporters, not winning that game shouldn't even be a consideration. This is the problem, there is no winning mentality at the Emirates - we're all congratulating ourselves beating a team that we have a winning record against.

Wenger hails important win


s this meant to be an aspiration for United supporters? Moyes mediocrity strikes again. I see the Bayern boys don't want to sign for him, and his reputation amongst the senior European coaches make other key signings unlikely.

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