The exact sum of money doesn't matter so just guess, a professional footballer has gone out for dinner and everyone gets caught hook, line and sinker on Marco Reus...
Follow a transfer journey with the Daily Star from start to finish, whilst Arsene Wenger has changed his outlook to only use older players. Plus, who cares about Giroud's hair?
Pesos E Duas Medidas
Jose Mourinho after Arsenal 0 Chelsea O on December 23: "Boring is the team who plays at home and can't score a goal."
Jose Mourinho after Chelsea 0 West Ham 0 on January 29: "This is not the best league in the world, this is football from the 19th century. The only [other] thing I could bring was a Black and Decker [tool] to destroy the wall. It's very difficult to play a football match where only one team wants to play. It's very difficult."
Wherefore Art Thou, Juan?
The Sun's Chelsea man Rob Beasley is a man struggling with loss.
'There was something missing - and it was all too easy to say £37.1million reject Juan Mata was that something,' he wrote on Monday after Chelsea beat Stoke (yes, they did win, Rob).
And on Thursday - after Chelsea drew 0-0 with West Ham - he is back pining: 'People will draw a connection between this and the sale of Juan Mata. And they have a point - he was one of the best creators in the league and with a goal threat to boot. Something you cannot say about Demba Ba, Samuel Eto'o, Mikel, Nemanja Matic and Ramires.'
But it is something you can say about Willian, Eden Hazard and Oscar, who between them created 21 of Chelsea's 39 goal attempts against West Ham.
Oh and we would like to know how Eto'o scored a hat-trick against Manchester United without looking like a 'goal threat'.
It's okay to cry, Rob.
'JUST as well that Tim Sherwood blinked first and played with only one striker,' writes Darren Lewis in the Daily Mirror. Darren Lewis presumably missed Sherwood blinking ten days ago when he played just one striker at Swansea.
Perhaps Darren was too busy consructing this nonsensical sentence: 'Still, by half-time, the City's 1-0 lead was looking a lot more slender than it had first appeared.'
'On Sherwood's watch, this team will play 4-4-2, or a variation of it, as part of his masterplan to turn Tottenham into a top-four team,' writes Sherwood's chief cheerleader Neil Ashton in the Daily Mail.
'Or a variation of it?' Like the 4-2-3-1 he has quite obviously played in Tottenham's last two games? Which would of course be the same formation played by Andre Villas-Boas on his 'watch'. Maybe Sherwood even used a clipboard too. The nerd.
Two Wrongs Make A Mess
Mediawatch can forgive the tabloid journalists who cried about Michael Dawson's offside goal ('debateable to say the least' - Shaun Custis, The Sun; 'wrongly flagged offside' - Darren Lewis, The Daily Mirror) but we, perhaps naively, expect more from the Daily Mail's referee Graham Poll.
'ASSISTANT referee Scott Ledger could have have had a major impact on the Premier League title chase last night when he made two huge wrong decisions,' says Poll, next to a photograph that clearly shows Emmanuel Adebayor offside as he challenges for the ball later put in the net by Michael Dawson.
And here's Poll's reasoning: 'There were thoughts that Emmanuel Adebayor, who was in an offside position as the ball was crossed, might have been given offside but Ledger was alleged to have confirmed that it was Dawson for whom he flagged.'
So one of the 'huge wrong decisions' was actually the right decision but it allegedly might have been made for the wrong reasons?
If City win the title, it's definitely Ledger's fault.
Wilson 4 Rooney
Mediawatch is a little late to Paul Wilson's column in The Guardian but it was definitely worth the wait.
'The manager's decision to keep Wayne Rooney abreast of incoming transfers shows he is now his own man at Old Trafford, despite being in regular contact with his predecessor,' is the sub-headline but we assumed that was a sub-editor's mistake. Surely nobody could argue that consulting Rooney on transfers is some sort of positive move from David Moyes?
Oh but it turns out that somebody can. And that somebody is Paul Wilson.
'Despite the reservations some supporters have about rewarding Rooney so generously when he has twice agitated for a move, that is not to say Moyes is wrong in his assessment of the situation or his accommodation of the player. For the simple reason that Ferguson was not always right. Had he listened to Rooney after the 2010 World Cup, after all, instead of sending him away with a flea in his ear, Özil might have been a United player by now,' writes Wilson. Funnily enough, he neglects to mention that United somehow won two of the next three Premier League titles without Özil. So it kind of worked out okay in the end.
'So if Moyes's biggest challenge on taking over United was to stop being a Ferguson Mini-Me and prove himself to be his own man, he has just done it,' continues Wilson, apparently oblivious to the slightly bigger challenge currently facing Moyes.
Mind you, this is the man who once wrote a column for the Observer with the headline 'Manchester United's Wayne Rooney could yet stand comparison with Pelé'. Perhaps Moyes could prove he's his own man by giving him £300,000 a week too.
Slight Difference Of Opinion
'ARSENAL were last night rushing to complete a £37million swoop for Schalke sensation Julian Draxler' - The Daily Mail.
'ARSENE WENGER was last night on the bring of sealing a £30million deadline move for midfielder Julian Draxler' - The Daily Mirror.
Saftety Advice Of The Day
From the Sunderland programme: 'We have also been asked by the FA to remind all supporters about the dangers of flares and polytechnics.'
Mediawatch is not sure of the man hierarchy here - is 'proper man' Grant Holt (as described by Paul Lambert) more of a man than 'real man' Robert Snodgrass (as described by Russell Martin)?
Headline Of The Day
'SUMMIT SPECIAL' - The Daily Star.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'DAN SO SUARRY' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man accused of attempting sexual acts with sheep and cows said he is "absolutely astonished and baffled" by the claims. Paul Lovell, 60, of Magpie Close in Enfield, was arrested on September 4, 2013, and is on trial for outraging public decency by behaving in an indecent manner.
'At Wood Green Crown Court today, the former computer engineer has vehemently denied claims that he attempted to commit a sexual act with cows and sheep at Archers Wood in Whitewebbs Lane.
'When being asked about the incident by his barrister Clare Dowes, he said: "I am absolutely astonished and baffled. I did not see any cows. It is a completely ridiculous claim.
"I went for a walk at about 2.30pm, it was a hot and sunny day, I went into the field and decided to have a lie down and I took my top off."
Mr Lovell also said his shorts and underpants remained on the whole time he was in the field.
He was reported to the police by picnicing couple Lawrence Stephan and Natasha Brennan, who gave evidence on Tuesday, January 28.
They stated that he was wearing nothing but socks and shoes when entering the field. The couple also claimed that the man tried to lure sheep and cows towards his genitals' - Enfield Independent.
Thanks to Mediawatch spotter Frankie Mac. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.