The exact sum of money doesn't matter so just guess, a professional footballer has gone out for dinner and everyone gets caught hook, line and sinker on Marco Reus...
Follow a transfer journey with the Daily Star from start to finish, whilst Arsene Wenger has changed his outlook to only use older players. Plus, who cares about Giroud's hair?
In The Know
John Cross in the Daily Mirror, January 30: 'ARSENE WENGER was last night on the brink of sealing a £30million deadline move for midfielder Julian Draxler. Wenger is confident of landing Arsenal's No1 target before Friday's 11pm cut-off after lengthy negotiations throughout Wednesday. Despite Schalke's public denials, they are eager to do business this month to ease their financial problems...'
John Cross in the Daily Mirror, January 31: 'Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is refusing to meet Schalke's £37million price for Julian Draxler. Talks are still ongoing, but the German club are refusing to budge on the fee and also want the vast majority of the cash paid up front - which means the deal is unlikely to happen before Friday's 11pm deadline.'
From 'eager to do business' to 'refusing to budge' in 24 hours? That's some sodding u-turn.
Robbing A Living
Because Mediawatch is the caring, sharing sort, we will sum up Robbie Savage's column in the Daily Mirror so you don't have to read a word...
* Liverpool are better than Everton.
* Luis Suarez is very good.
* Bottom-place Cardiff look 'vulnerable'.
* Manchester City need another defender.
* Newcastle are a selling club.
* Robbie Savage is amused by people pointing out various pictures of long-haired people and comparing them to Robbie Savage.
Three Manchester United players took to Reddit on Thursday (well, two Manchester United players and Sam Johnstone) to take part in an IAMA (a questions and answers section of the site) at the behest of their new watch sponsor bulova (no, us neither).
Nevertheless in between all the 'is mata good?' 'yeah he's great', question and responses we get a good view into the top BANTZ that Rio is still capable of pulling off.
Question: Do you 'merk' your teammates still?
Rio: Not to that extent. I always mess around with Anders when he's having a massage after training and give him a slap on the back!
Gary Cahill on why Chelsea won't copy West Ham's tactics at the Etihad on Monday: "Ultimately, big teams will find a gap and score."
So what does that make Chelsea, Gary?
Sixes And Sixes
Oh, Jose. He's quite the character, isn't he? We can't think of a single reason why he might downplay Chelsea's chances at Manchester City, who are a full three points ahead in the title race.
"We go there next Monday and are they the favourites? Yes. Are they favourites to score again four, five, or six goals? Yes," said Jose.
Mediawatch is not sure which bookies Jose uses (he shouldn't use any, it's against the law) but we suspect that if they're offering shorter odds on City scoring four, five and six goals then they're in for a battering if it ends 1-1 - widely available at 6/1 with the sensible/real bookies who see that scoreline as the likeliest outcome of a match between two of the best three teams in the country.
Mediawatch would question the use of the word 'INSIGHT' on Martin Keown's column in the Daily Mail when it appears to be simply a platform for Keown to be a bit of a worry wart. Oooooh, Liverpool's strikers were a bit feisty on Tuesday. Ooooh, Palace should be careful about adding too many players. Oooh, Stoke are sliding. Ooooh, Everton don't have enough players. Ooooh, I don't have any insight.
Writes Steven Howard in The Sun: 'BURTON ALBION players complained to club chairman Ben Robertson about blonde, bouncy, well-upholstered, mid-40s, club employee Kerry Miler barging into the dressing room when the players were "taking showers and partially dressed". The game's gone.'
Ladies and gentlemen, Mediawatch would like to reassure readers that we are indeed in 2014; you have not fallen through some kind of hole in the space/time continuum and landed in a working men's club in 1974.
Question Of The Day
At what point did the Daily Mirror's Darren Lewis realise he had to do 11 big players (to match the 11pm deadline) who could move on deadline day and hurriedly wrote a very short paragraph on Mo Diame? Because of course we're all desperate to know what happens to Mo Diame, right?
Play For Today
"It is a bit strange when a player you used to play with then becomes your manager" - Fraizer Campbell on Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.
Bless. He thinks they were actually teammates. Of course, Solskjaer actually retired in the same month that Campbell made the first of his two Premier League appearances for Manchester United.
Quote Of The Day
"This ia a f***ing s**thole of a club" - Wes Hoolahan on Norwich.
Headline Of The Day
'SIX AND THE CITY' - The Daily Mirror.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'ENGJAND' - The Sun on Adnan Januzaj (not really) declaring for England.
Worst Tiny Headlines Of The Day
'AND' and 'JAN' - The Sun baffle with their single-column headlines.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man has been found guilty of performing sex acts with cows and sheep near Tottenham Hotspur's training ground and may face jail. Paul Lovell has been convicted of outraging public decency, including 'fellatio with a cow', after being spotted by a couple who were having a picnic. Judge James Patrick told Wood Green crown court: 'This is a case which, as far as I am concerned, is unique. Custody is a possibility.'
'Mr Lovell, 61, had denied the charge, protesting to police who arrived at the scene that he was 'just relaxing'. The IT worker then pleaded 'not guilty' saying he was simply trying to shoo the animals away so he could sleep, despite reports that he was wearing nothing but a pair of shoes and socks at the time.
'Lawrence Stephen and his girlfriend Natasha Brennan had been picnicking in the Enfield area of north London on September 4 when they spotted Mr Lovell trying to get a cow to 'lick or suck' his genitals. After a number of unsuccessful attempts with the cows, it was reported that Mr Lovell 'tried his luck with some sheep'.
'There had been numerous instances of sniggering in the court this week, particularly when the judge unwittingly suggested a witness demonstrate what Lovell was doing to the sheep.' - Metro.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Christopher McQuade. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.