The exact sum of money doesn't matter so just guess, a professional footballer has gone out for dinner and everyone gets caught hook, line and sinker on Marco Reus...
Follow a transfer journey with the Daily Star from start to finish, whilst Arsene Wenger has changed his outlook to only use older players. Plus, who cares about Giroud's hair?
The Daily Mail state the case for the four title contenders on Friday and pick a potential villain who could prove each club's undoing as the race goes to the wire.
For Liverpool, John Edwards writes: 'Who will be their villain? Kolo Toure. Stared accusingly at the pitch after slicing an attempted clearance into his own net at Fulham, but conveniently forgot he's got form for that. Remember Villa Park, April 2003, Kolo? Arsenal were leading through Freddie Ljungberg when guess what? Toure sliced a clearance past his own keeper to make it 1-1.'
How convenient, indeed. Mediawatch agrees that the first thing that should have come to Toure's mind on Wednesday was a cock-up he made 11 years ago. For a different club.
Surely it would have been more relevant for the Daily Mail to remind us of Toure's mistake against West Brom only two weeks ago?
As part of the same feature, The Daily Mail's Ian Ladyman explains that Manchester City won't win the league because 'they concede too many goals'.
That's the City side who have the fourth-best defence in the division (conceding only one goal more than Arsenal and Everton), and have conceded four fewer strikes than last year's champions Manchester United had at the same stage.
'Moyes has also shuffled players around, which does not help,' writes an exasperated Martin Keown in the Daily Mail as he implores the Manchester United manager to stop tinkering.
'I think Chris Smalling is a future United centre-half, but he is used as a utility man.'
Two things, Martin:
1) Smalling has played right-back and centre-back this season. He's hardly Paul Warhurst.
2) By claiming he is a 'future' United centre-half surely you are also admitting that he isn't ready to play in the position every week?
'Right-back is a tough one, but I think Antonio Valencia can play there,' Keown continues.
That'll be the same Antonio Valencia who, when playing at right-back, switched off in the build-up to Fulham's equaliser on Saturday, switched off to allow Christian Eriksen to score in Tottenham's 2-1 win at Old Trafford, and switched off to allow Bryan Oviedo to sneak in and seal a 1-0 win for Everton.
But by all means, play him at right-back.
In case Mediawatch needs to remind you, Martin Keown writes the 'INSIGHT' column for the Daily Mail.
'I'm No Prem Patsy: Reformed Suarez wins over critics but sorry to Evra is still the hardest word,' states the Daily Mirror's headline.
Underneath, David Maddock writes: 'Suarez has been rehabilitated in spectacular style, with critics now lauding his world-class talent, rather than his world-class ability to atrract unsavoury headlines.'
Forgive Mediawatch for asking, but when was Suarez ever not lauded for his world-class talent? That has never been in dispute.
As much as we don't wish to have faeces posted through our letterbox, it is absurd for anyone to believe that Suarez has even begun the rehabilitation process without first apologising to Patrice Evra. All the goals in the world won't change that.
Question Of The Day
'Victim or Villain?' - That the Daily Mirror even need to ask this question underlines the worrying haste with which Suarez's indiscretions have been swept under the carpet, simply because he's enjoying a remarkable season.
The Glorious Return Of Ace Watch
'A charity shop is boing boinging all the way to the bank after a Baggies soccer ace handed them the entire contents of his luxury Solihull home,' report the Birmingham Mail.
The 'ace' in question? Former West Brom striker Markus Rosenberg, who had his contract cancelled at the start of the month after failing to score in 33 appearances.
Robbie Savage has finally noticed that Emmanuel Adebayor has hit form at Tottenham and questions why the striker was frozen out by Andre Villas-Boas.
He's only six weeks late to this, but the Daily Mirror don't mind.
'It's unbelievable he could not get a look-in under the old regime,' writes Savage.
'AVB may have frozen him out to suit a personal agenda, not just for footballing reasons.'
Considering Adebayor played 34 matches in Villas-Boas' first year in charge, Mediawatch would argue that he was given a look-in. And if it's footballing reasons you're after, look no further than his measly total of eight goals last year. Hardly the reliable contribution to build a team around.
Vomit-Inducing Sentence Of The Day
Writes Ian Ladyman in the Daily Mail: 'Players such as Raheem Sterling, Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson have improved beyond recognition in 12 months, while the impish Brazilian Coutinho appears to have been born with Anfield DNA.'
Writes Robbie Savage for the Daily Mirror: 'Four points off the lead, with Chelsea and Manchester City still to run the gauntlet of the Kop, anything is possible for Brendan Rodgers over the last 12 games.'
What is it about Liverpool that causes journalists (and Savage) to go weak at the knees?
Posted Without Comment
Guillem Balague - The Musical.
Vote Of Confidence
Mediawatch assumed that there was only one interpretation of Cardiff's statement on Thursday as the club pointed the finger at Malky Mackay for wasting a fortune on flop striker Andreas Cornelius.
However, The Sun have come up with an entirely different angle, suggesting that the statement has somehow piled pressure on Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.
'Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has got the dreaded vote of confidence from Cardiff owner Vincent Tan,' writes Ian Gordon.
'Solskjaer has picked up just four points out of 18 since he took over last month and Cardiff have plunged into the drop zone.
'But chief executive Simon Lim said (Vincent) Tan had been "encouraged by the work done by manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer in the January transfer window".'
Mediawatch thought that was nothing more than a throw-away line in the middle of a rant about the previous regime. It appears Mediawatch must be wrong.
England managers often raise the debate over whether the Premier League should have a winter break in tournament years, but Mediawatch isn't convinced Roy Hodgson actually knows what it would entail.
Speaking of Wayne Rooney's fitness, Hodgson said: "He has had an enforced break through injury, which you could argue is his winter break."
Yes, Roy, recovering from an injury is exactly the same as a two-week rest.
Quote Of The Day
"With hindsight it probably would have been better not to agree to work with Comolli."
Hello Juande, have you met Kenneth?
Fashion Statement Of The Day
'CLUB SHOP: Dress like Garry Monk with our official #Swans gilet - available NOW...' - @SwansOfficial
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Peter Ref 'n Ready' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A central Ohio woman who loathed being named Sheila and wanted a moniker that reflects her personality has legally changed her first name to Sexy.
'A Licking County judge on Tuesday approved the request from the 41-year-old Pataskala woman formerly named Sheila Ranea Crabtree.
'In her application, Crabtree called her given name "the ugliest one out there." She says that if the court didn't allow the switch to Sexy, she'd try to become known legally by her middle name, which she has used for years.
'The Columbus Dispatch reports that Crabtree told a judge that her husband and teenage daughters approve of the change. When the judge asked why she chose Sexy, Crabtree said she's fun and free-spirited and thought the change would make her complete.' - msn.com
Thanks to today's spotters John Brewin, Adrian Cargill and Glen Hillsmith. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.