Follow a transfer journey with the Daily Star from start to finish, whilst Arsene Wenger has changed his outlook to only use older players. Plus, who cares about Giroud's hair?
'Man uses cash machine' is the Mail's big scoop, and more pandering to Liverpool fans...
When Is A Trophy Not A Trophy?
Mediawatch loves a good statistic and one we have discovered recently is that Arsenal have not won a trophy in nine years! We know! Crazy, right? Would you believe it? Nobody ever mentions it.
Wait a minute, no. We're wrong. Everybody is always sodding banging on about it and nobody more so than the MailOnline's Adrian Durham, who predictably begins his latest column: 'Jose Mourinho has a point when he says Arsene Wenger is a specialist in failure. It is all Wenger has known since 2005 - no other top club in Europe would accept this state of affairs. Whether you love Wenger or not, whether you buy the excuse about the stadium or not, Arsenal have been without a trophy for too long. It really is that simple.'
Fair enough. They probably should have won something in that time. But according to Durham, something is not enough.
He spews: 'Please don't include the FA Cup as meaningful success for Arsenal. It'll be a good day out for the fans, but that's all. They've waited too long to settle for the trophy Wigan won last year.'
So the fact that they've waited nine years for any trophy at all means that they can now demand only the very biggest trophies? That makes excellent sense. So if you've had a dry spell with the ladies, only making sweet love with a supermodel is worth the effort?
Durham does know that only one club can win the Premier League every year, right? And they have had some rather wealthy competition in recent years in the form of Manchester City (net spend £480m), Chelsea (net spend £270m), Manchester United (net spend £139m) and Stoke City (net spend £91m)? Mind you, pointing out that Arsenal have actually made money on transfers in the last five years (and somehow stayed in the Champions League) is probably us 'buying the excuse about the stadium'. Alternatively known as 'understanding how football and finance works'.
Sky Sports' Tony Gale has been pretty vociferous in his claims that Raheem Sterling should not go to the World Cup. As he is a Sky Sports expert, he obviously knows what he's talking about and Mediawatch - who was under the impression that Sterling is in really quite spectacular form - stands corrected.
"He is terrific for Liverpool, gives them a great balance with Coutinho, Suarez and Sturridge and it is brilliant to watch him. But when you are comparing him to the others I don't think he is quite there yet," said professional Cockernee Gale.
"That said, if he does go to the World Cup he has to play in one position, whether it's on the right or the left. He can come inside off the lines where you have to have that little bit more movement but when we're trying to keep the ball out in Brazil I'm not sure he is in front of Andros Townsend in that position.
"Andros has done it for England, has had a few more games for Spurs. And is he in front of Danny Welbeck, who can play on the right or the left or down the middle?...Not quite for me, but I think he is a terrific young player."
Quite apart from the fact that he talks about Sterling and Townsend's attributes as if he has never seen a game of football...
Premier League games for Raheem Sterling: 46
Premier League games for Andros Townsend: 19
According to The Sun, Gerard Pique has been 'taunting' Manchester City. Had he told them that their bum looks big in those shorts? Has he wandered through the streets of Manchester waving his medals? Has he wandered through the streets of Manchester waving his wife?
No, he has - and this is real taunting - 'insisted' that he would choose Manchester United over Manchester City.
Yes, the man who spent four years at United from the age of 17 to 21 would rather play for his old club than their closest rivals.
Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a taunt.
On Monday, Antony Kastrinakis (who incidentally wrote that 'taunting' piece) 'uncovered' that Lionel Messi is really rather good. We suspect he may be responsible for the sidebar in The Sun that begins by asking 'How can City stop Messi?' and then answers by saying 'in an open game you cannot stop him'.
No? So did Mediawatch imagine that 4-0 shellacking from Bayern in April? After yesterday's Alan Hansen column, we're starting to think we did.
Worst Of The Worst
Jose Mourinho has said that this is the "worst Barcelona of many, many years". Which is odd because most people would think that the Barcelona team of 2011/12 was the worst Barcelona side in 'many, many years'. You know, the one that came second to Real Madrid. Now who was managing Madrid that season again?
Mediawatch does not have the time or space to dissect Dave Kidd's sniffy dismissal of Pep Guardiola's achievements ('Saint Pep needed a year out. At 41.') in the Daily Mirror but we cannot allow his nonsense about Mauricio Pochettino to go unnoticed. Kidd excuses Pochettino's bizarely weakened team in the FA Cup on the grounds that...
* 'Jose Mourinho won both domestic Cups in 2007 and was sacked by Chelsea within months.'
* 'Kenny Dalglish reached both finals in 2012, and was axed immediately.'
* 'Roberto Di Matteo, whose Chelsea side defeated Dalglish's Liverpool, was dismissed months later.'
He also mentions Roberto Martinez (relegated), Roberto Mancini (sacked) and Michael Laudrup (sacked) as examples of managers who have had cup success but have then subsequently left their jobs.
Quite aside from the fact that Martinez's cup win helped him get the Everton job, this is quite clearly utter, utter tosh. By Kidd's logic, Pochettino was right to forfeit the FA Cup despite being 14 points from a Champions League place and 15 points from relegation on the grounds that, well, he could be sacked next season if they have poor league form regardless of whether he wins a cup or not so, basically, why bother?
Once again, true to his tagline, Dave Kidd has 'made us think'. You don't want to know what...
Headline Of The Day
'NOBODY PUTS CALEY IN THE CORNER' - The Daily Record. We don't care how you pronounce 'Caley'; it's Dirty sodding Dancing.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'WE'LL CUT HERRS' - The Daily Mirror. Just rotten.
Non-Football Story of The Day
'Clowns, either well-loved by children across the world or the subject of their nightmares, could become a thing of the past in the US as a growing national clown shortage looms. The Clowns of America International President Glen Kohlberger has warned that membership numbers are plummeting because of the reluctance from younger generations to take up the time-honoured tradition of clowning. "What's happening is attrition," he told The New York Daily News. "The older clowns are passing away."
'The World Clown Association has seen a steady decline in its numbers from 3,500 to 2,500 since 2004. Association President Deanna Hartmier told the Daily News that most of their members are now over the age of 40. Mr Kohlberger echoed this sentiment, and said it is becoming increasingly difficult to get younger people to not only develop an interest in clowning, but to then undertake it at a professional level.
'"What happens is they go on to high school and college and clowning isn't cool anymore" he said. "Clowning is then put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s."' - The Independent leaves us all asking exactly when clowning was cool.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Rick Taylor. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.