There are a lot of hacks going all gooey over Louis van Gaal, while Luis Suarez has gone from irreplaceable to irrelevant and Robbie Savage is serious now....
The Daily Mail have the big scoop on what Dejan Lovren's arrival means for Liverpool, whilst the FA minutes paint a horrifying and disturbing picture...
Reade-ing The Wrong Page
As you know, Mediawatch was already tired of reading criticism for Manuel Pellegrini's comments on City being "the only team in Manchester THIS SEASON" by the end of Matthew Syed's piece in The Times yesterday, so you'll forgive us for getting rather grouchy about Brian Reade's piece in the Daily Mirror that not only covers the same issue, but scrapes further the barrel of bullsh*ttery.
'His decree that City were the only team in Manchester, even if he was referring to this season, was wrong and cringeful.'
This is wearing really thin now. And 'cringeful' isn't a word (Okay, nor is 'bullsh*ttery').
Reade's big sell is that, actually, Pellegrini is not an Engineer (as his nickname suggests) but more of a cowboy builder. A cowboy builder that has taken City close to becoming the first ever English club to win the domestic treble, that is.
Whilst Mediawatch thinks that City were doing pretty well at containing Barcelona (and actually had more chances) until the obvious kick in the balls of the penalty and red card, there is a train of thought that they could have attacked their opposition more, one which Reade suggests. However, any semblance of reason is then obliterated by what follows.
'Much has been made about City's transformation from a team who 15 years ago this week had a match against Macclesfield, and it's true.' Good spot, Sherlock.
'But what's also true is that the man in charge back then, Joe Royle, couldn't have done a worse job this week than Pellegrini has.'
Yes, that's right. City lost to Barcelona largely thanks to a penalty and red card when the scores were level, and their manager is no better than Joe Royle, who led the club to relegation from the Premier League with 34 points in 2001. It's not the first time and it won't be the last, but Mediawatch is banging its head against the desk. The bruises hurt less than the words.
Incidentally, Reade's tagline in the paper is 'at the heart of football'. Maybe he should try visiting the brain?
Mediawatch is not averse to the odd joke. We're the jolly type, up for a giggle and a laugh. That said, one thing that doesn't make us titter is tired innuendo. And if there is one thing that the Sun loves doing it's tired innuendo.
Today they use one of their world famous sidebars to 'examine' the performance of Yaya Sanago who, the paper claim, was only playing because Olivier Giroud had been making the beast with two backs with a young lady.
It starts badly enough, with the phrase 'was Sanogo prolific or pants?' and goes downhill unfathomably quickly. We'll just post the rest without too much comment, before we're sick.
'How often did he get in the box?'
'Like a shy youngster, not often [in the box] after an explosive start'
'Did he penetrate the defence?'
'How good was his stamina?'
'Was he strong in the tackle?'
The Sun, where every day feels like a sh*t 70s sitcom.
Spot The Odd One Out
On the performance of Alex Oxlade Chamberlain against Bayern Munich:
'Combined well with Wilshere and Cazorla early on' - Daily Mirror, who gave Oxlade-Chamberlain 8/10 for his performance, the joint highest of any Arsenal player.
'Full of brio and energy, it is a compliment to say that he troubled Alaba' - The Times, who gave Oxlade-Chamberlain 8/10 for his performance, the joint highest of any Arsenal player.
'Struggled to make an early impact' - The Sun, who gave who gave Oxlade-Chamberlain 5/10 for his performance, the joint lowest of any Arsenal player.
More evidence as to why the arbitrary awarding of out-of-ten marks is utterly pointless.
Dave - The Home Of 'Witty' B*nter
Dave Woods follows the old Daily Star adage that it doesn't matter if what you say is relevant or reasonable as long as it contains sh*t puns.
Using the piece of reported information that Arsenal forward Yaya Sanogo once said he could have worked in Post Office if his football career hadn't worked out, Woods squeezes out some woeful puns in order to make a point that isn't really valid.
'Arsenal's only striker last night was a player who not long ago considered becoming a postman. But Yaya Sanogo and his fellow Gunners stamped their mark on this game right from the off.'
'Despite defeat, this was a first-class display and one which Arsene Wenger must surely wish he could frank week-in, week-out.'
Of course it wasn't "first-class", but that doesn't really fit the gag narrative. Mediawatch is just annoyed that given the striker's nationality there was no mention of French letters.
Someone at The Sun needs to do their sums properly, with their claim that Mesut Ozil and Manuel Neuer were school team mates 'when they were nine'.
Given that Neuer is over two years older than Ozil, we doubt there were many times when both were nine years old.
"I can remember it was Colchester at home and away. We won both here and the second leg. So just like then you want a positive result to take into the game over there."
Mediwatch can't help but feel that Swansea manager Garry Monk was rather clutching at straws when discussing how his past experience would help during tonight's first leg against Napoli. We can't see Rafael Benitez picking Mark Kinsella in centre midfield, chap.
Mediawatch counts itself as a helpful sort, so we answer the big questions in a short, sharp manner so you can get on with your day.
'Did Arjen Robben spit on Bacary Sagna of Arsenal during Bayern Munich's win?' screams the headline on the Daily Mirror's football page, which amazingly gives readers the chance to cast their vote on whether it was spit or sweat. This truly is the end of days.
No, he didn't. Spit doesn't come out of your chin. You're welcome.
Laboured Intro Of The Day/Month/Year
'When I was a young pup I had my eye on this lass for years. She was the local stunner but had always been in a different league to this bumbling fool.
'She must have forgotten to take her medication one day, or maybe had been dared to go out with a ginger, but for whatever bizarre reason she agreed to let me take her out. The top restaurant in town was fully booked, maybe just as well, but I still managed to seal a table at one of the swankier joints around.
'Excited didn't quite cut it. There was butterflies in the belly and my boss might as well have been talking Swahili for all I was listening. Every penny was a prisoner. I lived like a teetotal Tibetan monk on the Weight Watchers plan for weeks to save up to get myself new clobber and to make sure I had enough dosh for dinner and maybe even some flowers and choccies. Smooth, eh? Anyway, everything was in place for the big night. Miraculously, she turned up and despite a few big match nerves it was going perfectly - until we got to the restaurant.
"Your table is ready, Mr Gannon," some fancy waiter wearing a tux and a sneer told me - before leading us about five miles to the back. Right next to the toilet. Even though the place was half empty. I was looking for a cosy, candlelit booth - instead we got a swinging door outside the cludgie. I wanted to hear Barry White - not have it wafting up my nostrils.
'In fairness, I've had (several) worse first dates than getting dumped next to the dunnie but it all came rushing back to mind seeing the bum deal handed to Inverness fans.'
Yes, that's right. Those 300 words of banterous guffery by Michael Gannon in the Daily Record were all in reference to a story about Inverness Caledonian Thistle being unhappy about their ticket allocation for the Scottish League Cup final. Good God.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'I Jove It At City' - The Sun go smelly on Stevan Jovetic's Manchester City future. Just try and pronounce 'Jove' like 'love'. Go on, try it. It's impossible.
Headline Of The Day
'Burger Off' - the Sun's headline on Michael Dawson and Juande Ramos made Mediawatch think of the fast food restaurant in the League Of Gentlemen, and that can't be a bad thing.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
A California woman who describes herself as Barbie-obsessed says she uses hypnotherapy sessions in the hopes that it will decrease her IQ.
"I just want to be the ultimate Barbie. I actually want to be brainless," Blondie Bennett, 38, told Barcroft TV. "I don't like being human, if that makes sense... Natural is boring... I would love to be like, completely plastic."
Bennett has had five breast augmentations and other procedures in the hopes of attaining her goal. But now she says she's undergoing hypnotherapy sessions two-to-three times a week in order to dumb down her thoughts. She says it's working.
"I've had 20 sessions and I'm already starting to feel ditzy and confused all the time."
She told Barcroft TV that although she loves her looks, her plastic features tend to turn off a lot of people. She said that her friends and family don't approve of her lifestyle. - Huffington Post
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