The exact sum of money doesn't matter so just guess, a professional footballer has gone out for dinner and everyone gets caught hook, line and sinker on Marco Reus...
Follow a transfer journey with the Daily Star from start to finish, whilst Arsene Wenger has changed his outlook to only use older players. Plus, who cares about Giroud's hair?
Everyone knows that a big part of The Daily Mail website's success is the famous 'Sidebar of Shame', which suckers gossip-hungry voyeurs into clicking on the latest picture of some Geordie Shore no-mark spilling out of their dress while falling out of a chrome-plastered nightclub somewhere, or occasionally just some marginally and inexplicably famous person not standing in a puddle.
The football section of the Mail site has a similar sidebar, which features a whopping 50 boxes promoting assorted stories under the header 'Today In Sport'.
Here is a quick run-down of the stories about sport that the sport news section of the MailOnline sport brings us about the sport news today:
Cristiano Ronaldo's girlfriend at Milan Fashion Week; Scott Sinclair going for dinner with Helen Flanagan; Coleen Rooney receiving a text; Samuel Eto'o wearing a suit; something about Phil Neville mentioning TV show '24'; Feyenoord striker Graziano Pelle kicking some stuff in the tunnel; a Portsmouth fan's 'selfie' with Scunthorpe's goalkeeper; Rafa Nadal winning something, but that's promoted with a picture of Brazilian Ronaldo, who was in the crowd; Falcao on crutches; a Galatasaray defender being honest about a corner; the Euro 2016 draw; some golf tournament; Dennis Bergkamp's statue; Muhammed Ali's gloves going on auction; Will Smith watching UFC; the woman who sang the national anthems at the rugby; Edin Dzeko missing a chance; Frank McAvennie talking about drugs and booze; Virgil Van Dijk's girlfriend; Ashley Young and Danny Welbeck posing with Pharrell Williams; Jack Wilshere and Mathieu Flamini having some bantz; Aaron Ramsey supporting the Welsh rugby team; Sergio Aguero training; a shirtless Neymar shooting an advert with an attractive lady; Maradona complaining about something or other; Bryan Oviedo celebrating his birthday; something about Mesut Ozil that might be to do with football, if it wasn't sold with a mocked up picture of him dressed as Austin Powers; Justin Bieber; Jenson Button's fiancée; Laura Robson rapping; David Coulthard in drag; Graeme McDowell losing at gold, illustrated by a picture of his girlfriend/wife/a random attractive lady; a Wladimir Klitschko viral video; the Oscar Pistorius trial; Phil Taylor losing at darts, illustrated by a picture of some walk-on girls; pictures of attractive women in Miami to illustrate a story about David Beckham's new team; something about some Southampton players pretending to do some curling; figure skating; Rio Ferdinand cooking; Massimo Cellino's 23-year-old daughter; Cesc Fabregas at the Brits; Vincent Kompany's breakfast; a video of the Everton dressing room; Eve Muirhead crying, for some reason illustrated with a picture of an attractive lady; Bernie Ecclestone's fraud case, illustrated with a picture of an attractive lady; a boxer with loads of tattoos; rugby; World Cup kits; a guide to Brazil for the World Cup, illustrated with a picture of an attractive lady.
That's a big chunk of text to wade through, we know, so in summary, if we're being very generous, 18 of the 50 boxes are actually about sport, of which seven are illustrated with pictures of attractive ladies and one (Massimo Cellino's 23-year-old daughter) entirely based around Instagram pictures that the person in question has since deleted, for what should be fairly obvious reasons.
Today in sport - Daily Mail style.
View From The Experts
Mediawatch owes a debt of gratitude to The Times' Tony Cascarino and the Daily Mail's Jamie Redknapp for helping us to understand the significance of the weekend's football.
According to this pair of wise sages:
*Cardiff lost 4-0 to Hull because they didn't defend well.
*Michael Carrick is as good as Toni Kroos.
*Jordan Henderson deserves all the praise he gets 'after another two goals at Anfield' - to add to the other two he managed in 31 appearances this season.
*Chelsea shouldn't have sold Daniel Sturridge.
*Loic Remy is a 'very good striker' because he isn't bothered about missing sitters.
*Football is a fickle game.
To Tony and Jamie in our hour of need - thank you.
Dreamy Substituion Of The Day
According to the Sky Sports live score centre, Ryan Gosling made a late appearance for Newcastle in their victory over Aston Villa on Sunday.
Mediawatch certainly isn't going to judge anyone for having the wrong Gosling stuck in their head.
Not My Fault, Guv
Liverpool may have required four goals to beat Swansea on Sunday after another sloppy display in defence, but that certainly wasn't Brendan Rodgers' fault. No siree.
Said the Liverpool manager after his team's victory at Anfield: "The problem is that it's not coaching. Some of the things we conceded goals in, you can't coach that."
That's right, folks. Liverpool have conceded the second-highest number of goals in the top half (and only one fewer than 16th-placed Crystal Palace) all because of sheer misfortune. If you're thinking it might be something to do with the coaching, you're wrong. Because it's not. It's got absolutely nothing to do with coaching. Nothing at all. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
The Daily Mirror go big on their back-page exclusive that Manchester United are prepared to offer Toni Kroos £250,000 a week to sign for them in the summer, but Mediawatch is less than convinced by Alan Nixon's report.
Leaving aside the headline 'Luxury Kroos' for a moment, here's a selection of Nixon exclusives from this season alone:
August: 'Manchester United are making an astonishing move to buy Chelsea's Brazilian star David Luiz - and would pay £30million for the defender.'
November: 'Manchester City boss Manuel Pellegrini wants Stoke keeper Asmir Begovic to be his new number one. And Joe Hart could head the other way for the second half of the season to preserve his England World Cup place.'
January: 'West Ham boss Sam Allardyce is making a staggering £8million bid for Southampton's England striker Rickie Lambert.'
You might want to take his latest on Kroos with a healthy pinch of salt.
Dig/Stating The Obvious
'Gordon Strachan delivered a thinly veiled dig at England's group after Scotland were given a tough road to Euro 2016,' report the Daily Mirror.
'Scotland boss Strachan said: "There are some groups you might call mundane, but we're definitely in an exciting group that should excite everybody."'
Considering John Cross farts on about how difficult it will be to sell tickets for England's matches on the opposite page, surely the Mirror agree that Strachan is merely stating the obvious, rather than making a 'thinly veiled dig'.
Mediawatch was intrigued by Mark Lawrenson's choice of Sam Byram at right back as he picks England's Euro 2016 starting XI in the Daily Mirror.
'The Leeds right-back will be 23 in 2016 and is a big talent,' writes Lawro. 'He has attracted the attention of the big clubs after impressing at Elland Road and has the potential to make it at international level.'
Four things we'd like to add:
1) This is only Sam Byram's second season of first-team football.
2) He'll be 22 during Euro 2016.
3) Glen Johnson will be 31, Kyle Walker 25 and Nathaniel Clyne, enjoying a second season in the Premier League with Southampton, will also be 25.
4) Mark Lawrenson's poor grasp of time causes him to think two years is a lot longer than it really is.
Mark Lawrenson also picks his 'man of the weekend' in the Daily Mirror, which Mediawatch rather hoped would be the second mention of Ryan Gosling in today's column. Alas, Lawro has gone for the altogether more rugged Chris Hughton, explaining his reasons thusly:
'He knows he would have been sacked had he lost against Spurs yesterday. Instead he beat them to lift Norwich to 14th place. A class act.'
The Lawro definition of 'class': guiding a team just four points above the relegation zone, with only 20 goals in 27 matches, having failed to win back-to-back matches all season.
By this logic, Mediawatch is allowed to call itself a 'class act' in the bedroom. The truth is something else entirely.
Georgraphy With The Express
Headline in the Daily Express: 'PICTURES: Juan Mata absent as Man Utd stars train ahead of Turkey trip.'
Following story: 'United fly out to Turkey this afternoon, with Moyes given a boost by Danny Welbeck and Rafael included in training.
'Rio Ferdinand could make back-to-back starts for the first time since November, and he is looking forward to facing Olympiacos.
'"Training then onto the CL adventure in Greece! #Mufc" he tweeted.'
Being worse than Rio Ferdinand at geography - now that is embarrassing.
Tweet Of The Day
'I have not talked to any UK journalist or anybody at The Mirror, not the first time this happens. The Mirror is a joke!' - Zlatan Ibrahimovic is bemused by Dave Kidd's story in the Daily Mirror.
Modest Quote Of The Day
"That's why I'm good at what I do, isn't it?" - Sam Allardyce on West Ham's winning run.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'EuRoo Star' - the Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man has been banned from a hotel for life after replying to a question about pets by telling staff he had a 'large snake in his trousers'.
'Jason Payne, 35, made the joke as he filled out an online form to book a night's stay at the Hilton in Basingstoke, Hampshire.
'But under a section asking if he had pets he wrote the only animal he has is a 'large snake in my trousers' adding 'hope that's okay'.
'The software consultant spent the night there on February 8 2014, but later received an email advising him staff wouldn't let him stay there again.
Mr Payne was told the language was "abusive" and "neither appropriate nor funny" and banned for life' - The Telegraph.
Thanks to Mediawatch spotters Mark Patterson and Andrew Sheena. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.