So much for Sam Allardyce's olive branch, Paul Scholes tries to make amends, and marking Lionel Messi really isn't that difficult...
There are a lot of hacks going all gooey over Louis van Gaal, while Luis Suarez has gone from irreplaceable to irrelevant and Robbie Savage is serious now....
This is the promo picture for the new team USA kits. What's not explained is what Clint Dempsey is doing with his hand...
The Sun's back-page story about England's World Cup rivals being able to spy on training sessions in Brazil is so absurd that Mediawatch simply does not know where to go after 'what the f***?'.
But we will stop and make one helpful suggestion to anybody thinking of going 400m up Sugarloaf Mountain to spot that yes, Wayne Rooney is playing up front and woah, that looks like Joe Hart in goal: You'd probably be better off taking binoculars rather than the magnifying glass used by The Sun to illustrate this pile of steaming horse*** they call a back-page story.
Kit Of All White
Mediawatch should point out that the Daily Mirror also have that ridiculous spy story on their back page (exclusively, of course) while also revealing that 'ENGLAND will ditch their traditional kit for an all-white World Cup strip after giving in to FIFA demands'. And yes, we're still talking about the back page. Of a national newspaper.
Apparently - and this is big so brace yourselves - 'that means the Three Lions running out for group games in Manaus, Sao Paulo and Belo Horizonte in a kit some supporters will not appreciate'.
It also means that sports editors are already getting really, really desperate and it's still only Tuesday of international week. Mediawatch is now sobbing quietly.
Wright, Wright, Wrong
What has Manchester City's Capital One Cup win done for English football? That's the utterly ridiculous question being asked by Ian Wright in The Sun after he spotted that City won without an Englishman. The answer to the fatuous question is of course 'sod all but why the f*** should they care?'
But no, we'll listen. Go on Wrighty: 'It's a fact that surely can't be lost even on those City fans who dreamt of their club becoming a world force as they dragged themselves around the third tier of football not so long ago. Are they now consumed with success that they are ready to see their club succeed at the expense of England's World Cup hopes?'
Well yes, Wrighty, exactly that. Most football fans of clubs in the third tier would take roughly 1.2 seconds to make a decision between their club winning a major trophy with foreign players and England winning the World Cup.
Perhaps older City fans will also remember that they won the League Cup in 1976 with nine English players, six of them England internationals. So presumably England - buoyed by such homegrown success - won that year's European Championships? What do you mean they didn't even qualify? It's almost like - and this might sound crazy - there's absolutely no correlation at all.
Hyperbole Of The Day
We could use pretty much any line of Dave Kidd's column in the Daily Mirror ('Pardew staying in Toon shames memory of this once-great club') but we have opted for this one:
'Pardew has proved himself little better than the thug who punched a police horse after defeat by Sunderland.'
Yes, man who pushes his forehead into the head of another man who has pushed him = man who punches horse full in the face.
Once again, Dave Kidd has 'made us think'. Mostly that just about anybody can get a newspaper column these days.
Stoke City chairman Peter Coates' stout defence of stampy Charlie Adam was interesting largely for this line: "We have seen some of the things that have gone on in recent weeks and no one has been called to account."
Is he talking about that horrendous, late but unpunished tackle on Tottenham midfielder Paulinho that saw the Brazilian ruled out for a month? Now who was that again?
Dean's Your Uncle
Headline in the Daily Express: 'You're right on cue, Daniel.'
Sub-headline in the Daily Express: 'Sturridge is ready to play the leading role'.
Quotes from Daniel Sturridge: None.
Quotes from his uncle Dean Sturridge: Shedloads.
No Ifs, No Butts
"The Europa League is a massive problem to Premier League teams," said Alan Pardew in December, back when he worried only about playing games on Thursdays and Sundays. Halcyon days.
Which is why Mediawatch was a little confused to see a headline of 'Alan Pardew delighted his team are in touch with race for Europa League' in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle.
Curious, we thought. Quite the u-turn. Until we actually read the article and discovered that no, as we suspected, Chunky had not once mentioned the Europa League. We suspect he still thinks it's a load of old cock. Expect a
It's international week so The Times have gone all Big Issue on our arses. This week they're addressing 'the new English disease' (copyright Matt Hughes' Twitter account) under the umbrella of 'For the Good of the Game'. Basically, it all boils down to 'will somebody please think of the (English) children (who can play football quite well but not as well as the foreigners)?'
Hughes himself has written a story claiming 'Clubs are looking at reforms to help English youth' but he has been let down by his sub-editor, who has rather lazily illustrated his words on the Times website with a picture of Watford - presumably because, well, they have a load of loan players, right?
The caption? 'The proposals could prevent Watford's Fernando Forestieri, on loan from Udinese, playing in the Championship.'
Which will be worrying news for Watford's Fernando Forestieri, with the emphasis very much on 'Watford's' since completing a permanent move last summer.
It might be the 'new English disease' but that's one old English caption.
Headline Of The Day
'WOULD YOU ADAM AND EVE IT?' - The Daily Mirror on Adam Lallana's rise.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Rickie eyes Brazmatazz' - The Sun. Please tell us that's not what they're calling it.
'On crest of a Rave' - The Sun ignore the basic rules of pronunciation.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A teenager who filmed himself having sex with a cheese and ham toastie has been banned from Twitter and Vine. The chef, formerly known as @VersacePopTarts, said he committed the act, before posting the video online, to 'gain internet fame'. He promised on Twitter to do the deed, involving the popular US Hot Pockets snack, if he received more than 420 retweets. 'I just thought it was so f***ing funny,' he told First We Feast.
''I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot. I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, "Dude, I'm gonna have to use a condom if I'm gonna actually stick my d*** in the whole Hot Pocket."'
'He added: 'Some of these people [his followers] would be shocked that I work in a restaurant.'' - Metro.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Adam Justice, Matthew Close and Sam Oakley. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.