Martin Samuel has a (foolproof) system to give Arsenal a tougher draw, whilst Roy Hodgson is now the same person as Adrian Durham...
Successful manager Martin Keown has some wise words for Louis van Gaal. The Dutchman is comparing unfavourably to Brendan Rodgers on 'clarity of vision'...
Life isn't fair. Mediawatch has to have soup for lunch because we have a long-standing battle with weight; Sofia Vergara shows no interest in us despite dozens of e-mails to email@example.com; Manchester United will not qualify for the Champions League this season unless they finish fourth.
Of all the unfair things in this life, the latter is clearly the unfairest of them all. Or at least according to the MailOnline's click-whore-in-chief Adrian Durham.
Durham believes it is a travesty that a side who have lost at home to West Brom, Everton, Newcastle and Tottenham, have picked up just ten points from 12 games against top-half Premier League sides this season and are 23 points worse off than the same stage last season, should be barred from next year's blue riband competition purely on the grounds that they've been utter arse.
'United belong in Europe's elite and it's almost unfair that because of a change of manager, and a tricky transition, they will be denied Champions League football. It's equally unfair that the Champions League will be without United, one of the biggest clubs in the world, and one of the biggest draws in Europe.'
So presumably any big club (or is it only Man United?) should be able to play their joker in a season of 'transition' and be waved through to the Champions League regardless. Otherwise, it's just not fair.
'There will be plenty of United haters scoffing at this, but the truth is the Red Devils don't belong in the Europa League,' he writes. No Adrian, there will be plenty of sane people scoffing at one of the most preposterous columns we have ever read. And we struggled through all of Martin Samuel's guff on Match of the Day.
Durham's alternative idea is utterly foolproof: 'United should set up a series of friendlies against top European sides through the course of the campaign.'
We think you'll find that'top European sides' will be playing in the Champions League, Adrian.
Apologies for making you read more about Durham - actually, f*** that, we read this bilge to save you the bother - but we cannot allow his nonsense about Roberto Martinez go unchecked. Just as Durham was dismissive of Andre Vilas-Boas' record points haul, he is unconvinced that Martinez improving Everton in terms of a) points and b) performance means anything at all.
'Not a lot has changed from last season it seems, despite some Everton fans proclaiming things are so much better under Martinez than they were under David Moyes. The quality of the football is better apparently. It doesn't mean much when you get hit for four in two of your biggest games of the season at Arsenal and Liverpool,' writes Durham.
Yes, but they did win at Old Trafford - though that was obviously 'unfair' and should not have been allowed - something David Moyes did not manage to achieve in 11 years. And they are six points better off than Moyes' Everton at the same stage last season. Even if you don't believe in measuring progress by performances, that's still a pretty significant improvement.
But 'they've just been beaten by a three-goal margin in an FA Cup quarter-final', argues Durham. Unlike Moyes' Everton, of course, who were beaten by a three-goal margin in an FA Cup quarter-final last season. By Martinez's Wigan.
Aye. He's definitely still
One Final Piece Of Durham
'Surely Arsenal fans aren't going to forgive Arsene Wenger for years of failure just because they've got as far in a cup competition as a League One side?
'He is one lucky geezer. Home ties all the way for the Gunners, even if they win the FA Cup they won't have left London on their run.'
And they will have beaten three of the Premier League's top seven on the way. But perhaps it would be fairer just to give the trophy to Man United, eh?
Mediawatch continues to note that after years of crashing bores counting the years, months, days and minutes since Arsenal last won a trophy, there's now a near-unanimous decision to discount the FA Cup as an actual trophy.
Mick Dennis of the Daily Express is the latest, writing: 'By valuing the FA Cup they will only prove their desperation for any silver pot after nine years of not needing to open their trophy cabinet...if they are left with the FA Cup, it will offer no real solace at all.'
As Mediawatch has noted before, it seems that a dry spell with the ladies can only be truly ended by a supermodel. As a page happily betrothed to a Leyland Daf, we beg to differ.
Doing Your Own Ting
The tabloid media defence of Tim Sherwood continues apace in The Sun, where Ian Wright shocks nobody by saying that the Tottenham manager was right to blast his players after Saturday's defeat at Chelsea.
'Sherwood's not afraid to say what he thinks and back it up with actions,' 'writes' Wright. 'He's proved he'll give the kids a chance and Saturday was the first league game when he didn't play any of the super seven who cost all that money in the summer.'
Which would have have been a compelling argument...had they not lost 4-0.
There's a noticeable shift towards 'Pellegrini's not really that good, is he?' in the media and the Daily Mirror's Dave Kidd has spotted that particular bandwagon and jumped upon it with the relish of a rabid dog.
There's plenty of question marks beside Pellegrini's name this season - most of them featuring the words 'Martin' and 'Demichelis' - but Kidd heroically manages to pin-point entirely the wrong weakness.
'His side do flat-track bullying better than anyone,' writes Kidd, somehow forgetting that he's writing this particular column this week because City have lost in the FA Cup to Championship side Wigan.
In truth, City have only the seventh-best record against bottom-half Premier League sides this season while boasting the very best against the elite, thanks to eye-catching results against relegation fodder like Man United (4-1), Tottenham (6-0 and 5-1), Arsenal (6-3) and Liverpool (2-1).
It's almost like he did absolutely no research. Surely not.
Luis Suarez has been talking to French TV in what the Daily Mirror call a 'rare interview'.
Rare? Really? In 2014 alone Suarez has given interviews to BT Sport, the Liverpool Echo, FourFourTwo, ESPN and Sport890 AM. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to the Mirror...
While every media outlet was reporting Chris Powell's sacking by Charlton at 9am on Tuesday morning, the club's official website was leading on the big news: 'Pittuck strike wins goal of the month.'
'Sam Pittuck's superb half-volley against Lewes Ladies has been comprehensively voted Charlton's goal of the month for February,' apparently.
To be fair, she hits it well.
Ings Can Only Get Better
When does a pretty good guess become an 'exclusive'? When it's in the hands of the Daily Mail's Ian Ladyman.
'ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson has already pencilled in Burnley striker Danny Ings as a surprise contender for a place in his Euro 2016 qualifying squad.'
Hottest young English striker possibly in future English squad? His contacts must be immaculate.
Headline Of The Day
'Guardiola shakes off his New York state of mind to make the best even better' - The Daily Telegraph.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Mick no fan of stark trek' - The Daily Mirror on Ipswich having to travel a long way. Awful.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Twin sisters from Australia have taken their sisterly bond to the extreme by spending £150,000 on cosmetic surgery to look identical. The 28-year-old women Anna and Lucy DeCinque from Perth, have had countless cosmetic procedures from lip fillers to breast implants and tattooed eyebrows in a quest to look exactly the same.
'From their matching treatments to their identical exercise routines, the brunettes are devoted to being duplicates and never stray from each others' sight for more than a few moments. The sisters are so close that they share a phone, a car, a job and a Facebook account. They even share the same bed - and boyfriend.
'"We're dating one boy at the moment," says Anna. "There are three people in our relationship. We're sharing."
'"It's not really weird to us," explains Lucy. "We have one boyfriend and all three of us share the same bed. For guys, in their hearts and dreams, they want two girlfriends. We have the same taste in everything, so obviously we're going to like the same boy too. We're all together when we have sex, and if we like the same guy, so be it."
'For the last two years, Anna and Lucy have been sharing the same double bed - and for the last twelve months, they have been dating the same guy. The 4ft 10in twins, who live at home with their mum Jeanna, 71, have dated separate boyfriends before, but they have always been best friends or brothers. Lucy says: "Every date had to be a double date. It's always double or nothing."' - Huffington Post.
Thanks for nothing. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.