Rio the player-pundit reasons why United will win the title, former superstars just won't start at the bottom anymore and we solve a Roberto Martinez mystery...
Apparently we can learn a lot in 15 minutes, and Paul Scholes can't figure out why there's friction with Wayne Rooney...
Amazing 'logic' from Brian Reade in his attack on Spurs this morning in the Daily Mirror. Under the tagline 'Levy nets own goal', Reade rather misunderstands football, which is quite a blow for a football writer, we're sure you'll agree.
'For a club that reminds you at every opportunity that "To Dare Is To Win", which has a tradition of playing attacking football and which spent £110million on mostly offensive talent last summer, one statistic damns the past year's poor decision-making by Daniel Levy and Franco Baldini: A goal difference of zero.'
Ahem, well if you'll excuse us for saying so, a goal difference of zero doesn't really say that at all, does it? It simply says that they have (in the league) conceded as many as they have scored. If Spurs had drawn every game 18-18 then presumably that would have matched Reade's demand that they continue a tradition of attacking football? They'd have scored 522 goals in 29 games, but would still have a goal difference of a big fat zero.
Finally, given that Spurs have five more points than Manchester United and Everton despite having a goal difference worth a combined +26, it shows either that they have been efficient in their victories or that the defence is not really up to scratch in the bigger matches, hinted at by their concession of three goals to West Ham, four to Chelsea, five to Liverpool and 11 in two games against Manchester City. If each of these games had been lost 1-0, say, Spurs would have a goal difference of +17. Would that be enough to impress?
Finally finally, a column on the 'past year's poor decision-making' rather grates against Reade's piece last August in which the man 'at the heart of football' himself stated 'fans will be massively relieved Bale's loss has been minimised by the exceptional work of Franco Baldini and Daniel Levy. Not just in attracting decent players such as Roberto Soldado, Paulinho and Etienne Capoue, Nacer Chadli and possibly Erik Lamela, without the lure of Champions League football, but in spending the Bale money before it has arrived, thus avoiding demands for hefty premiums based on the millions burning in their pocket'.
Finally finally finally, the whole premise of Reade's piece is rather flawed when you know that Spurs' motto 'audere est facere' is actually 'to dare is to do' not 'to dare is to win', as Reade believes the club 'reminds you at every opportunity'.
Strong work all round.
Mediawatch is no fan of the 'footballer as role model' brigade, putting stars onto pedestals with the intention of following them with cameras to pick up on any wrongdoing or misdemeanour. They can then be knocked down and beaten, all of us wringing our hands and outrage-ing to anyone who will listen: "Won't somebody think of the children."
That said, sometimes players do make it very hard for themselves indeed. And Nicklas Bendtner makes it harder than most.
On March 4, Bendtner spoke before Denmark's friendly against England at Wembley, insisting that he had an unfair reputation for a love of the...erm faster things in life.
"People think I'm a psychopath. The perception of me is never going to be positive if clubs talk to people who have a negative view.
"Of all the things said about me, I've only done one thing wrong. That was in Copenhagen (a drink-driving charge).
"The image people have about me is I'm all about partying, that I'm indifferent to football. It's as far from reality as could possibly be."
Fair enough Nicklas, you've charmed us. We'll give you a second chance, and assumed all those reported stories were just a load of old bollo... oh wait, what's this, just nine days later? A story about Nicklas Bendtner back home in Denmark, you say? On the same night that Arsenal were playing Bayern Munich?
So, what was Bendtner doing on Wednesday evening, giving out sweets to children? Working in a soup kitchen? Or just lounging about at home, musing over his hat-trick at the same stage of the Champions League four years ago? Let's just let the Daily Mirror explain...
'Nicklas Bendtner accused of threatening Copenhagen taxi driver in drunken rant' reads the headline, and it gets (a lot) better from then on.
'Arsenal striker Nicklas Bendtner has been accused of threatening a taxi driver and going "berserk" on a drunken night out in Copenhagen on Tuesday night.
'The striker reportedly "ran amok" in the Danish capital's trendy Norrebro district, allegedly threatening the taxi driver before unbuttoning his trousers and rubbing against the side of the car.
'The 26-year-old also reportedly whipped the taxi with his belt and told its driver, "I will f*** you" as well as calling him a "little bitch".'
A message to the football clubs of Europe: It's worth paying this man £52,000 a week just for the phrase 'whipped the taxi with his belt'.
How Did That Work Out?
"I know my contract won't be renewed, so every performance I've put in this season has been like being in the shop window. Hopefully someone is watching and wants to sign me." - Joleon Lescott better hope Europe's scouts were busy watching PSG v Leverkusen or Birmingham v Burnley on Wednesday evening.
Luk Who's Talking
David Maddock may be the Daily Mirror's man on Merseyside, but he might want to have a stern word with his sub-editors.
If you are known as the go-to guy for stories on Liverpool, it helps if the names of their players are spelled correctly.
'Lukas (sic) Is a Boy For Brazil' is the headline above a story about Lucas Leiva hoping that Liverpool's form will see him break into the Brazil squad for the World Cup.
Or have they recently signed Podolski?
Woods For The Trees
David Woods of the Daily Star demonstrates why he might not be the best man to give advice to Arsene Wenger on tactics. Not the right man at all.
'Where was the gung-ho last-ditch attempt to score the couple of goals needed to go through? Why did Wenger not tell keeper Lukasz Fabianski to go up for corners.'
Arsenal gained just one corner in the last 25 minutes - the last action of the match. Was Fabianski supposed to go up in the 68th minute for their penultimate corner to try and overload the box? Or should Fabianski have instead tried to score both goals needed from that final corner?
The fool was too busy saving penalties. Idiot.
A Turning Worm
"I've had a bad fortnight, that's all. I'll be here until the end of the season at the very least, and that's only because I haven't even thought about next season yet." - Harry Redknapp, February 25.
"If it's not automatic promotion, we'll go through the play-offs. The chairman's not a silly man - he knows I'm the best man for the job. I will survive. " - Harry Redknapp, March 1, after QPR draw at home to Leeds.
"Judge it at the end of the season and if we don't go up, it is up to the people who own the club to make a decision what they want to do. Why should I stand down? It is up to them. I would talk to the owners and discuss it with them, and see where we go." - Harry Redknapp, March 12, after QPR lose their fourth match in six games, and a week after the extent to which the club's financial f*ckwittery could impact on the future by means of heavy fines or transfer embargo was revealed.
We give it a month.
September 2 of this year will mark 69 years since the conclusion of World War II. So Mediawatch wonders when it can stop becoming a reference point for any match between an English and German side?
Certainly not just yet, if Brian Reade's column in the Daily Mirror is anything to go by.
'Toni Kroos' line about the Premier League being "a possibility" has optimists believing we'll soon be drooling over his best bits on Match of the Day. I'm more inclined to believe it's a prod to Bayern to give him a new contract.
'And thus the crassest bluff perpetrated on the English by a man in Munich since Hitler sent Neville Chamberlain back here with that comical piece of paper.'
Sigh, sigh and sigh again.
Fabulous work from an unnamed person at The Sun, which you may know uses a technique of bold and underline to put several key words from a piece in between paragraphs just to break up the prose.
'Shouting', 'Wonder', 'Thriller' and 'Hunt' are all examples in today's edition, but the best comes in Antony Kastrinakis' match report from the Camp Nou last night (as an aside, we though tiki-taka was dead, Antony?).
So which word was used to surmise the first 250 words of Kastrinakis' match report? 'Pigeons'.
Mediawatch has long had a fear of the meaningless marks handed out to players in the form of their ratings. We'd call it arbitrariphobia.
However, we're a big fan of Anthony Haggerty, who seemingly got that gig for the Daily Record at the game between Dundee United and St Johnstone at Tannadice on Wednesday.
St Johnstone won the match 1-0 away from home, but defender Brian Easton was substituted after suffering an injury 20 minutes into the match. He was awarded with a mark of 2 for his effort, lower than Dundee United goalkeeper Radoslaw Cierzniak, who made this mistake to hand St Johnstone victory.
The message at the Record seems very much to be "f*ck him, as soon as anyone leaves the pitch claiming injury they're dead to us".
Headline Of The Day
'Addicks suffering from Riga mortis' - Hats off to the Daily Express for their headline on Charlton's first match under Jose Riga.
Non-Football Headline Of The Day
'Kelly Brook's lover crashes van-load of dead badgers' - The Daily Mirror choose a headline from a non-story to make their front page, this time quite rightly.
Non-Bendtner Football Story Of The Day
'A Zimbabwean church leader has sued SuperSport after reportedly predicting Liverpool to win this season's English Premiership title.
'According to allafrica.com, Spirit Embassy Church leader Prophet Uebert Angel is suing SuperSport for $1.5 million after they published an article quoting Angel, saying he believed that the 18-time English league champions would return to their illustrious past.
'The article, published in late December last year, is no longer available on the website.
'Angel claims that he never made the claims and that the article itself was defamatory and has put his reputation in jeopardy, claiming that he risks losing followers as a result.
'Angel's lawyers have served the court summons to SuperSport's agent in Zimbabwe, Skynet, in a case which has been requested to be presided over in Zimbabwe's High Court.' - sport24.com
Non Football Story Of The Day
'A wedding had to be called off in Bangalore early this week over the choice of biryani served for dinner. While the groom's side insisted on mutton biryani, what was finally served was chicken one.
'According to news reports, the wedding was cancelled despite mediation by elderly members of both families. At Shaadi Mahal on Tannery Road where the reception was held on Sunday, the groom's family took exception to the chicken biryani that was on the menu. They wanted mutton biryani and entered into an argument with the bride's family. As emotions ran high at the venue, the feisty bride conveyed her decision not to marry the man.
'"My family also had doubts about his moral character and that set me thinking. Finally, the biryani episode settled it and I knew I would not have been happy in the relationship," the Times of India report quoted the woman as saying. - India Today
Thanks to today's spotters Andrie Combrinck, Edward Gladwin and Parvathram Chandrasekaran. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.