Liverpool definitely don't want Mario Balotelli, and panic stations at Arsenal...
Rio the player-pundit reasons why United will win the title, former superstars just won't start at the bottom anymore and we solve a Roberto Martinez mystery...
Worst Hyperbole Ever?
The Daily Mail asks the big question - 'Was Saturday the...PREMIER LEAGUE'S MOST AMAZING DAY?' - before asking the rather smaller (in type at least) question: 'Was this the day the Premier League hit back?'
Mediawatch can answer both questions: Nope. Three really very good sides eased past the worst two teams in the Premier League (and Arsenal) to highlight the massive gulf between the very best and the very worst; Wayne Rooney also scored a very good goal.
Does that help?
Talking about that rather good goal from Rooney, here's Peter Schmeichel speaking on MOTD2: "We've only seen one scored from the distance Rooney scored from yesterday and that was Beckham."
Maybe 'one' means 'about half a dozen' to the big Dane. Even if he's only talking about Premier League football, he's forgetting Maynor Figueroa against Stoke in 2009 and Xabi Alonso against Newcastle in 2006. And whilst there might be more of an accidental element to their achievement - Paul Robinson, Tim Howard and Asmir Begovic have all scored from a much further distance in Premier League matches.
Does anybody else get the feeling that Schmeichel only watches Manchester United?
The Daily Mirror's Darren Lewis is either a little bit in love with Tim Sherwood or has invested heavily in the gilet industry. We can think of no other explanation for his heavily flawed fawning on Monday morning after Sunday afternoon's comeback win against Southampton.
'If it is the results that matter, then Sherwood is the man getting it done,' trumpets Lewis, who has somehow forgotten a run of eight matches in which Tottenham's only victories were at home to Dnipro and Cardiff. If it is the results that matter then Sherwood is f***ed.
'His side are scoring goals (one in four Premier League games before Sunday), the steel is coursing through the team (12 goals conceded in five games) and Spurs are showing they can live without Adebayor, who has carried them for much of Sherwood's time in charge (Spurs have lost the last three games Adebayor has started),' writes Lewis.
You should have invested in property, Darren.
Surely there can be no doubt about Neil Ashton's motives - just ask the man out, Neil. You never know.
The Daily Mail's Football News Correspondent, who previously wrote that 'on Sherwood's watch this side will play 4-4-2, or a variation of it', watched as Sherwood got his 4-2-3-1 tactics completely wrong against Southampton and then rescued proceedings with a 'bold and brassy' and yet also 'subtle' change.
Mediawatch has been reading Ashton long enough not to be surprised by such confused fawning but even we were a tad taken aback by this extraordinary sentence: 'There will be those who argue that this win was streaky, but the same could be said of Liverpool after they twice went behind at Cardiff.'
Yes, Liverpool were so damned streaky to score six goals from 19 shots after enjoying 67% possession at Cardiff. The lucky b***ards.
At least Jamie Redknapp has the excuse of being Tim Sherwood's friend when he writes in the Daily Mail that he 'caused a furore when he criticised his players after their 4-0 loss at Chelsea but they have responded'.
Yes Jamie, they responded by losing 3-1 at home to Benfica, 1-0 at home to Arsenal, drawing 2-2 with a Benfica side in cruise control and then going 2-0 down after 28 minutes to Southampton.
Give the man a six-year contract.
That's not all from Jamie Redknapp, who writes: 'LUIS SUAREZ has to score six more goals to equal the Premier League record of 34 in a season. Do not be surprised if he breaks it.'
Mediawatch thinks you will agree that Redknapp is quite the fortune-teller. Without his advice, we would have been incredibly surprised if a man who has scored an average of 1.12 goals in every Premier League game this season somehow managed to score seven goals in the last eight fixtures.
As ever, thanks Jamie.
No S*** Sherlock
There were 42 goals in the Premier League this weekend. Why? Let's turn to Tony Cascarino in The Times: 'Not many teams in the top flight can defend well. Chelsea are the exception and West ham are well organised on their day. If there's an area that Premier League teams need to work on, it's at the back.'
Mediawatch really does hope they pay him by the word.
Talk About The Passion
Sunderland have won none of their last four Premier League games; they have the worst home record in the Premier League; they have won just once against teams in the bottom half of the division.
Is any of this likeable, quotable Gus Poyet's fault? Of course not.
According to Neil McLeman in the Daily Mirror: 'The irony is that Poyet is probably the only person at Sunderland guaranteed to be in the Premier League next season. If - or when - this side go down, he has already proved he has the passion and personality to be a top-flight manager and should get another job.'
What a shame for Poyet that Premier League success is - rather unfairly - measured in points.
Risible Intro Of The Day
'IT was one EL of a night. One EL of a Clasico. Won by one Lion-EL of a player' - Antony Kastrinakis, one EL of a prat, The Sun.
Wide Open Spaces
Jamie Carragher in the Daily Mail on March 22: 'Mata reminds me of Dimitar Berbatov. He was brilliant for Tottenham and he looked every inch a Manchester United player before he signed.
'But White Hart Lane has a smaller pitch than Old Trafford and Berbatov didn't have the speed to get around it. Similarly, Mata stood out at Stamford Bridge, which is also tight. Does Mata have the legs for Old Trafford's wide open spaces?'
Old Trafford pitch dimensions: 114 x 74 yards.
Stamford Bridge pitch dimensions: 112 x 74 yards.
Aye, poor Mata could really struggle with those extra two yards (and yes, we do know that's 148 extra square yards. Still not having it).
Headline Of The Day
'CAT IN HELL's CHANCE' - The Daily Mirror on Sunderland's survival hopes.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'NOW IT's FELIX THE COTT-AGE' - The Sun.
Best Non-Football Headline Ever
'Ten years ago the Lotto made me a millionnaire, now I suck off dogs for Quavers' - The Daily Sport. We simply cannot follow that.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Khalid Alaamer and Nik Roseveare. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org