Malky Mackay's mates jump to his defence, and Harry Redknapp is the gift that keeps on giving...
Liverpool definitely don't want Mario Balotelli, and panic stations at Arsenal...
Seven days ago, Robbie Savage was cock-a-hoop about David Moyes 'getting his tactics right' against Olympiakos, a team roughly a good as Wigan outside of their own country.
'If United had gone out of Europe this week, I would have feared the worst for Moyes,' wrote Savage in the Daily Mirror. 'Now I believe he will be given the summer to build his own team, which is the right solution.'
Savage has slept seven times since then and, as regular readers of Mediawatch know, this is plenty of time for Mr Marmite to change his mind on eight or nine occasions.
And here he is, right on cue: 'WITH heavy heart, but few alternatives, I've changed my mind about David Moyes. After the abject home defeat to Liverpool, where they were lucky it wasn't five or six instead of 0-3, Manchester United's clueless display in the derby against City was one humiliation too many at Old Trafford.'
So home defeats to West Brom, Everton, Swansea, Newcastle, Tottenham and then the 'abject home defeat' to Liverpool were fine but a home defeat to title favourites Manchester City is 'one humiliation too many'?
'I almost hate myself for saying these things...'
Not half as much as we do, Robbie.
'We have reached the stage where 50 years of tradition at Old Trafford is being dismantled in a single season,' says the numerically challenged Savage.
That will be 50 years of tradition that saw them relegated 40 years ago and finish in the bottom half three times since their promotion back to the top flight.
Have we reached the stage where it's acceptable to round up 27 years to 50?
Oh Brother, Where Are Thou?
'WHEN Manchester City lost to Wigan in the FA Cup quarter-final less than three weeks ago there were some wistful glances towards Turkey and former manager Roberto Mancini,' writes Shaun Custis in The Sun.
Wistful glances? From who? Who would be so damned foolish?
Perhaps Custis (S) had this preposterous headline - 'If City could axe Mancini, surely Manuel faces chop now' - in mind. That headline appeared in The Sun on March 14 over a column that began: 'THE betrayal of Roberto Mancini might just be coming back to haunt Manchester City.'
That column was of course written by one Custis (N). Most brothers just stick to Chinese burns.
All Kinds Of Wrong
Incredible work from the Daily Mirror. They not only claim the anti-David Moyes banner story as an 'exclusive' on Friday morning despite it being widely reported on the internet on Thursday afternoon, but they also contrive to get the slogan wrong.
'Supporters have chipped in to raise £840 to pay for the light aircraft to circle the ground before kick-off against Aston Villa, towing a banner with the words 'Chosen Wrong - Moyes Out,' writes David Anderson.
To be fair, 'Chosen Wrong' is a far better slogan than 'Wrong One'. Anderson should have passed on his excellent idea to the idiots who think hiring a plane to basically say 'it's not fair that we're losing' is an intelligent use of £840.
Some of you may have wondered - Mediawatch certainly did - how The Sun would report news of 'aces' Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs, Gary and Phil Neville and Nicky Butt buying Salford City FC after Thursday's massive 'exclusive' about the group - and David Beckham, never forget dreamy David Beckham - being in talks about a takeover of Manchester United.
Would they gloss over the subject and pretend they never made such a fanciful claim? Or would they strap on a giant pair of brass balls and swing them into the startled faces of those who suggested they had mixed up two very different clubs? We suspect you know the answer already...
'MANCHESTER United's value leapt to £1.7billion last night after The Sun revealed David Beckham and the Class of '92 are in talks over a takeover,' screams their front page. Yes, their front page.
And yes, they did 'exclusively' see the share price rise on a very public stock exchange.
Brass Balls (A Return)
The Sun not only claim 'exclusive' access to the New York Stock Exchange but also Twitter - that very private arena to which only Jake Ryan and Sam Whyte apparently have access.
'IRATE Manchester United fans abused a woman on Twitter - after mistaking her for the daughter of David Moyes,' they claim in what they herald as 'REDS EXCLUSIVE (2)', prompting Mediawatch to ask the question: What's significantly worse than one steaming pile of horses**t?
The One And Only
Sam Allardyce is so entrenched in the north that is to Northern Football Correspondent Ian Ladyman that the Daily Mail turns to launch an impassioned defence of the West Ham manager.
'Allardyce is the manager who brought West Ham back up from the Championship and then kept them in the Barclays Premier League for two seasons,' writes Ladyman after some nonsense about Nick Faldo.
We might give his argument rather more credence if the (lady)man could count to 'one'.
In a blow to Jose Mourinho's father, son, John Terry, Michael Essien, various other footballers who call him Daddy and Neil Ashton, The Sun have described Chelsea fanboy Rob Beasley as 'the man who knows him best'. Poor Neil.
Last Thursday the terribly nice but achingly dull David Silva met the press at the Blue Planet aquarium to publicise his role as an ambassador for a holiday company, prompting headlines of 'Manchester City star David Silva at home in the shark pool' (The Daily Express) and 'Big fish Silva all set for the sharks' (Manchester Evening News). Cheesy but appropriate for stories that mentioned Silva's aquarium visit in the opening paragraphs.
Eight days later, Martin Blackburn of The Sun finally got around to transcribing his interview with Silva. Thus, 'WE'RE JAWSOME' is the headline with a bizarre picture of Silva in front of a shark. Which would make some degree of sense if at any point at all, Blackburn had explained why there was a) a picture of a shark and b) any talk of sharks at all.
Instead, he writes: 'JUST when opponents thought it would be safe to go back to the Etihad - David Silva has a message for them. The sharks were circling after Manchester City's two Champions League defeats to Barcelona and the shock FA Cup loss to Wigan. But Silva, who has pretty much won the lot in a Jawsome career, insists the Blues are hungry for more glory.'
Lordy. We think you can probably guess just how many times Silva makes any reference to sharks, being hungry or, erm, being Jawsome.
Headline Of The Day
'Why Mourinho's horse could win big race by a nose' - The Times.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'INGLORIOUS PARD******' - The Sun seem to believe that Pardstards is a swear.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Get ready for the next generation of reality TV - naked dating. Created by TV company Eyework, TV show Adam and Eve is billed as 'an incredible experiment to find true love in its purest form.' It sees contestants taken by boat (naked) to a tropical island where they must swim to shore (naked), with the aim of finding love (naked) - you get the picture.
'The sans clothing singletons are left on different sides of the island and then left to wander to one another and begin their first date in nothing but their birthday suits. The show's description is really something: 'After a spectacular and rather awkward start, the couple explores the island to find their shelter and food supply, where they will spend the night together in a breathtaking paradise: it is their true Garden of Eden.' - Metro.
Thanks for nothing, people. If you see anything over the weekend, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.