Martin Samuel has a (foolproof) system to give Arsenal a tougher draw, whilst Roy Hodgson is now the same person as Adrian Durham...
Successful manager Martin Keown has some wise words for Louis van Gaal. The Dutchman is comparing unfavourably to Brendan Rodgers on 'clarity of vision'...
There's Got To Be A Way
The Daily Mirror were banned from the Allianz Arena on Wednesday night for crimes against Bastian Schweinsteiger. But you can't keep a good man down. Or Oliver Holt.
A picture of Holt standing defiantly in the stadium is accompanied by the caption 'YOU CAN'T KEEP US OUT: Bayern banned The Mirror from last night's game but our man Oliver Holt still found a way in to report from the Allianz Arena.'
He 'found a way in'? And what was this plan full of good old-fashioned derring-do? Did it involve a zip-wire, a cunning disguise and a hostage?
Or did he pay money for a ticket and sit with the Manchester United fans?
The Big Show
Having put Wayne Rooney in their Team of the Day on Sunday despite him not making it onto the pitch, it's little surprise that on Thursday The Sun's 'ROONEY WATCH' sidebar (always with the sidebars) ends with the verdict: 'DAVID MOYES was desperate to have Rooney on the pitch and he showed why.'
Presumably, Moyes was desperate to see a man run around aimlessly rather a lot and then 'dither' (The Sun match report's words, not ours) before he 'scuffed his side-foot shot horribly' when presented with the best chance of the game.
You sure showed 'em, Wayne.
Manchester United fans will have been very relieved to have picked up the Daily Mail this morning to discover that, actually, they support a really rather good football side. Forget the fact that they lie seventh in the Premier League, Martin Keown saw enough in one hour of ultra-defensive football in Munich to suggest that the future is indeed bright. Phew.
He writes: 'It was more like the United of old, and for the first 60 minutes as good a performance as any this season given the calibre of opponent they were up against. This was the all-conquering Bayern Munich. Maybe United do not need the massive overhaul that has been suggested. They looked a good side. It was a brave fight.'
(and then Bayern Munich scored three times in 17 minutes).
Do Not Go Gentle
Perhaps The Sun's claim that Rob Beasley is 'the man who knows Jose best' has irked fellow Chelsea fanboy Martin Lipton because he plumbs new depths of sycophancy with his latest piece in the Daily Mirror.
'His DNA has become Chelsea's,' fawns Lipton. 'An ability to overcome the odds. To dig deeper than you believe possible. To rage against the dying of the light.'
He's only gone and pulled out Dylan Thomas. Boom. Over to you. Rob.
Rob and Martin may soon find themselves with a helluva lot of competition as there is a helluva lot of men getting helluva sexed-up about Jose in today's newspapers. Mediawatch can't help but think the Daily Telegraph's Jeremy Wilson is a tad too easily impressed.
'This sense of Mourinho as the grand orchestra conductor was further augmented by a chance half-time exchange with Claude Makelele, who is now the assistant coach of PSG. "It will be 1-1 or 2-0 to us," Mourinho told his former player. Had Edinson Cavani finished his wonderful second-half chance, the pessimistic prediction may well have come true.'
So a man predicts at half-time of a match of few chances that there will be one more goal. From one of the teams.
The man's a wizard. One sexy wizard.
'Following his spot-on forecast, Mourinho is now knows as the Incredible One after the animated movie The Incredibles,' writes the desperate Andrew Dillon in The Sun. Desperate, that is, to justify the ridiculous, mocked-up image of Mourinho as a superhero.
Two things, Andrew...
a) No he's not.
b) He's really not.
A Very Portuguese Coup
Those with really long memories and an unhealthy love of Mediawatch may remember that back in July, the Daily Mail's Matt Barlow wrote an astonishing back-page story - heralded as an 'exclusive' - that began: 'Jose Mourinho is plotting a fixture coup in a bid to turn up the pressure on David Moyes and give Chelsea a head start over Manchester United in the title race.'
We're not repeating that story because of the hilarity of Manchester United being involved in a title race, but rather because the Daily Mail trumpeted the ensuing fixture switch (the Aston Villa game being moved forward) as a triumph for Mourinho, despite Mediawatch pointing out that actually there was no other date available that side of Christmas.
Here's a crowing Matt Barlow a few days later: 'The Barclays Premier League agreed that Villa's trip to Stamford Bridge, which had to be moved to accommodate Chelsea's UEFA Super Cup game against Bayern Munich, should take place on August 21. As reported by Sportsmail, it was the start Mourinho wanted to the campaign because it presents his team with two home games - against Hull and Villa - before travelling to Old Trafford five days later.'
What a coup. And we think you'll agree that it has proved priceless in Chelsea's battle for the title with Manchester United.
And here's Matt Barlow in today's Daily Mail: 'CHELSEA'S title clash at Liverpool could be moved as Jose Mourinho at last finds help at hand from the Premier League fixture planners.'
'At last'? How soon a 'coup' is forgotten when you spend nine months in the company of Jose.
No Way, Jose
The modern world is a scary one for the Daily Mail's John Edwards. So much so that he still uses a picture byline that looks roughly 17 years old.
There are just so many foreigns.
'There are plenty who answer to the name Jose in today's multicultural English game, but not that many who do it in a broad Scouse accent,' he writes of Sheffield United's Jose Baxter.
Mediawatch can think of four Premier League players called Jose. And when we say 'think of', we mean that we looked at the internet. Oh and there's one manager. We're literally over-run.
Somehow we don't think Edwards is using the word 'multicultural' as a compliment.
Chris Hughton is right that Norwich were "on course to create history" under his management. We're absolutely certain that no other Norwich manager has spent £26m in one summer to drop from 11th to 17th. So well done, Chris.
Headline Of The Day
'SANTI CLAWS' - The Sun on Santi Cazorla's digs at Arsenal.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'IT'S MAN U BLIGHTED' - The Daily Record.
Today there is no Non-Football Story of The Day as nobody seems to have had their penis amputated by accident or design.
Thanks for nothing. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.