The Daily Mail continue to pick apart 'dream wrecker' Katharina Liebherr, and someone needs to fix the fax machine at Sheffield United...
Jose Mourinho refuses to make emotional decisions and a look at the latest transfer guff...
Cech Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
Said Petr Cech: "We have things in our hands. We need to wait for one slip-up from Manchester City."
Slight Difference Of Opinion
'TOTTENHAM KLOPPSPUR - Dortmund boss tops Levy's target list' - exclusive in The Sun.
'TOP OF THE KLOPPS - United eye Dortmund boss if Moyes fails' - exclusive in the Daily Mirror.
'If' Moyes fails. Good one.
Man Uses Cash Machine
The Daily Mail continue their curious fascination with the mundane on Tuesday with a riveting story about Manuel Pellegrini. Nope, sadly it's not Charlie Sale with yet another update on the Man City manager's golf membership; instead it's the exciting news that Pellegrini used a cash machine. To withdraw money, of all things.
'Just 24 hours after his team suffered a vital 3-2 defeat at the hands of Liverpool, Manchester City boss Manuel Pellegrini was pictured nipping to the cashpoint to make a small withdrawal on Monday,' writes Paul Collins on the paper's back page.
'However, with his title hopes slipping away and key players Yaya Toure, Vincent Kompany and Sergio Aguero all struggling with injuries, the 60-year-old Chilean will need more than a few £20 notes to solve his problems.'
There are pointless stories, and then there's the Daily Mail.
Pellegrini wasn't alone in doing normal person things on Monday, with the Daily Mail also 'spotting' Steven Gerrard out for a walk with his wife.
The snaps of Gerrard accompany an article by Dominic King which claims the Liverpool captain will 'have' to be recognised as the best player of the Premier League era if the Reds win the league.
'Henry? Shearer? Giggs? Forget them, if Gerrard leads Liverpool to the title, he'll be the best player in Premier League history,' states the MailOnline's headline.
Below, King writes: 'Should he lead Liverpool to the title this season, and crown an extraordinary career with the one gong that has proven so elusive, he will have to be recognised as the greatest player of the Barclays Premier League era.'
It's not as bizarre a claim as King also opining that Ryan Giggs 'remains Manchester United's best player', but repeatedly being told exactly what to think about Liverpool's title challenge is starting to grind Mediawatch's gears.
It's almost as though they have an enormous fanbase that the media want to indulge purely in the name of hits.
Spot The Odd One Out
The Sun ask six of their writers to predict the remaining matches of the title run-in on Tuesday, with five of them tipping Liverpool to come out on top. The odd one out? Chelsea fan Rob Beasley, who obviously backs the Blues. Sometimes it's easy, this journalism lark.
Headline in the Daily Mail: 'ANFIELD STARS WILL BOTTLE IT, SAYS PETR CECH'
Actual quotes from Petr Cech: 'Let's see how they cope when it comes to the last hurdle. They will have to jump over it. They have been doing remarkably well, but we are still around.'
Mediawatch notes that the Daily Mail have started to separate Adrian Durham's weekly online column into three separate links in order to maximise hits, but don't worry - we'll still read it so you don't have to.
Tuesday's column(s) is typically painful, with Durham appealing to popular opinion in particularly shameless fashion.
After moaning about Premier League clubs resting players in the FA Cup (good god, how many times have we read that tedious argument?), Durham moves on to compare Steven Gerrard and John Terry, explaining why the former deserves to win the title this season. Obviously, there was only ever going to be one winner in that debate.
'Steven Gerrard or John Terry?' asks the Mail's hit-machine. 'One is a 'captain, leader, legend.' The other is John Terry.'
Durham's specific issue with Terry is that the Chelsea captain admitted asking Phil Dowd to send Chico Flores off on Sunday. Forget that this is something all footballers do in almost every match - and that Flores deserved his red card - because, according to Durham, it's so much worse when Terry's involved.
'Terry asked for another professional footballer to be sent off and a referee duly obliged,' he writes.
'Gerrard drove his team on to victory and then showed the true emotion of a player passionate about his team, his club and the Liverpool supporters. It's a no-brainer isn't it?'
It is when you choose those two examples. But then Terry is always going to compare unfavourably to Gerrard, which is exactly why Durham has chosen the two for the subject of his column. It's always about pitting one character against another to rouse and divide the readership, provoke a reaction, and continue the clicking frenzy. Enormously irritating, but so incredibly successful.
Leaving Durham's claims about Luis Suarez 'turning over a new leaf' to one side, Mediawatch thinks it's important to highlight just how meagre his understanding of football actually is, despite the soapbox he's afforded.
'How many referees have shown two yellows for just two fouls committed in a game?' he asks of Flores' two bookings. 'Neither foul denied a clear goalscoring opportunity, and neither caused an injury. One was even in the Chelsea half.'
Yes, no-one has ever been booked for two fouls, especially not in the opposition half. You can do what you like up that end of the pitch.
Ian Wright ponders Manuel Pellegrini's future in The Sun after Man City's title hopes took a blow with defeat to Liverpool.
'The players had barely left the Anfield pitch before whispers were starting about what failure to lift the title could mean for Pellegrini's future,' writes Wright.
'After all, Roberto Mancini got the bullet despite bringing the FA Cup and championship to City - ending the club's 35-year wait for a trophy - during the Italian's four-year reign.
'So have the Etihad top brass now backed themselves into a corner? Have they made a rod for their own backs, which will see Pellegrini head for the exit?'
Simple answer, Ian - no, obviously they haven't.
As you've written, Mancini won the FA Cup and the title in four years, but lost in the final to Wigan last season and finished 11 points off the pace in the Premier League. City are still very much in the title race in Pellegrini's first season and will stand just a point behind Liverpool if they win their two games in hand at home to Sunderland and Aston Villa. Pellegrini clearly doesn't have too much to worry about.
'Say what you like about the national press - and people will,' writes Dave Kidd in his 'make you think' column for the Daily Mirror. 'There's an anonymous online writer who sifts through this column each week and often writes more words criticising what I write than I write myself - a niche way of paying the mortgage.'
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Your Tyne Is Up' - the Daily Mirror on Newcastle preparing to sell Hatem Ben Arfa.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A Norwegian fisherman has found a large sex toy in the stomach of a fish he was gutting for dinner. Bjorn Frilund, 64, told The Local newspaper that he was struck by the cod's "unusual shape" as soon as he picked it up.
'"I was astonished," he said. "It was totally unexpected. I had never seen anything like this before." Mr Frilund reckons the cod mistook the bright orange sex toy for a local species of octopus.
'"Fish eat all kinds of different things," he told The Local. "And the dildo looks like what the fish eat. We have a kind of multicoloured octopus in Norway, maybe the cod thought this was one of these and ate it."
'Mr Frilund has another theory as to how the vibrator, which still had a small motor at one end, ended up in the ocean in the first place. He thinks it might have been tossed overboard by a "frustrated woman on a cruise" in the Barents Sea. "The chances of winning the lottery are probably greater," he said' - news.com.au.
Thanks to today's spotter James Beresford. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.