Liverpool definitely don't want Mario Balotelli, and panic stations at Arsenal...
Rio the player-pundit reasons why United will win the title, former superstars just won't start at the bottom anymore and we solve a Roberto Martinez mystery...
Relax. Don't Do It
A little part of Mediawatch feels sorry for Richard Arrowsmith of the Daily Mail website. With everyone giving their two cents on the departure of David Moyes, he was cruelly sent out to find a new angle - a fresh insight into his sacking. And this is all he could find:
'Wayne Rooney, Phil Jones and Rafael play a relaxing round of golf the day after David Moyes is sacked by Manchester United,' blurts the headline on a story that includes five pictures and four videos to flesh out what is truly Grade A guffery.
Arrowsmith writes: 'Instead of commiserating the departure of their beleaguered manager David Moyes, several Manchester United players preferred to recover from the loss...with a relaxing 18 holes of golf.'
How dare they play golf on their day off rather than putting their arms - all six of them - around poor old Moyes. The heartless bastards.
'Although, despite having free time on his hands, their former boss wasn't invited to take part in a four-ball,' Arrowsmith continues.
And they didn't invite him along either? Have they no hearts?
'Former United talisman Roy Keane has laid the blame squarely with the players, saying "they should be ashamed of themselves because they really let him down". Obviously, that's not how the highly paid untouchables felt as they strolled around 18 holes.'
As usual, a little part of Mediawatch has died. This time, it's the 'little part' that felt sorry for Richard Arrowsmith.
Reade-ing The Riot Act
Brian Reade claims to be at the 'heart of football', but Mediawatch can't help feeling that he should have consulted the head before penning his Daily Mirror column on bad touchline behaviour.
We thought that a fine and touchline ban would suffice for Chelsea's Rui Faria after his recent outburst against Mike Dean, but Reade has other ideas.
'Isn't it time we considered going back to the days when we didn't have dozens of players, coaches, assistants, kit men and physios sitting on the touchline?,' Reade begins as Mediawatch straps itself in.
'On the grounds that they're encouraging riots, rather than handing out minor touchline bans to individuals, why not...give 50 of the best seats in the house to the fans.'
Firstly Brian, those 'players' are substitutes, those 'coaches' are coaching the team, and those 'physios' are responsible for the well-being of the players. Mediawatch would love to hear Fabrice Muamba's thoughts on the idea that medical professionals shouldn't be allowed near the pitch.
Also, we can't see any security or safety issues whatsoever with allowing 50 fans to sit on the touchline. Nope, no, no siree, that all sounds just fine to us.
Doctor Who Cares?
'Meet Eva Carneiro, the Chelsea medic (and Real Madrid fan) who is the busiest doctor in football,' bleats the MailOnline's headline. Surely the busiest doctor in football is the poor sod in charge of Arsenal's medical room, Mediawatch pondered, but then that doctor probably isn't a woman.
'Who is the woman who came on to help Petr Cech?' is the first question in Sam Cunningham's desperate feature.
That woman is Eva Carneiro, Sam, who has been employed by Chelsea for almost three years. Indeed, MailOnline welcomed her in August 2011 under the headline 'So, who's that lady on the Chelsea bench?' the first paragraph of which read 'It wasn't just Didier Drogba attracting attention on the Chelsea bench at Stoke on Sunday.' Apparently, 2011 was a lot like the 1970s.
Writes Cunningham, answering his own question: 'Chelsea first-team doctor Eva Carneiro. Born in Gibraltar to a Spanish father and English mother, Eva studied medicine at Nottingham University before working in emergency surgery in the Highlands. She studied in Australia, did an MSc in London and a thesis at West Ham.'
Forgive Mediawatch's curt tone, but why the fresh hell does anyone need to know this? The only time we've ever seen a club doctor discussed in this much detail before is when Bolton's medic Jonathan Tobin helped save the life of Fabrice Muamba. And you'd be right in thinking that was rather more important than Petr Cech's dislocated shoulder.
It's relevant to note that there are seven pictures of Carneiro accompanying the Mail's 'story' - two more than the number of questions Cunningham attempts to answer, the last of which is: 'Anything else we need to know?'
'As a teenager Carneiro enjoyed ballet and riding, she loves to travel - handy, given her line of work - plus salsa and samba. She also likes to surf, something she learnt in Australia. "Those moments on the surf in the early mornings and evenings I can honestly count among the happiest in my life," she said.'
Yes, that really is on a strictly need-to-know basis.
Taking A Punt
Mediawatch has long been a fan of the papers trying to name a club's starting XI for a match, and it appears that April 24th is our Christmas Day.
With Jose Mourinho reportedly receiving permission from Chelsea to play a weakened side against Liverpool this weekend, welcome to an unexpected version of 'Name That Team'.
The Daily Mirror, Daily Express, The Sun and The Times manage to pick 18 different players between them, including Nathan Ake playing at left-back, right-back, centre-back or not all, depending on who you believe. Summary: No-one has a clue.
The highlights are the Express opting for a 'Tomas Kallas' (we think they mean Kalas) in central defence and the Daily Mail handing a start to Andreas Christensen. Isn't he the chap who Neil Ashton told us only last week was 'a long way off joining Jose's ranks' despite being on (or maybe not on) a million pounds a year?
Hit For Six
Headline in the Daily Star: 'Nifty Fifty - We'll Knock Them For Six'
'Mark Hughes is urging Stoke to hit the Premier League for six and knock up a stunning half-century. Hughes wants the Potters to turn record breakers.'
Actual quotes from Hughes: "We set ourselves a challenge at the beginning of the year and we're on course."
"I sat them down and said this is what we are going to try and do. Given that the points total was higher than they had ever got before, maybe some of them in the room didn't believe it was possible. But credit to them, they have really focused on what we needed to do and hit almost every target we have set them during the season.
"I think a lot of people at the beginning of the season thought we would have difficulty competing, but we have been okay and we're in a great position to finish off the season in a good way.
"But we've still got to achieve things. I always try to set targets which will enable the team I'm at to go for something they haven't achieved before."
The umpire is truly raising his arms aloft.
No No Matter (Yes, that is a Boyzone reference. Deal with it)
You may consider Gary Neville to be a jolly fine pundit, but Mediawatch isn't sure that he's quite got to grips with this football management lark.
Speaking on the vacant managerial position at Manchester United, Neville said: "The reality of it is that it doesn't really matter who the manager is.
"What matters most to Manchester United fans is that they actually win football matches and get back to where they belong."
Well yes Gary, but hasn't the last ten months demonstrated that the whole 'winning matches' thing is entirely dependent on who the manager is?
If it didn't matter who the manager was, the club could have stuck with Moyes and continued their stand against the 'immediacy of modern life'. Hmmm?
Headline Of The Day
'Karim Of The Crop' - We liked the Daily Star's simple effort on Real Madrid v Bayern.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Title Is Schwar Still On' - Note to The Sun, 'Schwar' doesn't sound like 'sure'. We had this conversation yesterday, remember?
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A woman who was stopped for driving without a licence was found to have a loaded gun hidden in her vagina, a female cop discovered.
'The nineteen year old offender was concealing a stolen four inch revolver in her 'private parts', Tennessee Police discovered in a routine traffic stop.
'Dallas Archer was arrested at three in the afternoon for driving with a suspended license when a search revealed she was packing something inside her groin, 'The Smoking Gun' website, reported.
'Two female officers then took the blond offender into a private area to conduct a more appropriate search, where they discovered a loaded 4-inch North American Arms 22LR revolver, the NY Daily News reported.
'The shocked Police charged the offender with firearms offences before releasing her on €6,000 bail.
'She gave no reason as to why she kept the gun there.' - Sundayworld.com
Thanks to today's spotter Mr Bloody Nobody. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.