Apparently we can learn a lot in 15 minutes, and Paul Scholes can't figure out why there's friction with Wayne Rooney...
Brendan Rodgers gets awful excited about a text, Man United are struggling to sign superstars 'these days' and Jamie is changing his mind already...
Mediawatch can't help thinking that Luis Suarez has over-egged his surprise at Liverpool's success in the quotes that are doing the rounds on Friday.
"It would be something amazing, even to the whole of England, because of the investment made by Chelsea, City and Arsenal," said Suarez.
"Even Tottenham have spent over £100m and we, with so little investment, are in that position. It would be incredible."
(As an aside, the Daily Mirror's Martin Lipton then interjects: 'Not, perhaps, as incredible as Suarez's own transformation, from the most criticised player in the country to arguably the best.' Again, for those hard of understanding, those two considerations are not on the same gradient. Scoring goals does not make you a better person.)
Anyway, back to Suarez, who obviously has a point about Liverpool being the poor cousins of City and Chelsea, but is stretching it by bringing Arsenal and Spurs into the equation.
Indeed, what with Liverpool fans so obsessed with 'net spend' arguments, they might be keen to know that the Reds are fifth in this regard over the last five years, with total purchases of around £310m resulting in a net spend per season of around £18m.
Spurs and Arsenal are 17th and 18th respectively, with the former spending around £750,000 net per season, and the latter actually recording a negative net spend each year.
Liverpool's title win would certainly be an extraordinary achievement, but let's not bulls**t people and pretend they haven't invested.
Slight Difference Of Opinion
'It is understood support from his predecessor ebbed away as United's decline under Moyes became more dramatic' - report the Daily Mirror of Sir Alex Ferguson's role in David Moyes' exit.
'Sir Alex Ferguson tried to save David Moyes from the axe. The former boss stayed loyal to Moyes until the very end, pleading his case as the rest of the Manchester United board prepared to sack him' - report The Sun of Sir Alex Ferguson's role in David Moyes' exit.
Said Michel Platini in 2011 as he warned clubs who defied UEFA's FFP regulations: "The day I leave UEFA, I would like to be able to look back and see clubs in a better and sounder financial situation and sounder."
"If a club doesn't fall in line and live by the same rules as everyone else, they will have to live with the consequences. It will be time for them to face the music."
Platini, speaking about that 'music' on Thursday: "You will be disappointed if you are looking for blood and tears. There will be tough sanctions - but no teams will be excluded from European competitions."
El No Tiene Idea
Jeff Powell reviews the candidates for the Manchester United vacancy in the Daily Mail and picks Jose Mourinho as David Moyes' ideal successor. What interests Mediawatch, though, is his thoughts on Diego Simeone.
'El Atlético de Madrid no es brillante contra el Chelsea y no hablan Inglés - and you know what our lot are like,' writes Powell, making a point about Simeone's lack of English.
The part that really grinds our gears, however, is Powell saying Atletico Madrid didn't play brilliantly against Chelsea. Never does it fail to rile Mediawatch how quickly the press like to write off teams, managers and players after watching them only once against an English side. And not only that, but one might argue that the reason Atletico weren't brilliant on Tuesday is because Mourinho, the man Powell thinks should get the job, denied a contest with his ultra-negative tactics.
Speaking Of Which...
'Since when has it been illegal or immoral to play for a goalless draw away from home in Europe?' asks Robbie Savage in the Daily Mirror.
'If Liverpool had kept a clean sheet in Spain against Atletico Madrid in Bob Paisley or Rafa Benitez's heyday, everyone would be calling it a masterclass.
'But when Jose Mourinho does it, he's parking the bus or playing 19th century football - and the Special One did not deserve such a two-faced reaction to a job well done.'
Three things, Robbie:
1) Your point about Paisley and Benitez is b*llocks. Plenty would have criticised them.
2) It's not the clean sheet people have a problem with, it's the lack of any intention to attack.
3) Mourinho was accused of playing '19th century football' because he's a massive hypocrite and that's exactly what he said when West Ham earned a 0-0 draw at Stamford Bridge earlier in the season.
It's the news you've been waiting for, folks! Handshakes are back in the headlines!
'SPURS STARS PLAN BEAST OF A SNUB OVER ADAM' blasts the Daily Mirror's back page, with Darren Lewis penning the following 'exclusive':
'Spurs players are considering a pre-match handshake snub for Charlie Adam tomorrow.
'The north Londoners have not forgiven the Stoke midfielder for his tackle on Paulinho in December which left the Brazilian out for a month.'
If this is all Spurs players have to worry about, it's no wonder their season is ending with a whimper.
Case For The Defence
'Was it his fault - apart from selecting a player not fully fit - that Rooney missed two sitters against Bayern Munich in Germany?' asks Steven Howard in defence of David Moyes in The Sun.
Hmmm. Forgive Mediawatch for not being entirely convinced by that argument.
The Daily Mail's Charles Sale is no stranger to a spot of top-scooping, and he doesn't disappoint on Friday as he reveals: 'Ashley Cole picked a novel way of showing how long he's been out of the first team at Chelsea before his midweek Champions League semi-final return - he grew a beard.
'However, it is expected to have been shaved off by his next appearance.'
'Expected to have been shaved off' - is there anything more wonderful than beard speculation?
P.S. How about an update on Manuel Pellegrini's golf membership, Charles?
Least Surprising News Of The Day
Tweeted the Daily Mirror's John Cross: '#afc Wenger says Diaby got groin problem in midweek after game and misses Monday.'
Quote Of The Day
"If I was in the stand seeing Delphy give it away every two minutes I'd probably have a go. I'd be screaming, 'Delph, what you doing?'" - Aston Villa's Fabian Delph.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Podolski lured by scent of Cologne' - the Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A new bride was left exhausted in a hospital emergency room, after she couldn't stop orgasming for more than TWO HOURS.
'Doctors were left baffled by the bizarre incident, captured on camera by the woman's husband.
'In the video uploaded to YouTube, the woman is seen struggling to speak as she has repeated orgasms while sitting in her hospital bed, with medics handing her Valium in a bid to get her body to relax.
'She tells the doctor: "For the first 10 minutes I was like, this is awesome but now it's exhausting.
'"This is so embarrassing. I will never forget this."' - the Daily Mirror.
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