Robbie Savage offers Arsene Wenger some tactical advice, while Alan Pardew really doesn't get it...
Isn't Mario Balotelli crazy? Plus, another episode of nonsense in the Birmingham Mail...
That picture, ladies and gentlemen, is of Wilfried Zaha. Or rather, Wilfried Zaha's penis in a pair of Gilmore Support Shorts.
Apparently, 'they encourage blood flow to the supported areas, so that sportsmen and sportswomen may maintain peak performance. Due to design technology, the Gilmore Support Shorts target areas that are often missed by other shorts because the genital pouch allows maximum compression around the Pubic Symphysis and groin areas'.
A genital pouch. Yours for just £89.99. For small. And he ain't wearing small.
Reluctantly moving away from genital pouches, Glen Johnson's reaction to the 3-3 draw at Crystal Palace on Monday night has humbled us: 'So many sofa experts in this game.... Absolutely no idea about football what so ever! #Jokers''
He's sodding right, you know. Mediawatch knows so little about football that we thought that throwing away a 3-0 lead was utterly embarrassing and displayed the kind of defensive naivety and downright incompetence that has threatened to derail Liverpool's title challenge all season. Silly Mediawatch.
Please educate us, Glen. Was that actually the plan all along?
You know you've cocked things up when even the Queensland Police Service are trolling you...
'Long delays on the Logan MWY w/b, Drewvale - longer delays for the title to arrive at Anfield #bnetraffic #YNWA'
Danger Of Writing Player Ratings Early
The Daily Mirror on Joe Allen: 'He may never score a more important goal in his career.'
Your Sweetness Is My Weakness
A sweetly optimistic Alan Hansen in the Daily Telegraph on Monday: 'City are always susceptible to conceding goals and that should provide Liverpool with the inspiration that this year will go to the wire. Any ardent City supporter would agree that City's weakness is their defence and it has been the same story all season.'
Goals conceded by City this season: 37.
Goals conceded by Liverpool this season: 46.
They certainly looked inspired on Monday night, Al.
While We're Talking....
"When Gerrard lifts the Premier League trophy..."
The Sunday Mirror's Andy Dunn - chairman of the Football Writers' Association and, incidentally, a Liverpudlian - made Mediawatch shake with anger on Monday when he talked about Luis Suarez's 'redemption' on Sky Sports News. Because of course scoring a few goals against Norwich wipes out the racism and the biting entirely. Phew. It's exactly that easy.
It was also curious to hear Dunn talk of 'redemption' - which can surely only be achieved over time - when he was actually arguing for Suarez as Footballer of the Year last season - three months before the Uruguayan sunk his teeth into Branislav Ivanovic.
In January 2013, Dunn wrote: 'There have been signs in recent games that Suarez is aware of a need to curtail his dramatics. And while he, presumably, believes he committed no crime in the first place, there has been no indication he will repeat the offence that outraged so many and earned him an eight-match suspension.
'We should not forget his heinous offence against Evra - but we can all forgive.
'The Footballer of the Year award, in particular, takes into account the example set by a player. Right now, the example being set by Suarez is of matchless commitment to the team's cause, of an insatiable hunger, desire and passion for the game, of invention and world-class ability.'
Three months later, Suarez was a pariah again. And some folk still won't learn about the ridiculousness of 'redemption' talk.
Headline on a piece by Neil Custis in The Sun on March 14: 'If City could axe Mancini, surely Manuel faces chop now.'
Extract from column by Robbie Savage in the Daily Mirror on the same day: 'People can accuse me of sticking up for my mate Roberto Mancini, but he was sacked for winning the FA Cup one year and the title the next - so where does that leave Pellegrini?'
Winning the Premier League title in his first season in English football in all likelihood, Robbie. Next question please.
Jack Wilshere: A Timeline
April 30: England manager Roy Hodgson more or less promises Jack Wilshere a World Cup spot regardless of whether he plays again this season, saying: "I am not prepared to have a 100 per cent rule that you either play in the last game of the season or you don't go - I am not prepared to do that. I have spoken to Arsene and they have been holding him back because they don't want to push him too early."
May 2: Arsene Wenger says Wilshere is 'not far away', telling reporters when asked about his World Cup chances: "It is not a gamble if he's completely fit. It's a strengthening of the team. If there was a medical doubt then yes it would be a gamble. But I think he will be completely safe and on that front medically he should be alright."
May 6: Arsenal fanboy John Cross 'exclusively' claims in the Daily Mirror: 'JACK WILSHERE will get a last chance to prove his World Cup fitness - just 24 hours before Roy Hodgson names his squad.'
To whom is he looking to prove his fitness, John? You?
Sitting In A Tree...
Emmanuel Adebayor on Tim Sherwood: "No matter where he goes, I will always keep him in my heart and I have a huge respect for him - as a manager, as a friend, as an ex-footballer, because he knows what it takes to be a footballer. He respects everyone equally, and for me he is a great man and a great manager."
Translation: He picked me.
'ARGY BARGY' is the headline in the Daily Mirror, who reveal that Argentinians Jonas Gutierrez and Luciano Becchio had 'outraged supporters with their comments' after the 0-0 draw on Sunday.
Get ready to be appalled and, yes, outraged at this comment from Becchio: 'I don't understand anything.'
Grab your pitchforks, people. Let's run the Argy out of town...
Wright, Wright, Wright
It's insightful sentences like these in The Sun that make Ian Wright the 'talk of football': 'Although 35-year-old Frank Lampard looks likely to get another season at least, he's not getting any younger for all he is still a top, top player.'
Headline Of The Day
'KOP ROCKED BY A GAYLE STORM' - The Daily Mail.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'SCHURRLE TEMPER' - The Daily Mirror. We would have forgiven them if Andre Schurrle was remotely in a temper.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A Paris court on Monday found a South African artist guilty of sexual exhibitionism after a performance in Paris that saw him dance with a rooster tied to his penis. But the criminal court imposed no penalty on the artist, 51-year-old Steven Cohen, noting that no complaint had been filed against him and that he had not engaged in sexual acts. Prosecutors had requested a €1 000 (R14 510) fine.
'Cohen was arrested last September after the performance in a busy public square near the Eiffel Tower. Sporting platform shoes and an outlandish costume including feathers on his fingers and a headdress made of a stuffed pheasant, he danced for 10 minutes with his penis attached to the rooster, before police stepped in. "What I did was art (that) had nothing to do with sexuality," he had told the court, adding that no one -even a group of passing nuns - had complained about the performance" - Channel 24.
Thanks to Mediawatch spotters Owen Amos, Sanjay Sundarjee, Andries Combrinck and Dave Hoffman. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.