The Page That Is Glad To Be Madrid Of Him

Yaya Toure looks bloody good for a reserve, whilst English (and that's important) James Milner shone as brightly as anyone. Plus, when PE teachers know too much...

Last Updated: 08/05/14 at 12:09

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The above is the Daily Mail's diagram of Yaya Toure's goal from last night. There are only four things wrong:
Scored with his left foot? Check.
Into the middle of the goal? Check.
Scored from the left side of the area? Check.
Two team-mates up alongside him? Check.

Still, at least we are given colour-coded arrows to tell us in which direction Toure was running and what constitutes a shot on goal. We were stumped.

Not Actually That Great
While we're on the subject of the Ivorian, whose wonderful goal on Wednesday night took him to 20 in the league for the season and his club to the verge of a second league title in three seasons, it seems an apt time to revisit the reaction when Toure joined Manchester City. Mediawatch presumed that the majority thought the midfielder might do pretty well, but we were very wrong.

Not as wrong as Brian Reade in the Daily Mirror, mind.

'Manchester City's new £24m signing from Barcelona, Yaya Toure, is being paid an initial wage of £185,000. Holy. Mother. Of. Jesus,' Reade wrote in 2010.

'Toure is not actually that great. He's not a creative genius who will get backsides off seats but a defensive midfielder who stops players who can.

'He may not even get a game for City, who already have four highly-rated players to fill that role - Patrick Vieira, Gareth Barry, Nigel de Jong and Vincent Kompany.

'I can understand luring the sought-after David Silva to Eastlands for £140,000-a-week, but giving a quarter-of-a-million quid every seven days to a defensive squad player who no other club would have touched for that kind of money and whose name won't sell shirts, is insanity on a previously unimagined scale.

'Insanity on an unimagined scale'. We're proposing that as a much more suitable tagline for Reade's column than 'at the heart of football'.

SHOUT, Let It All Out
Still, at least Reade knew who Yaya Toure was.

This is a clip in which Mike Parry on SHOUTsport admits that he had "never heard of Toure (or David Silva) until the 2010 World Cup", a view he maintains despite it being pointed out that Toure was at that time a double Champions League winner with Barcelona.

You get what you pay for.

Sitting Back With My Homegrown
Most of the papers are full of praise for City's imminent victory in the Premier League title race, but not so John Wragg in the Daily Express. He very much introduces himself as Mr Parade-p*sser.

'Homegrown talent takes a back seat' reads the headline. It's an argument, sure, but now is hardly the time, given that they seem to be doing quite well with all these bloody foreigners, thank you very much.

'The fact only two, James Milner and Joe Hart, started the game tells you why Manchester City are facing a £50million fine for importing the best talent from all over the world, and paying them vast amounts, which runs against UEFA's financial fair play rules,' claims Wragg.

No it doesn't. The FFP fine relates to City's losses of greater than €45million over two years for UEFA competitions. UEFA doesn't make any distinction on the purchase of foreign against domestic players other than to insist on the implementation of the homegrown rule, something that City have fully adhered to.

'City's trawl through the world of football has brought players from Argentina and Montenegro, but it was Milner, born in Leeds and an ex-player for his hometown club, Swindon, Newcastle and Villa themselves, who stood on this stage as brightly as anyone.'

Talk about making a conclusion to fit your argument. Mediawatch is very much Team Milner, but even we would contest that he 'stood on this stage as brightly as anyone'. Milner had one shot off target, created one chance and was brought off after an hour with the score at 0-0. City went on to net four goals in his absence.

We're only surprised that Wragg didn't praise Milner ('effective at what he does in a very English kind of way') for selflessly sacrificing himself to allow City's foreigners to win the game.

A Certain Romance
Wragg also uses the latter part of his Daily Express column to acclaim the Premier League for its romance and competitiveness.

'As the rain belted down at the Etihad Stadium it became a very English game as well, the unfancied penny-wise team making life hard for the millionaires, something you don't see from teams in the lower reaches of many European leagues.'

Two things, John:
1) Manchester City beat Aston Villa 4-0.
2) Aston Villa are owned by an American estimated to be worth £1.5billion.
3) At exactly the same time as City were scoring those goals, Vallodolid were holding Real Madrid to a 1-1 draw in La Liga, Guingamp were drawing with Monaco and Rennes were beating Paris St Germain in France's Ligue Un.

But no, you're right, it's all very rare.

To Know Him Is To Love Him
Textbook work from the Daily Mail this morning, who take click-baiting to an almost galactic level.

First comes the headline: 'If Moyes had given Wilson a chance, he's be off to Brazil'.

That's obviously utter sh*t, but don't let that worry you chaps.

'James Wilson would be on the plane to Brazil had David Moyes put him in the Manchester United first team sooner.'

No, no he wouldn't. And he only started against Hull because United had nothing to play for.

'That is the opinion of the man who knows the 18-year-old striker better than anyone, Chris Swift, the former Stoke City academy player and head of PE at Wilson's old school.'

Ahh right, now we see. You've taken the unsubstantiated opinion of someone that knew the player when he was a child. Wonderful.

Incidentally, if former head of PE Chris Swift knows Wilson 'better than anyone', he would probably have been invited to Old Trafford to watch the match. Y'know, like his parents were?

Change Of Heart
The Daily Mirror's John Cross, April 18: 'Luis Suarez is such a runaway winner as PFA Player of the Year it's ridiculous. He's been the best by a mile.'

Cross, May 5: 'Luis Suarez is the official FWA Footballer of the Year. I was a bit torn but voted for Yaya Toure.'

Worst Headline Of The Day
'Braziliant For Prem' - The Sun stink the place out. It just doesn't work.

Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A groom allegedly so drunk the minister called off the wedding says he will write a ''killer'' song about the incident.

'Musician Jacob Francis Brookes, 41, appeared briefly in the Port Adelaide Magistrates Court on Thursday, after being charged in February with disorderly behaviour and resisting police. He was charged after police were called to the Uniting Church at Exeter, in Adelaide's western suburbs.

'Outside court, he told reporters he would fight the charges as ''I did nothing wrong." After his first court appearance last month, he told reporters he would do things differently. ''I regret choosing [that minister] as the marriage celebrant at my wedding and I had my buck's night the night before, bro. I mean, come on, we're all men here."

'Mr Brookes said he's still in contact with his ex-partner and was praying they would get back together' - Sydney Morning Herald.

Thanks to Mediawatch spotter John Hastings and P Angel. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.

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