Brendan Rodgers is the best thing since sliced bread, says Brendan Rodgers. We really are getting tired of his nonsense...
Steven Gerrard would never swap shirts - he's English! Phil Thompson must be confused right now, a woman takes a very long breath and Roy Hodgson on gay folk...
The Pard Sell
It's easy to be wise after the fact. But sometimes it's also really quite a lot of fun to be wise after the fact.
On that note, we bring you the opening paragraph of Martin Samuel's piece in the Daily Mail on May 13 after the appointment of Manuel Pellegrini as Manchester City manager, under the intoxicating headline of 'Pellegrini spent £200m at Real and won nothing...Surely we have better managers here':
'Manuel Pellegrini is going to be the new manager of Manchester City. And right there is the reason why Manchester United's appointment of David Moyes was so important for English football,' writes Samuel.
And which 'better managers' did Samuel cite who are crucially - to the Daily Mail at least - from these islands? Alan Pardew, Steve Clarke and Steve Bruce, of course. How on earth did City's billionaires pass up on that
talented British trio? They must be sodding kicking themselves.
Does any Man City fan fancy a swap? Anybody? Come on fellas, even the Chosen One is available now...
The Perfect Storm
We cannot leave Martin Samuel's column from May 13 without a nod to this delicious paragraph: 'A decade ago, Ferguson's departure could genuinely have thrown United into a loop. Now, it causes mild turbulence.'
Tweet from John Cross, The Daily Mirror, May 13: '#mcfc & Pellegrini smacks of Emperor's New Clothes. Malaga, Villarreal v good. Real Madrid £200m disaster. He'll do well to emulate Mancini.'
Tweet from Adrian Durham, talkSPORT, June 14: 'Hilarious that City fans are saying Pellegrini is the right appointment because "he's better than Moyes."'
Mark Lawrenson, The Daily Mirror, March 9: 'The signs were there way back in early January that Pellegrini was tactically wanting. Now we know.'
Dave 'he'll make you think' Kidd, The Daily Mirror, March 10: 'We've heard the question all season long from the red half of Manchester: Why did United appoint David Moyes when Jose Mourinho was available? Pretty soon, the Blue Moonies at the Etihad will be asking: Why Manuel Pellegrini when City could have had the Special One?
'Forget the romantic tosh from Mourinho that he only had eyes for his old Chelsea flame - his public utterances are, invariably, tosh - he'd have crawled on hands and knees to either Manchester club. They simply didn't want him. And now they're living to regret it. City have the best squad in England by a country mile. Yet Chelsea have the best manager. Where Pellegrini makes obvious mistakes, Mourinho plucks masterstroke decisions from the clear blue heavens.'
Headline on piece by Neil Custis, The Sun, March 14: 'If City could axe Mancini, surely Manuel faces chop now.'
Tweet from Mark Ogden, Daily Telegraph, April 16: 'Man City have hit the wall. Players look exhausted, with Yaya and Silva injured and Aguero and Kompany struggling. No way back now.'
Richard Keys on his website ('your *photo of a key* to sports'), April 17: 'Now City might yet recover to win the title, but I doubt it. It's been a devastating week. When they needed mental strength most they were found wanting again. Winning isn't 'easy'.'
Mediawatch has many times amused itself with the above column from Neil Custis, who claimed that Manuel Pellegrini should face the sack after losing just one of his previous 15 Premier League games - a claim that owed absolutely nothing to his close relationship with Roberto Mancini. Oh no.
Now we have another thing to amuse us - Custis contriving to mention Mancini just seven paragraphs into a piece on City's title win headlined 'I DID IT MY WAY'. He may have done it his way but Mancini 'laid the foundations', don't you know?
What A Difference Two Months Make
Funnily enough, Lawrenson is now hailing the 'brilliant management' of Pellegrini. We thought he was 'tactically wanting', Lawro?
From Garth Crooks' team of the season on the BBC, describing Per Mertesacker: 'The player Arsenal fans affectionately refer to as the "big friendly giant".'
Erm, pretty sure that's not what BFG stands for, Garth.
Bat Out of Hull
From Lawro's final weekend predictions on the BBC: 'Hull have fallen into the bottom three in the league table based on my predictions (below) but I never thought they would go down in reality.'
Just to clarify: Lawro never thought Hull would be relegated; he just tipped every result so, according to him, they would be relegated. They stayed up and then he said he thought they'd stay up even though by his results they would have gone down? Wonderful.
Presumably, 'in reality' he also didn't think Manchester United would finish third, Everton would be down in eighth, Aston Villa would have a top-half finish and Sunderland would go down with Hull. 'In reality' he probably predicted the Premier League table exactly how it finished. Well done, Lawro.
Nice But Dim
Tim Sherwood after the 3-0 win over Aston Villa on the final day of the season: "If I had started the season, we would have been in the Champions League."
Number of points per game amassed by Tim Sherwood as Tottenham boss: 1.91.
Number of points per game amassed by Arsene Wenger as Arsenal boss this season: 2.08.
Nice try, Tim. Clearly not a substitute maths teacher.
When not pondering how Alan Pardew would have made a better City manager than Manuel Pellegrini, Martin Samuel is writing in the Daily Mail about the unfairness of Arsenal being top seeds for the Champions League on the grounds that they have had nine 'ordinary seasons'.
That would be nine 'ordinary seasons' that have seen them qualify for the knock-out stages of the Champions League nine times - reaching the final once. One man's bitter 'ordinary' is another man's 'bloody extraordinary'.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'A STOKE THROUGH HEART FOR MEL' - The Daily Mirror.
Quote Of The Day
"It's the greatest moment of your life winning the Premier League. People talk about having kids but everyone has kids" - Gary Neville, Sky Sports. Oh Daddy.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man from Florida has been taken to hospital with severe cuts to his genitalia. The unnamed and rather embarrassed man from Barto reports to have been out in the town trying to find a lady friend to mate with, when he came home on his own, on Wednesday. The Florida man said that he was "extremely horny". That's when he grabbed an empty beer can, and began to "try to make love to it". It was "about 2 pumps in" that he felt water dripping off of his private area, and he looked down to find that it was blood. The injury occurred when the 23-year-old twisted the can, ever so slightly, and split the skin. Still humping whilst doing so. The man's penis was 'cut to ribbons' and will need surgery, the hospital expects he will have a full recovery within a few weeks' - Whizba news.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Howard Hockin, Jaimie Kaffash, Kevin O'Doherty and Darth_Harro. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.