The Sun launch a marketing campaign with no flaws, we're shocked by the stats that reveal that speed merchant Raheem Sterling is quite quick and more...
It's desperation day in the open-plan offices of Britain's tabloid sports press so back pages feature Gareth Southgate, Radamel Falcao's great-grandfather and...
NEWS! NEWS! NEWS!
On the day when Louis van Gaal could be appointed new Manchester United manager, Luis Suarez has made ambiguous statements about his future and Jack Wilshere has revealed an interesting chat with Paul Scholes, what have MailOnline chosen as their biggest football story of the day?
If you answered 'Daniel Sturridge going on holiday with his girlfriend' then you're a fool - that's lower down - but the real newshounds will know that the biggest story on this Thursday afternoon in May is that Rio Ferdinand and Sergio Aguero have both been promoting Samsung in Singapore.
It's Manchester UNITED, you see. And Mediawatch is now weeping quietly.
Mediawatch's cockles were warmed by the story of Jack Wilshere ringing Paul Scholes to ask his advice on football - potentially England's finest central midfielder of his generation asking one of his heroes where his game should improve after hearing his views on Sky Sports.
"If it had come from a rubbish player I could say 'what are you talking about?' But it came from Paul Scholes," said Wilshere. "So I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I spoke to him, he explained it a bit better and told me what he thought I should work on. For me he was the best English midfielder of all time."
Sounds lovely. So how has this been reported by England's fine tabloid media?
'WILSHERE TACKLES SCHOLES - Jack has it out with his TV critic,' says the Daily Express.
'I was so angry at Scholes I rang him to have a go...then ended up taking his advice,' says the Daily Mirror.
Or, person rings another person and has 'quite a good chat'. Which means that Mediawatch probably 'tackled' Ma Mediawatch last night. Poor ma.
Most Pointless 'Single Quotes' Ever
Headline on the back page of the Daily Mail: 'Sexist' Scudamore in fight to keep job'.
'South Africa World Cup 2010...and the shooting's already started,' was just one of many headlines in the Daily Mail ahead of the World Cup in 2010. In this case there had been a shooting 'only 70 miles from a 2010 World Cup football stadium'. Which is very, very close and very, very worrying. They're savages, you know.
Four years on and it's time for the Daily Mail (who would only be happy if the World Cup was held in Chichester) to ramp up the fear factor about Brazil. And, in particular, Manaus.
'IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE! Swarms of giant hornets, drug-fuelled violence, rubble around every corner...'
Sounds scary. But it's the giant hornets that are intriguing Mediawatch. Intrepid reporter Joe Callaghan mentions one hornet once - 'a huge hornet pierces the humid night and hovers overhead' - and yet the Mail talks of 'swarms' of giant hornets.
And on MailOnline, two picture captions mention these giant hornets despite no actual pictures of giant hornets.
'Welcome to the jungle: Match night in Manaus, where giant hornets hover overhead,' is the caption under a picture of some people outside a stadium. There are no giant hornets in the photograph.
'Aerial threat: giant hornets may be an unexpected problem for England boss Roy Hodgson,' is the caption under a picture of Roy Hodgson at a press conference. There are no giant hornets in the photograph. He doesn't even look remotely worried about giant hornets.
It's almost like Mr Callaghan went to Manaus expecting to at least suffer a flesh wound from a gunfight, instead saw one sizeable wasp and the Daily Mail thought 'f*** it, we'll run with the hornets. People are sh*t-scared of hornets'.
Tabloids love big numbers. Especially big numbers with no real context. So when The Sun have a back-page headline of '£9M - Poch cost to boss Spurs', what we're supposed to think is 'bloody hell, what a greedy bugger', especially when The Sun say Mauricio Pochettino 'has told Tottenham he wants £9million' and that he is 'insisting on a three-year deal, worth £3m a year'.
What The Sun don't say: Sam Allardyce earns £2.95m a year at West Ham.
Doesn't sound so greedy now, does it?
The Sun on the expected clear-out at Liverpool: 'RODGERS 'N OUT FOR 12'.
The Daily Telegraph on the expected clear-out at Liverpool: 'Liverpool could offload 14 players.'
The Times on the expected clear-out at Liverpool: 'The future of as many as 15 Liverpool players is in doubt..'
Just sell them all.
The Sun are claiming that they 'GOT THE BOOK THEY ALL WANTED'.
That book is of course Terry Venables' (second) autobiography. Pow. Wow. Whoop and indeed whoop.
What The Sun should have said: 'WE GOT THE BOOK THAT NOBODY ELSE WANTED BECAUSE WE ALREADY PAY VENABLES - WHO LAST HAD A MANAGERIAL JOB 11 YEARS AGO - TO BE A COLUMNIST AND ACTUALLY WE HAVEN'T QUITE GOT OVER OUR OTHER COLUMNIST HARRY REDKNAPP SERIALISING HIS BOOK IN THE DAILY MAIL. THE B***ARD.'
Stop Talking Sensational
In today's serialisation, Venables 'sensationaly reveals' how he could have managed Arsenal. Which is quite a sensational revelation, we're sure you'll agree. No wonder it's THE BOOK THEY ALL WANTED.
Extract from the Daily Mirror website, December 2011: 'SPURS legend Terry Venables collected a lifetime achievement award from London Football Coaches Association at the Emirates - and revealed his first job as a manager could have been at ARSENAL.'
Joyful And Triumphant
Headline in The Sun: 'LUIS TIPS ROY JOY.'
What Luis Suarez actually said: "Brazil is favourite - they play at home. Then you have Argentina as they have one of the best players in the world, Lionel Messi. And then Spain, Germany, Italy and England."
Do you think that Suarez is a) tipping England (and Roy for joy) or b) naming the biggest footballing countries in the world?
If you answered a), you're Antony Kastrinakis. Sorry about that.
Bumper To Bumper
The Daily Mirror, April 30: 'Steve Bruce is set to land a bumper new pay deal as his reward for giving Hull the best season in their 110-year history. The Tigers' top brass are keen to tie down boss Bruce on a long-term agreement.'
The Daily Mirror, May 15: 'Hull are offering Steve Bruce a bumper new contract to stay.'
And Alan Nixon has the cheek to call today's piece an 'exclusive'.
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'RIGHT HAND VAN' - The Daily Mirror on Ryan Giggs being Louis van Gaal's No. 2.
'LVG D-DAY' - The Sun.
Thanks for nothing, people. If you do spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.