The Page That Has Shaken Its Bonbon

England always perform against the best, Louis van Gaal is in the mood for wooing and we are saddened to bring you your first dose of WAGwatch (sort of)...

Last Updated: 21/05/14 at 12:37

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Thankfully only one paper labels Gerrard 'England's Lionheart', whilst El Tel (sort of) saw this coming. Plus, Rodgers will choose to buy Pogba for £30m. Perfect...

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Becks Appeal
David Beckham spoke to Sky Sports News on Tuesday about his hopes for England in the World Cup. Beckham does a spot of sunglasses modelling for Police and, judging by his quotes, it appears they may have given him a rose-tinted pair to try out.

"Italy have got great players and a great history, but that can be a good thing for us because I think we always perform well against the big teams and it doesn't get much bigger than this."

In the last 25 years, England have been knocked out of tournaments by Italy, Brazil, Germany (twice) and Portugal (twice). "We very rarely perform well against the big teams," would have been a far more accurate statement.

Beckham saves some of his revisionism for Italy, claiming that "the Italians always perform well at the World Cup".

Taking two points and finishing bottom of a group containing Paraguay, Slovakia and New Zealand in 2010 rather disproves that point, David. It's not as though you were helping to coach a team at that tournament...

Woo Woo
'I Will Woo Roo' - screams the headline on a piece by Neil Custis in The Sun, accompanied by the tagline 'RVP is key to LVG plan.' 'Woo' indicates seeking favour, affection or persuasion, so these should be good quotes from Louis van Gaal on Wayne Rooney.

Actual (and only) quotes from Van Gaal: "I don't think he (Sir Alex Ferguson) is the biggest problem. I put more pressure on myself than others do.

"I'll undoubtedly have a drink with Ferguson. We've done that before and we like each other. Nobody can put more pressure on myself than I do, so I do not expect any problem with Ferguson."

Mentions of 'wooing': 0
Mentions of Rooney: 0
Mentions of Robin Van Persie: 0
Mentions of any player: 0

It's almost as if The Sun have the same quotes as everyone else but invent a completely new angle.

Mmmm, Pubs
'Roy: My pub XI would stop RVP' farts the headline in the Daily Mail, followed my an equally bullish opening paragraph: 'Roy Hodgson has claimed that he could coach a pub team to get a result against Manchester United.'

Actual quotes from Hodgson (in an interview given to World Soccer Magazine): 'You can organise a pub team not to let in six goals against Manchester United.'

Mediawatch isn't quite sure conceding fewer than six goals constitutes 'getting a result' or 'stopping' United. As for the mentions of 'RVP', well you can guess how many times the Dutchman's name crops up.

Our First Dose Of WAGwatch
The Daily Star do what the Daily Star do best worst on Wednesday, with a story on page five (yes, this is 'news', apparently) regarding WAGs being banned from England's training camp. Oooh, juicy.

As you can imagine, it's a wholly tedious story, but the following paragraphs did make Mediawatch giggle:

'One stunning WAG did turn up at the Vale do Lobo resort - glamour girl Danielle Lloyd. The Scouse babe was thrilled to find herself on holiday next to the squad.

'But she was unable to get anywhere near them so settled for the company of her husband Jamie O'Hara, 27, who is with her on a three-week golfing break.'

Unable to get anywhere near? The Daily Star hint at an image of Lloyd being peeled from the perimeter fence whilst slobbering over England footballers when, actually, she's just on holiday with her family. Fame-hungry b*tch.

Exclusively Reading
When The Sun have a 'Sun Sport Exclusive' everyone pricks back their ears to listen, and today is no different.

'No professional should ever miss a penalty' is the headline on their latest 'exclusive', in which Rickie Lambert reveals his thoughts on taking spot-kicks.

The dictionary definition of a journalistic exclusive is 'a piece of news, or the reporting of a piece of news, obtained by a newspaper or other news organisation, along with the privilege of using it first.'

The Sun unsurprisingly adopt a creative interpretation of that definition, given that the entire interview with Lambert comprises of extracts from a book called Twelve Yards.


Unfortunately, Wednesday brings more from 'The Maddest Man In Football' Jimmy Bullard's autobiography in the Daily Mail. Is there going to be anything left for those questionable folk who decide to buy it?

Today Bullard's column concerns the management and coaching of former England manager Fabio Capello. Before the raucous self-congratulation for referring to Capello as "Postman Pat" (he's got a big nose, you see), Bullard tells an anecdote of the dinner habits that he and banterer-in-crime David Bentley used to prefer.

"The whole squad always had to eat together but we had dinner at 7pm, the same time my kids have it. That was never going to last me until the following morning. If I was at home and I got peckish later in the evening, I'd go to the fridge and have a bite to eat. But with room service off limits, Fabio left us to starve until breakfast.

"That was way too strict for my liking. It would get to about 9pm or 10pm every night and I'd be starving. Something had to be done. So I paid a visit to David Bentley's room. 'How can we eat something?' I asked him.

"'Leave it to me,' he said as he called a mate of his. Within half an hour, there was a knock at the door and Bentley's mate was standing there with a large McDonald's brown paper bag full of Big Macs and chips. You f***ing beauty!"

Suddenly Bentley's lack of club since June 2013 begins to make a little more sense.

Incredibly after such blatant unprofessionalism, at an England training camp no less, Bullard then has the tenacity to say that non-league coaching is better than that received under Capello.

One thing still troubles Mediawatch - Is 7pm really that early to eat dinner?

Doing A Badger
Dean Windass is a curious sort for Twitter, and that's being very generous. "What's the point in us english ex footballs doing our badgers never going 2 get jobs don't have 2 say why!" is a particular favourite of Mediawatch.

Last night, Windass caused something of the social media storm when he tweeted: "Forgot my wifes birthday now she is my X wife she left me for Ffs what is going on?" There were messages from well-wishers, those taking the p*ss out of his 'news' and others genuinely concerned for his mental well-being.

Eleven hours later Windass explained all: "if your not clear about my tweet last night I was referring to Yaya Toura as far as my wife she is really my X wife now but ime ok with it !"

So it was all a joke, you see. Although his wife has left him. Mediawatch isn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

Headline Of The Day
'A Toure De Farce' - The Daily Express find an acceptable balance between pun and name.

Worst Headline Of The Day
'I Will Woo Roo' - That headline in The Sun is a stinker.

Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A man has been arrested after allegedly trying to have sex with a cash machine and a picnic table.

'Lonnie Hutton, 49, was charged with public intoxication after being detained by police outside Boro Bar and Grill in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.

'A police report alleges that he first tried to have sex with the ATM after pulling down his trousers and underwear, exposing himself. Police arrived at the scene where they saw an allegedly drunk Hutton walking around while still naked.

'He was described as smelling of alcohol, unsteady on his feet. He also had slurred speech and bloodshot eyes. He was thrusting his hips, according to WKRN, when police took him outside.

'A report filed by police said they sat him down on a bench outside when he "exposed himself again and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table."

'He was sent to Rutherford County jail to be processed and will appear at court on July 1' - Daily Mirror

Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Nik Roseveare. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.

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Readers' Comments


e made his power play to try and get Sheikhy to raise his wages or trade him to PSG. PSG were probably not interested and he is stuck with no cake and no vacation. @Jay_D> Surely you jest about FFP being real, right? All Platini is doing is making billionaries pay measly fines, so he and his cronies can get rich. If a fool can pay 50 mil for David Luiz, he will happily pay some fine to UEFA. FFP has failed as for it to succeed UEFA had to take it...

Toure: I am staying with City


uess we can expect Toure's explanation of his behaviour around the same time Pete Townshend publishes his book then.

Toure: I am staying with City


amn you Yaya, don't scare me like that! I only ate the icing. I didn't eat the soft and scrumptious middle - I will buy you another cake!

Toure: I am staying with City

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