Jason Cundy loses his cool over vanishing spray, and the Daily Mirror clutch at straws over Gerrard's quotes on Arsenal and Suarez...
So much for Sam Allardyce's olive branch, Paul Scholes tries to make amends, and marking Lionel Messi really isn't that difficult...
Spot The Exclusive #1
'EXCLUSIVE: I am staying!' screams the headline on the back of Daily Mail this morning. It's a headline replicated on their website, followed up with 'Suarez commits future to Liverpool as star striker enrols daughter at school on Merseyside.'
Now, Mediawatch invites you to play a game of 'Spot The Exclusive'. The Mail's website uses five Liverpool-related bullet points below the headline to beef up their story, but we're left scratching our heads, particularly as there are no quotes from Liverpool, Real Madrid, the player or even any unidentified 'source'.
'Real Madrid is reportedly ready to make a £100m offer for Suarez' - reported as an 'exclusive' by the Daily Star on Sunday.
'The Uruguay striker signed a new long-term deal at Anfield in December' - already known by everybody.
'Suarez and his wife have enrolled their daughter at a new school' - reported by the Daily Mirror and Daily Express on May 18th.
'Brendan Rodgers has signed a new long-term contract with the club' - already known by everybody.
'The manager is now contracted to stay at the club until 2018' - already known by everybody.
The nagging suspicion is that it is Suarez's daughter's enrolment in a local school that is the 'exclusive' here, given 'Sportsmail understands that' such an action has taken place. Presumably by reading the Mirror or Express?
The only remaining option is the 'Anfield insiders' believing that Suarez has told team-mates that he will stay. If that's the case, those 'insiders' have also being talking to the Daily Express, who run the same story.
Spot The Exclusive #2
Readers of The Sun will be excited to learn that they can read an 'exclusive' interview with Manchester United striker Robin van Persie in which he gives his thoughts on Louis van Gaal. Interesting stuff.
However, the 'exclusive' nature of the interview is rather dampened when it appears that the MailOnline and ESPN are running with exactly the same quotes.
So, either Van Persie remembered the exact words he used and repeated them each time, or The Sun have just translated Van Persie's interview with Sp!ts News, a Dutch news agency. We're not sure what to think.
ESPN at least have the decency to credit Sp!ts in their copy. The Sun, with their 'exclusive' heads on, unsurprisingly do not.
Pay The Penalty
The Sun this morning concoct a bizarre story about Joe Hart, Mario Balotelli and penalties.
'Joe's on the spot for Balo' is the headline on a piece regarding Joe Hart 'laughing off' Mario Balotelli's claim that he had retired from taking penalties.
The premise of the piece centres around a tweet that Balotelli sent in October after missing a penalty against Genoa. 'This is the End,' it read.
However, given that Balotelli took and scored penalties in Serie A against Verona in January and Parma in March, we think it's fair to say that that one throwaway tweet may not have been entirely gospel anyway.
Mediawatch had to laugh at Danny Welbeck's claim that he hoped to impress new Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal during the World Cup.
"I'm pretty sure he will be watching. In the World Cup I want to make sure I show my quality," Welbeck said.
Yes, we're "pretty sure" he will be watching too, Danny, given that he's managing one of the sides taking part.
One of the problems with the new age of online journalism is the tendency to publish articles about the most meaningless stories in order to try and hoover up some delicious clicks. Mmmm, clicks.
The Daily Mail website is evidently one of the worst offenders, but on Monday Bleacher Report UK were guilty of perhaps the worst example Mediawatch has ever had the displeasure to read.
'Jordi Alba shows up to Spain training wearing fierce shirt' is the headline. Because Alba's T-shirt has a picture of a leopard on it, you see.
This is the whole story, repeated verbatim: 'Jordi Alba and his Spain team-mates showed up to training in Madrid on Monday, and left-back Alba was seen wearing either an incredibly odd or incredibly awesome shirt.
'Alba and Spain will be looking to defend their World Cup, and if their efforts are as brash as Alba's jaguar shirt, they'll be just fine.'
Can we stop this unmitigated bulls**t once and for all, please? It was a leopard.
Snub It Out
The Sun report that Rotherham manager Steve Evans, newly-promoted to the Championship, will sign a new contract, and in doing so will 'snub his boyhood club Celtic'.
The use of the word 'snub' hints that Celtic are making overtures in Evans' direction. Given that Oddschecker.com lists 73 managers that are currently being given prices by bookmakers to get the job and that Evans is not among that list (and never has been), we'd say that his 'snub' is probably verging on unnecessary.
Apropos of nothing, Mediawatch would like to publicly snub a purely sexual relationship with Olivia Wilde.
Ballsy Statement Of The Day
'QPR's last-gasp winner, an instinctive shot by Bobby Zamora, epitomised football's appeal.' - A club with Financial Fair Play sanctions, vast over-spending beyond the club's means and a seeming commitment to purchasing overpaid and under-motivated stars over-coming a side using young, domestic players that cost £2.2million to assemble.
Yes, Mick Dennis in the Daily Express really has hit the nail on the head of football romance.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Southgate Al At Sea' - Because a player called Alisson scored against England U20's. Oh dear, The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A 32-year-old man underwent surgery in Shenzhen after he'd inserted an earphone wire into his urethra and it got stuck inside his body.
'The patient, surnamed Luo, showed up at the Shenzhen Shuguang Hospital seeking medical treatment for a urinary tract infection, but initially failed to tell doctors about the headphone cable that he'd inserted up in there himself as a "home remedy".
'Xu Chang, vice-head of the hospital, said that Luo had suffered from numerous urinary tract infections. Apparently, the man performed this makeshift procedure on himself several times after a friend recommended the idea to him. On the last occasion, however, something went terribly awry' - Malaysia Chronicle
Thanks to nobody. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.