Martin Samuel has a (foolproof) system to give Arsenal a tougher draw, whilst Roy Hodgson is now the same person as Adrian Durham...
Successful manager Martin Keown has some wise words for Louis van Gaal. The Dutchman is comparing unfavourably to Brendan Rodgers on 'clarity of vision'...
Getting Jiggy With It
Tottenham fans may well remember The Sun's professional Cockernee Paul Jiggins for his 'Spurs in turmoil' article of September 2012 - published on the day that crisis club Tottenham would win at Old Trafford, back when winning at Old Trafford was an achievement.
Jiggins detailed a 'mutiny' in which 'UNHAPPY Tottenham stars held showdown talks with Andre Villas-Boas over his training and tactics' while also revealing that 'boss AVB also had a bust-up with technical co-ordinator Tim Sherwood, who is allegedly angry at being frozen out'. Mediawatch is still giggling almost two years later at that 'allegedly'.
Now Jiggins is back again to make it very clear where he stands on the appointment of Mauricio Pochettino (or 'Argie Poch') by decrying the notion that Daniel Levy is 'trying to turn Spurs into Southampton'.
'It perhaps shows how far Spurs have fallen by hailing a boss who has spent just 18 months in the Premier League as the Second Coming...a traditional big club like Tottenham following a relative minnow just doesn't feel right...especially when that minnow finished eighth in the table last season, some two places and 13 points below sixth-placed Spurs,' writes Jiggins, who 'cannot help but wonder what Tim Sherwood must think of his successor'. Don't 'wonder', Paul, just give him a bell. We're pretty sure he'll be 'allegedly angry'.
Unfortunately, history does not record what Jiggins made of Liverpool's disastrous decision to appoint Brendan Rodgers - a man with just 12 months' Premier League experience - from a relative minnow who had just finished three places and five points behind Liverpool.
Big, Bigger, Biggest
Tottenham fans wil definitely remember the Daily Mail's Neil Ashton and his altercation with Andre Vilas-Boas and subsequent backing of Tim Sherwood ('To fund their ambitious project, Joe Lewis, the club's principle owner, is relying on the riches from regular Champions League football. All they need is a manager to guide them there. Step forward, Tim Sherwood.').
Ashton's revenge for the entirely justified criticism he has attracted from Tottenham fans over the last two years is to belittle them as a club. Mature, we think you'll agree.
'Although they have some history on their side, they are only the 10th-best supported team in the Barclays Premier League,' writes Ashton. 'Tottenham are a big club, just not as big as United and Arsenal, and certainly no bigger than Newcastle, City, Liverpool, Chelsea, Sunderland, Everton and Aston Villa.
'All of them had bigger average attendances than Spurs in the Barclays Premier League.'
Yes Neil, because all of them have bigger stadiums. As you very well know. You probably also know that Sunderland, Everton and Aston Villa all recorded attendances lower than Tottenham's lowest Premier League crowd of 34,410 last season. You may also know that Tottenham's total attendance for the season was only 5,000 below Villa's despite Villa Park having a capacity 6,000 greater than White Hart Lane. You know all this but you're reserving your right - as a national newspaper journalist of some repute - to prioritise pettiness over precision.
You know you're in that hinterland between the Premier League and the World Cup when The Sun have a story on their back page claiming that 'CRISTIANO RONALDO is a marvel in the medical world as well as on the football pitch'.
Really? Does he have two penii? A revolving Adam's apple? Let's read on...
'A new book 'CR7' reveals the Real Madrid star has an extra bone in his ankle that is found in less than 10 per cent of the population.'
Which makes him only marginally more of a medical marvel than people who are left-handed.
Thanks. For. That.
A fine coup for The Sun, who have somehow persuaded Jack Wilshere to 'back The Sun's DoUsProud campaign'. Apparently he's told fans that 'tweets can make the Lions roar'.
Which doesn't sound like something Wilshere - or indeed anybody human - would say, but we're happy to be proved wrong.
What Wilshere actually said: "We've got Twitter these days so if we can get some support on that too, that would be great."
Yep, he's definitely 'backed The Sun's campaign' with that emotional call to arms.
There's a very good reason why Mark Douglas is the chief sports writer of the Newcastle Journal. And that very good reason is this sort of insight:
'Jones signing looks like a replacement for Bardsley to me. #safc have moved quickly on that front.'
And there was Mediawatch thinking that right-back Billy Jones had been signed to provide competition for Vito Mannone. Silly Mediawatch.
Rumour Of The Day
'A twisted troll has last night threatening to post naked photographs of England's World Cup football stars just 15 days before the big kick-off in Brazil' - The Daily Star's front page. The best thing about this story? It was written by the Star's Chief Crime Correspondent.
Headline Of The Day
'Pardew is Remy smartin'' - The Sun.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Cech feeling much Petr' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A Norwegian artist cooked and ate his own hip on a whim - and claimed it tasted of "wild sheep". Alexander Selvik Wengshoel, 25, said he served the hip bone with potato gratin and a glass of wine. The conceptual artist made the revelation at the opening of his graduation show from the Tromso Academy of Art, reports the New York Daily News.
'Mr Wengshoel was born with a deformed hip and spent years in a wheelchair or on crutches. His hip bone was eventually removed by doctors when he was given a metal hip replacement. The bone has now gone on display as part of an exhibition along with the video of the operation.
'Mr Wengshoel told The Local: "I just wanted to use it in my art. I didn't know at that time that I would boil it and eat it. I had to boil off the meat to get to the bone and when I started scraping off the meat, I took a little piece and thought 'why not do it?' It's not every day I will have a piece of human flesh which is mine and which it is possible to eat. So I had a little taste and then I thought that's really nice."' - Orange.
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