Jason Cundy loses his cool over vanishing spray, and the Daily Mirror clutch at straws over Gerrard's quotes on Arsenal and Suarez...
So much for Sam Allardyce's olive branch, Paul Scholes tries to make amends, and marking Lionel Messi really isn't that difficult...
Mediawatch doesn't know where to begin with Mark Ogden's article in The Daily Telegraph which claims that David Moyes 'should really be the only candidate' for the Southampton vacancy.
Perhaps we should look at the straw man argument that 'David Moyes barely merits a mention' in the running for the job when two of the eight favourites Ogden lists have longer odds than the sacked Manchester United manager; or we could question the use of the word 'bold' when used to describe Moyes' potential appointment; or we might just sit here and scratch our heads at Ogden's one-man crusade to restore Moyes' reputation that began with a puff piece in April about the then-United manager modernising the club's scouting department.
That ultra-modern scouting department must have been crucial in unearthing the previously undiscovered talents of Marouane Fellaini and Juan Mata.
'The positives outweigh the negatives,' writes Ogden of Moyes' candidacy for the Saints role. 'But pride, stubbornness and fear are likely to ensure that Moyes and Southampton will not happen. The fear will be on Southampton's part, with the worry that their supporters would reject a United 'failure' and forget about his contribution at Everton. As for pride and stubbornness, Moyes may believe that he can land a bigger and better job than Southampton with Manchester United now on his CV, regardless of the way it all ended.'
It wasn't really 'the way it all ended' that was the problem, though, rather the 11 months of abject failure - yes, that's failure without the quotation marks - that saw Moyes sacked less than a year into his six-year contract.
According to Ogden: 'At Southampton, he would be working to his strengths - finding and polishing rough diamonds and giving youth a chance. Phil Jagielka, Leighton Baines, Joleon Lescott, Tim Cahill and Seamus Coleman have all taken their careers onto a new level having been plucked from lesser clubs and given a chance by Moyes at Everton. And the likes of Wayne Rooney, Ross Barkley and Jack Rodwell are evidence of Moyes's readiness to trust in young players.'
Wow. That's a whole five rough diamonds Moyes polished in 11 years at Everton - two of which already had Premier League experience and two of whom were among the best players in the Championship. Again, just where does he find these unknowns? Thank God for those high-tech iPads in the bunker.
As for Ogden's claim that Moyes has shown a readiness to trust in youngsters, Mediawatch would suggest that if you can only think of three names from an 11-year reign, then that line probably isn't worthy of inclusion. And given that Barkley made only four Premier League starts under Moyes, who loaned him out to Leeds and Sheffield Wednesday in 2012/13, it seems incongruous to mention him among the kids he gave a chance at Everton.
There is certainly a case for Moyes bringing the stability Southampton desire - which Ogden addresses - but the suggestion that Saints should be delighted to have him on board is hugely patronising to a club that finished only eight points behind United last season.
Headline in the Daily Mirror: 'Real: Yes, we're out to sign Aguero.'
Actual quotes from Real Madrid president Florentino Perez: "We are not thinking about a move for Aguero - at the moment. There is no real urgency to sign new players."
'Mauricio Pochettino will be high maintenance at Tottenham...but will Spurs finally break the sulky Argentine?' asks the MailOnline's headline. In the traditional three bullet points that follow for those who (perhaps understandably) can't be bothered to read the full article, the Mail reiterates that 'those who worked with Pochettino claim he is high maintenance, and Spurs have made a gamble'.
So, what is it about Pochettino that makes him so high maintenance? Does he ask for a bowl of blue M&Ms to be delivered to his desk every day? Did all the Saints staff have to call him 'Señor'? Did he demand a personal hairdresser follow him around to tend to his bushy coiffure?
'He sulks if results go against him and was spending less time on the training field towards the end of last season,' writes Neil Ashton.
What a diva. You never saw brave Englishman Tim Sherwood sulking if his team suffered a bad result.
The Sun's man in the know, Paul Jiggins, has another back page 'EXCLUSIVE' on Thursday, which claims a 'shock promise' from Spurs to 'Argie Poch'.
'Mauricio Pochettino will NOT be sacked if Spurs fail to earn a Champions League spot next season,' writes Jiggins.
What on earth gave him that idea? Could it be the exclusive knowledge of Pochettino's five-year contract? Or perhaps it was the exclusive knowledge that Andre Villas-Boas survived his first year at the club despite missing out on the top four.
Headline on the MailOnline on Wednesday afternoon: 'Has Van Gaal made first major signing? United trigger £24m release clause for Miranda, as reports in Spain say Atletico defender has agreed four-year deal and is looking at schools.'
Tweet from Ian Ladyman, the Mail's Northern Football Correspondent: 'The #MUFC Miranda link would appear to be a load of old guff. Another one for the cutting room floor.'
Who cares about accuracy when you can hoover up hits before checking the story's validity?
Speaking of transfer guff, the Daily Star run a curious line on Thursday that claims Alvaro Morata is keen on a switch to Manchester United after deciding to leave Real Madrid in pursuit of first-team football.
That sounds like a great plan, Alvaro. Perhaps you should give Javier Hernandez a quick call first though, eh?
Said Brendan Rodgers about the work of Liverpool's transfer committee: "In modern football, you need to trust other people to do the work. That's something we do here and that's why we have had the success we've had."
Hmmm. What success is this, Brendan? Out of 12 permanent signings and three loans, Mediawatch would say two have proved successful with the rest falling under varying degrees of 'meh'.
Headline in the Daily Mirror: 'MAGNIFICENT SEVEN...Jack glad to get same shirt number as Lions legends Becks and Robbo.'
Intro: 'Jack Wilshere wants to become England's seventh wonder in Brazil - and turn his boyhood dreams into reality. The Arsenal tyro can recall Bryan Robson and "hero" David Beckham wearing the iconic shirt he was handed by Roy Hodgson last week.'
Headline in The Sun: 'Magnificent Sevens.'
Intro: 'Jack Wilshere is dreaming of becoming an England super seven. The Arsenal star has revealed his delight that he is set to follow Bryan Robson and David Beckham by wearing the No 7 shirt at a World Cup.'
How Mediawatch loves the interlull between the end of the season and the World Cup.
Hee-larious Intro Of The Day
Writes Mike Walters in the Daily Mirror: 'David Dimbleby had better wear shinpads when he presents Question Time tonight - because Joey Barton is on the panel.'
Ha ha ha ha, heh heh heh...shinpads...ho ho ho, har har har har.
Headline Of The Day
'It's Not Korea Threatening' - the Daily Mail.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'USA Are Down In The Demps' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Those of you that spend your precious post-work hours in bed watching Game Of Thrones, give yourself a pat on the back, because it's you lucky chaps that are getting more sex.
'According to a new survey, couples who have a television set in their bedroom have sex twice a week, compared to those who don't, who only engage in love-making once a week.
'Well, it's hard to have spontaneous sex while you're sitting in separate armchairs, balancing a cup of tea and some HobNobs isn't it?
'The results, from VoucherCodesPro, also showed that out of the 2,431 people surveyed, 37 per cent believed they had more sex because they could watch more porn, while 32% said it meant they could have more sex without missing their favourite programmes.
'We're taking that as a full admission to watching EastEnders while in the act then' - The Metro.
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