Brendan Rodgers is the best thing since sliced bread, says Brendan Rodgers. We really are getting tired of his nonsense...
Steven Gerrard would never swap shirts - he's English! Phil Thompson must be confused right now, a woman takes a very long breath and Roy Hodgson on gay folk...
On the day that Rickie Lambert will face Ecuador in Miami as he prepares for the World Cup in Brazil as a Liverpool player, we give you this tweet from the Daily Mail's Matt Lawton in August when Lambert was first called up by Roy Hodgson:
'Nice to see players like Lambert given a chance but puzzled all the same. Will he be in Brazil next summer? Will he ****. So the point is?'
We've been saving that.
Writes Steven Howard in The Sun: 'FOR 13 long years Chelsea and Frank Lampard have been inseparable. Like Rodgers and Hammerstein, Cain and Abel, Marks and Spencer, one didn't operate without the other.'
Except when one killed the other.
And So It Begins
Roy Hodgson is variously described as 'tetchy' (The Daily Mail), 'crotchety' (The Daily Express) and 'bristling' (The Daily Mirror) after 'repeated questions' (The Daily Mirror) about whether Wayne Rooney is "exceptional".
Tetchy? Crotchety? Mediawatch would go full postal in the circumstances.
History Repeating Itself
Hindsight is of course 20:20 (perfect vision, not the 1980s drink) and history has been re-written slightly by Martin Lipton in the Daily Mirror, desperately searching for a World Cup decision comparable to the 'inconceivable' - despite it being discussed at length this week - prospect of Wayne Rooney not facing Italy.
Lipton writes dramatically: 'A team that could run out in Manaus without England's talisman. A player told, in no uncertain terms, he is on the brink. The possibility of the biggest World Cup selection call since David Beckham was left out of the 1998 opener by Glenn Hoddle.'
Hmmmm. We'll stop your hyperbole there, Martin. Beckham would go on to amass 115 caps but as France 98 began, he had appeared just 15 times for England, including just 100 minutes in three uninspiring warm-up games. There was the raising of only half an eyebrow when Darren Anderton was chosen in his stead to face Tunisia.
If you want a big World Cup selection call, try Fabio Capello's ridiculous dithering over his goalkeeper at 2010, resulting in Robert Green - the worst of all three possible options - getting the nod. Now that was big. But it's just not Beckham, is it?
Glenn Hoddle - the man who made that contentious call in 1998 - has been writing in the Evening Standard: 'I picked out Daniel Sturridge as England's potential surprise package in my column on the day of the Peru game, so I'd like to thank him for proving my prediction might have some legs by hitting his superb goal.'
This is the same Daniel Sturridge who had scored three goals in the preceding six England games, and was the highest-scoring Englishman in the Premier League this season with 22 goals for Liverpool.
So, of course, it was a massive 'surprise' to the entire nation that he was able to put one past Peru in a Wembley friendly. One can only gaze upon Hoddle's footballing mind with sheer wonderment.
Put this man in charge of football everywhere.
After helpfully circling Leighton Baines' guitar in a picture accompanying a story that reported that Leighton Baines has a guitar, MailOnline continue their helpful ways with a massive image of bottles of both tomato and brown sauce as they report that 'England manager Roy Hodgson puts ketchup and brown sauce back on the World Cup menu'. What would we do without them? Apart from laugh and smile and enjoy life again, that is.
According to The Sun, 'GARETH BARRY will land a £9million jackpot by joining Everton on a permanent basis.'
Alternatively, Everton will pay Barry £60,000 a week in wages over three years. Doesn't sound quite so sexy now, does it?
Less than a month before David Moyes was sacked by Manchester United, his greatest cheerleader was still in denial - "I'm absolutely certain that we picked the right man" - so excuse us if we take anything Sir Bobby Charlton says with a pinch of red salt. Especially when it comes to Manchester United and Manchester United players.
"Wayne will have to play," said Charlton this week. "He is the only one that comes to mind when you think of our class players. There is a bit of doubt in my mind about every position apart from Wayne Rooney."
So Manchester United legend doubts every England position barring the one currently occupied by a Manchester United player. Astonishing.
Left Of Centre
Tweet from MailOnline: 'Today is Lukas Podolski's birthday. Is he the best left footed striker in the Premier League?'
Nope. Behind Daniel Sturridge, Robin van Persie, Romelu Lukaku, Alvaro Negredo and Olivier Giroud, he's possibly the sixth. Maybe. If we're being generous.
Headline Of The Day
'Daniel, you're a star' - The Daily Express. Altogether now...
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Go on-Lion, Roy' - The Sun urge Roy Hodgson to get on the internet. It really is as awful as it sounds.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'He wanted to cook food. She wanted him to stay away from kitchen. What happened next between Jitendra Patel, 30, and his wife, Uma Patel, 27, in Satna district of Madhya Pradesh is a below-the-belt domestic spat. The couple, who got married in 2010 after a courtship of two years, classifies the ensuing scuffle as the culmination of a series of 'stressful events'.
'The incident took place at district's Pagra village on May 4, but came to light on Monday after Jitendra reached district hospital complaining about swelling and pus formation in his genitals. When Jitendra and Uma started to argue on May 4, their children tried to separate the two, and they together went to hold her down, that's when she allegedly bit his penis.
'On May 5, Jitendra asked Uma to get him breakfast. When Uma posed a deaf ear, Jitendra went inside the kitchen and started cooking, said police. Uma got violent after this and began to attack her husband with whatever she got in hand. During the scuffle Jitendra's towel fell off down exposing his vital parts. She allegedly grabbed his testicles and bit off his genitals. He somehow managed to escape and reported the matter to police. Jitendra, however, refused to undergo a medical examination done fearing public humiliation. His wife was booked and released on bail. After a counselling session by police, they agreed to stay together.
'But when his genitals got infected, he discussed the matter with one of his close friend who advised him some traditional cure with local herbs. Things worsened after his genital swelled with pus formation. One of the elderly villagers whom he contacted triggered a panic button claiming "women have venomous teeth". "Better you consult a doctor before venom spreads across your body," police said quoting Jitendra's complaint. It was after this that he went to see doctor. He was hospitalized immediately after the examination and his surgery was scheduled on Tuesday. Police officers are likely to add more charges like 'attempt to murder' against Jitendra's wife' - The Times Of India.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Mihir Patwardhan and Nik Roseveare. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.