Brendan Rodgers is the best thing since sliced bread, says Brendan Rodgers. We really are getting tired of his nonsense...
Steven Gerrard would never swap shirts - he's English! Phil Thompson must be confused right now, a woman takes a very long breath and Roy Hodgson on gay folk...
Black Hole Sun
We're not sure what is amusing us most about The Sun's poorly cut video of their team of football writers (and 'star columnist' Andros Townsend) kicking, heading and dribbling a football around an office.
a) Chelsea fanboy Rob Beasley appearing to be carrying a glass of champagne.
b) The obvious discomfort of the lesser evil of the Custii brothers.
c) The fact that it had attracted just 141 views at the time of writing Mediawatch; and we watched it three times to work out if that really was a glass of champagne.
Hanging On A String
Never mind the fact that he missed two sitters, The Sun's Ian Wright is keen to credit Daniel Sturridge with keeping his cool in the face of provocation against Honduras.
'If you're laying on the ground and someone tries a nasty trick like that,' 'writes' Wright of the ball aimed at Sturridge's stomach, 'many would have got straight up and banjoed Izaguirre.'
Mediawatch was unfamiliar with 'banjo' being used as a verb until we consulted Urban Dictionary...
'Banjo: A blowjob under the table at a Nando's restaurant.'
It would certainly have been an unusual reaction.
Don't Mention The Thought Police
Monday's non-story of the not-so-secret 'secret' guidelines for England players about their media duties has inevitably been followed by Tuesday's ridiculously hyperbolic column in the Daily Mirror from Dave Kidd, the man who will apparently 'make you think'.
His massive overreaction to the concept of a standard media briefing - 'Is is as if some FA bigwigs believe a major breach of security will occur should an England player mention Andrea Pirlo or that the ravens will leave the Tower of London if Mario Balotelli gets a name-check' - made us think that he should have checked with the Daily Mirror desk that they weren't running a whole barrel-load of quotes from Gary Cahill about Luis Suarez and, erm, Mario Balotelli, just over the page.
The 'FA's thought police' must have been enjoying a day off.
Roy Hodgson has been working with this England squad on and off the training pitch for weeks, months and - in some cases - even years, but the Daily Mail's Neil Ashton has now watched one training session so he knows exactly what the England manager should do. And he's not suggesting, he's instructing.
On Raheem Sterling he writes: 'Those who have watched him train or play, either in Miami last week or here at the Urca military base yesterday, walk away with the same verdict. He is special.
'There is room for him at No 10 in this England team if Wayne Rooney moves out to the left and James Milner plays on the right against Italy. Danny Welbeck - reliable yet unremarkable - would be sacrificed.
'Rooney, whose finishing was of the highest order in training yesterday, provides experience and Milner adds security on the right in place of Adam Lallana. Roy Hodgson has to make this happen.'
We all have our opinions, but 'Roy Hodgson has to make this happen'? Really? Or what? A Chinese burn?
Neil Ashton in the Daily Mail: 'It is too soon to be talking of Sterling and Ross Barkley starting in the same team at the World Cup. That can come later.'
Adrian Durham on MailOnline (ten hours later): 'The England fans all know Sterling and Barkley should be in the team, and I suspect the England players know it too.'
I Should Be So Lucky
Fabio Capello's silverware as a manager:
Serie A (5): 1991-92, 1992-93, 1993-94, 1995-96, 2000-01
Supercoppa Italiana (3): 1992, 1993, 1994, 2001
UEFA Champions League (1): 1993-94
European Super Cup (1): 1994
La Liga (2): 1996-97, 2006-07
Yet according to Adrian Durham, he is 'lucky to get a chance to show he can do it with Russia at this World Cup'. So speaks a man very bloody lucky indeed to have a radio show and a column.
Laboured Intro Of The Day
From The Guardian's never knowingly under-earnest Daniel Taylor:
'On one side it is all ocean, backed up by Guanabara Bay. On the other it is Sugarloaf Mountain. Think back to that scene in Moonraker when Jaws uses his teeth to cut the wires of James Bond's cable car. England's training ground is directly below, at the Urca military training base, and it is here they are preparing to face another super-villain who is known for his bite. Though Luis Suárez, strictly speaking, is next week's problem.'
We think he means it's a nice view.
Let's Get Pivotal
In the first of 427 pieces you will read (or, if you're sensible, ignore) this week that compare Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, the BBC Sport website are not afraid of twisting the truth to feel the narrative.
'Messi has three winner's medals from European club football's greatest competition, Ronaldo one each from two clubs. In each triumph, each man played a pivotal role; both have scored key goals in two separate finals,' writes Tom Fordyce.
This troubled Mediawatch because we thought we watched Ronaldo produce a non-performance, a semi-dive and a penalty to make it 4-1 against Atletico in the Champions League final last month - none of which could be described as 'pivotal'.
Which is probably why the BBC's Phil McNulty man in Lisbon awarded him a 5/10 and noted his 'disappointing personal performance'.
Worry Of The Day
From Dave Kidd in the Daily Mirror: 'ONE of the problems with a nation having a footballing 'golden generation' is the tendency towards black-and-wite arthouse homoerotic photography.'
It's the dark side of football,alright.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'ROSS: TIME TO DO THE REAL BUS-INESS' - The Daily Star on Ross Barkley, who 'nearly missed the bus' on Monday. It was quite the scare.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'One man was left red-faced after getting a ring stuck around his penis - ouch! The anonymous 83-year-old struggled for 20 hours to remove the metal piece himself but when his private parts swelled up and turned purple, he eventually admitted defeat and headed to a hospital in his home town of Hebi, China. Too embarrassed to tell his family, the man explained that he had put the ring on purely out of curiosity.
'Unfortunately, doctors were unable to remove the ring and had to call in firefighters to help out. Two hours and an array of tools later, they managed to carefully cut off the ring. One doctor admitted that it was a tricky case, saying: "The stuck position is very sensitive, and we can't use normal saws or tools. We never had such an incident before." Never mind the cat, curiosity definitely got the man this time' - Reveal.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Gavinder Pawar, Tom Hammett and Stuart Evans. If you spot anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.