Martin Samuel spoils the buzz at Southampton, and Mark Lawrenson delivers a couple of classic lines...
Mediawatch was a little preoccupied with Robbie Savage's musings. Plus, how Man United signed Falcao and Angel Di Maria...
Know Your Audience
Uses of the word 'Ronaldo' on the football homepage of MailOnline at 10am on Tuesday: 29.
A New Low
Yes, we know that we keep claiming a new low - and it almost invariably involves MailOnline - but this really is the most rotten thing we have ever seen on a major football website. Until tomorrow.
The story: Steven Gerrard is walking along and steps over a water bottle.
The photographs: 11, including four of Gerrard 1) walking, 2) spotting said water bottle, 3) raising his foot and 4) successfuly stepping over said bottle. There are also five photographs of Gary Lewin because, well, we'll bring you the opening paragraph and it will all make sense...
'There were gasps of relief in Rio de Janeiro as Steven Gerrard narrowly avoided a fate similar to Gary Lewin, the England team physiotherapist who's returned home with a dislocated ankle.'
Gasps of relief in Rio; tears of despair in Leeds.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Mediawatch's pet name for him is Mr Grumpypants and we suspect we have found an ally in the war against Steven Howard's bottom lip: His Sun colleague Ian Wright.
Howard's piece on Monday - headlined 'Hodgson can't afford any more mistakes' - suggested that Hodgson had got it wrong against Italy by a) not taking Ashley Cole to the World Cup and b) leaving Raheem Sterling on the pitch for too long. You may sense - like Mediawatch - that he had started grasping at straws after a).
Fast-forward one day to Wright's column - a belting read if your name is Steven Howard (or Mr Grumpypants): 'If one thing made me laugh above all else, it's the suggestion Roy Hodgson got it wrong against Italy. What a load of you-know-what...to suggest it's time to start questioning the manager - as some are doing - is absolute rubbish. What's wrong with these people who always need to find a negative?'
Steven Howard: So ridiculously miserable he's made us side with Ian Wright.
The Sun's back page: 'WAYNE ROONEY has trained with England's RESERVES.'
The Daily Mirror's back page: 'WAYNE ROONEY trained with England's reserves yesterday as he battled to save his World Cup.'
The Daily Telegraph: 'Clearly desperate to show his best form in Brazil, Rooney decided not to join the gentle half-hour training session on Monday involving the team who started against Italy. Instead, the 28-year-old Manchester United forward took part in a far more intense workout at England's military training base in Urca, Rio, with the players who had been left out of the Manaus game.'
The Tweet That Sums Up The English Press
From the Daily Mirror's permanently nasal Darren Lewis: 'Well done @dkidd_SMirror for being among those brave enough to say that the emperor isn't wearing any clothes.'
So, so brave. Because nobody else has ever spotted that Wayne Rooney is 'not England's best striker'. Give that man a medal.
Forget 2014, it's 1978 in the Daily Mirror online offices, where armies of poorly paid young men are kept away from sunlight and humans with female genitals.
The photo gallery of sexy female fans is regressive enough but this is the tagline: 'The tournament has lived up to everyone's expectations so far and judging these beauties, the female fans are up to some relatively high standards too.'
'Up to some relatively high standards?'
Apparently it's Crufts.
Tango And Mash
Mediawatch was amused to read Oliver Holt in the Daily Mirror on Daniel Sturridge and his mother's call to arms, largely because we're always amused by a middle-aged white man attempting to get down with da kids.
'"Mash it up, son," she said.
'Well, Sturridge mashed it up in the heat of Manaus and he mashed it up again yesterday in the air-conditioned cool of a room at England's training ground.'
Mediawatch wonders whether Holt stopped to look up the meaning of the phrase 'mash it up' before he went down this particular path. Or should we say 'street'?
According to the Urban Dictionary - the second link on Google after a YouTube link to Kat Dahlia's seminal 'Mash It Up' ('We come inna di dance and we mash it up') - 'mash it up' is 'a violent jamaican term, used to describe the insertion of a penis into a vagina'.
Holt goes on to tell us that Sturridge mashed it up so well in his press conference that 'one journalist stood up and applauded'. Awkward.
A Call To Arms
Some recognise it as 'Ride The Wave'; children of the 80s call it bodypopping; to Matt Law of the Daily Telegraph, Daniel Sturridge does an 'arms-outstretched goal celebration' or an 'arm-moving celebration'.
Anybody else now want to see an arm-not-moving celebration?
Pass The German
The Daily Mail's BIG MATCH ANALYSIS of the Germany v Portugal clash tells us that Germany are 'pass masters', detailing that only Thomas Muller completed less than 80% of his passes and 'Toni Kroos topped the bill with an impressive 96.2%'.
Which sounds quite fancy until you realise that Italy, France, England, Argentina and the Ivory Coast all recorded higher pass completion rates than Germany in their opening games and that Kroos' 'impressive' statistics were beaten by such luminaries of the game as Nigeria's Efe Ambrose, Japan's Masato Morishige, Bosnia-Herzegovina's Muhamed Besic and England's Phil Jagielka.
Doesn't sound quite so, erm, masterful now, does it?
Headlines Of The Day
'My Eden project is still work in progress' - The Sun.
'Shambling space cadet leaves half-fit Ronaldo in shade of a hat-trick' - The Guardian.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Sorry Wayne, I want you to be a ROOSERVE' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'The only thing stranger than products on crowdfunding sites is the fact they sometimes reach their investment targets. Take the Autoblow 2 for example, an innovative sex toy that uses a motor to give the more discerning gentleman hands free stimulation. This means he can now punctuate World of Warcraft sessions, 4Chan and crushing loneliness with a 'surprisingly good' substitute for oral sex.
'The fellatio-bot got a lot of press about a month ago, after it was posted on crowdfunding site Indiegogo by a company known as Letsgasm! In the time since it has not only reached its investment target of $45,000, but has received another $235,247 on top of that. Unlike the more traditional Fleshlight, the Autoblow 2 works electronically. The user inserts himself into the contraption, plugs it in, and sits back to let the device's motor do the work' - Metro.
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Caislin Boyle. If you see anything that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.>