How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
Luis Suarez on Sky Sports News, May 16: "I signed the contract because I love it here and I'm so happy here. If you're not happy here you don't sign any contract.
"Liverpool's team for me is one of the best in the world because nobody here in the dressing room thinks I am better than another and the people here inside Melwood work very well.
"I love it here and this mentality I like because maybe in some other dressing rooms I am bigger than you and another bigger, it's difficult for the team-mates to play together on the pitch in something like that."
Well he definitely won't face that particular problem at
Lionel Messi FC Barcelona.
Like any other Liverpool fan, The Daily Mirror's Brian Reade ('At the heart of
Liverpool football') has conflicting emotions about the exit of Luis Suarez. Unlike other Liverpool fans, he has a column in a national newspaper in which to be conflicted.
Paragraph 14: 'In an ideal world, Suarez would come out and apologise to Liverpool for letting them down, again, and being banned, again, and vow to honour the five-year contract he signed at Christmas.'
Paragraph 17: 'As far as Liverpudlians are concerned, for the second summer running he's become the big brown floater that's closed down the hotel swimming pool.'
So in an ideal world you want the big, brown floater to stay, Brian? To be fair, that's probably pretty much what every Liverpool fan is thinking right now...
Standfirst on Brian Reade's column in the Daily Mirror: 'John Henry needs to step up again and ask what the Catalans are smoking if they try to knock £20m off the price of world's most sought-after striker, writes Brian Reade.'
Back page from David Anderson in the Daily Mirror: 'Luis Suarez is joining Barcelona after the Spanish giants agreed in principle to pay Liverpool a record fee for the striker. No precise sum was agreed when the clubs met in London for talks on Wednesday, but Barcelona have accepted they will have to stump up more than their opening £60million bid to sign Suarez.'
Brian Reade: Valiantly fighting a battle that's already been won.
Before the Daily Mail team of Ian Ladyman, Matt Barlow, Ian Ladyman and Rob Draper completed their guide to the quarter-final teams, they should perhaps have asked to see the statistics over the page in their World Cup pull-out.
'Oscar not imposing himself'? Despite being top of the tournament's tackle chart? Sounds pretty sodding imposing to us.
Slight Difference Of Opinion
Terry Venables tells The Sun that David Luiz 'is why I worry Brazil's designs on World Cup glory could end up on the cutting room floor'. A whole page of the newspaper is dedicated to Terry Venables' thoughts on Luiz, decorated with a rotten headline (see below) and a rotten mocked-up image of Luiz on a catwalk. Because he's a 'catwalk defender', you see.
Meanwhile, Zico puts 'lion' Luiz in his World Cup XI in The Guardian, noting: 'He is fearless and has kept his cool when many other players have shown signs of struggling with the expectations put on the team.'
The truth, Mediawatch suspects, lies somewhere between London and Rio.
Assumption Of The Day
From Antony Kastrinakis in The Sun: 'Like them or not (and most of you do not) Argentinians add an edge to the party.'
Note to Antony, everyone else at The Sun and all Sun readers: The Falklands War was 32 years ago.
What A Coincidence
How bizarre that Newcastle United offered an exclusive interview with new signing Siem de Jong to The Sun on the very same day this headline appeared on page 6 of the newspaper: 'Why we should love Mike Ashley.'
'SIEM DE JONG is out for revenge on Louis van Gaal - after being left out of the World Cup,' is the rather incendiary opening line in that piece in The Sun, who go on to say that De Jong was 'snubbed' by Van Gaal. Well you would want 'revenge' after being 'snubbed', wouldn't you?
But wait a minute, what's this in the actual quotes from De Jong?
"I was close to going to the World Cup. But I had a hamstriing injury at the end of the season, so Van Gaal said he wasn't going to take me. That was quite a big disappointment, though it was a realistic decision."
It's almost like he a) wasn't snubbed and b) isn't seeking revenge at all.
The Daily Nonsense
Headline on MailOnline: 'Joel Campbell startles Arsenal fans by posing with a Santos shirt at the World Cup.'
Fourth bullet point below said headline: 'Campbell was pictured posing with a Santos shirt...but was likely just getting into the spirit of things in Brazil.'
Thanks. For. That.
Rumour Of The Day
'PADDY KENNY has been axed by Leeds - as madcap owner hates the fact the keeper was born on May 17' - The Daily Star. But he's okay with him being massively overweight?
Headline Of The Day
'Bench Vormer' - The Sun.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'LUIZ-ER' - The Sun.
Non-Football-Ish Story Of The Day
'For those who may in fact fancy a nibble from disgraced Uruguay striker Luis Suarez, an online Swedish sex shop has come up with just the thing. The online store Oliver & Eva on Wednesday unveiled a "Suarez nipple clamp" in the form of the footballer's head, teeth bared, for 33 euros ($45).
'"Maybe (Suarez) will be proud to spread a bit of pleasure and love, despite his error on the field," store director Tobias Lundqvist said in a statement. The store was inspired after Suarez chomped down on Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini's shoulder during a June 24 World Cup match. According to the website, the pressure of the bite can be adjusted "depending on the mood".
'The toy is not the first by the store inspired by football. They have in the past sold sex toys in the colors of popular Swedish sports club Hammarby' - Sports Inquirer.
Thanks for nothing. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.