How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
Didn't Fancy You Anyway...
Let's begin with some glorious revisionism from the Daily Telegraph's man in Liverpool, Chris Bascombe, regarding Luis Suarez's impending departure from Anfield.
The headline states that 'Suarez will miss Liverpool as much as they will miss him', but you'll forgive Mediawatch for reserving judgment on that until the striker's 31 league goals have been matched by Rickie Lambert, Adam Lallana et al.
'With embittered predictability, there will be an argument Liverpool are better off without Luis Suarez,' Bascombe begins, which is rather odd considering he's about to do exactly that...
'Suarez won't find a team built around him at Barcelona,' he continues. 'Nor will he encounter a home crowd or manager tolerant of those movements where the nutmegs don't come off, he concedes possession frequently and the audacious 25 yard chip goes 30 yards over.'
That's right, screw the 31 goals, Liverpool sure won't miss those failed nutmegs and over-hit chips. They'll be glad to get rid, if anything.
'If he goes 18 months without noises being made about how he wishes he can come back, he'll have succeeded where Ian Rush, Michael Owen, Robbie Fowler and Torres failed. In all cases, no sooner had they gone they were pining for a return. The Kop goal makes (most) strikers seem a yard quicker and sharper.'
To be clear, there is very little evidence to suggest The Kop can make a player quicker. Indeed, in the cases of Robbie Keane, Andy Carroll, El Hadji Diouf and Sean 'quicker than Michael Owen' Dundee, it seemed to make them a lot sodding slower.
Baby If You've Got To Go Away
"If he gets an offer from a big team maybe, but the teams who've asked for McCormack are from the Championship. Why should I sell McCormack? We are not desperate to sell him so why should we? If I needed the money, I would tell you frankly - I need the money, I have to sell, I'm not ashamed. McCormack is a matter of principle, not money. He's a beautiful player and he's staying at Leeds" - Leeds owner Massimo Cellino, June 21.
'We would like to reiterate our desire to keep Ross McCormack at Leeds United. This desire includes keeping all of our best players as we look to build a stronger and successful squad for the 2014/15 Championship season. Leeds United may not be the richest club in the Championship, but we do not need to sell our best players in order to run the club successfully' - Leeds United official statement, July 3.
'We are delighted to announce the signing of Ross McCormack from Leeds United for an undisclosed fee' - Fulham official statement, July 8.
Presumably when claiming they wouldn't sell, Leeds and Cellino forgot to include the words "...unless we get a bats**t mental offer" as an afterthought.
Fight For The Right
'Fight Night' screams out the headline on the back of The Sun, with Steven Howard whipping himself up into a frenzy ahead of tonight's World Cup semi-final between Brazil and Germany.
'Germany are steeling themselves for a roughing up from Brazil tonight,' Howard begins. 'Brazil are officially the DIRTIEST country at the World Cup with most fouls and yellow cards. The beautiful game is being buried under an avalanche of Brazilian fouls.'
That's an interesting statistical claim from Howard. But of course, it ignores the fact that Costa Rica have received as many yellow cards as Brazil, and also picked up a red card, which surely makes them 'dirtier'?
It also ignores the pertinent detail that Brazil have played more matches than 24 of the 32 teams in the World Cup, thus skewing the figures more than slightly. Mediawatch would advise Howard to watch back Honduras' group games before reflecting on such a claim.
Out For The Kuyt
Ian Ladyman writes a glowing tribute to the longevity of Dirk Kuyt in the Daily Mail, but Mediawatch can't help but feel that he is pushing the returning hero angle a little too far.
'Some athletes just refuse to heed the warning signs,' Ladyman begins. 'To take notice of the directions on the road. Some athletes just take what they can and keep moving forwards.'
'Kuyt nevertheless spent so long on 98 caps that even he may have wondered if his juice had finally run out. Prior to this World Cup, the 33-year-old had not played for his country since last year.'
No, but that does rather give the impression that Kuyt was left out in the cold somewhat, which is untrue. In fact, Kuyt has been named in the matchday squad in every one of Netherlands' matches this year, and also played a part in each of the last four qualifiers for the World Cup.
In fact, Kuyt hasn't been left out of a Dutch squad for over three years, but that doesn't really fit the returning hero narrative.
Ballsy 'Exclusive' Of The Day
'Manchester United have stepped up their pursuit of £20million German star Mats Hummels' - The Daily Star.
A very quick Google search reveals that the Daily Mirror, the Metro and the Daily Express all published the same story over the course of the last week. Standard.
Quote Of The Day
'Cole shot a work experience kid at the training-ground. Who can defend that? He was an idiot. But he isn't a gangster' - Adrian Durham criticises those who criticise Ashley Cole in the Daily Mail. Mediawatch has heard Cole called many, many things. But never a 'gangster', which rather undermines having a popping at those who do.
Headline Of The Day
'Juve Put Turin brakes On Sanchez To Arsenal' - Someone at the Metro like their decade-old music references.
Worst Headline Of The Day
'Roovealed' - Because Wayne Rooney is wearing Manchester United's new kit. We grow ever wearier with The Sun
Football Story Of The Day
'Russia's first-round exit from the World Cup might have sparked angry condom throwing and furious debates in Parliament but one Orthodox priest is rejoicing over the end of the "homosexual abomination".
'Alexander Shumsky took exception to the brightly coloured football shoes worn by players competing in Brazil, the Moscow Times reported.
'In a column for Russian People's Line, a Christian website, he claimed that players wearing green, yellow, pink or blue shoes were promoting the "gay rainbow".
'"Wearing pink or blue shoes, [the squad] might as well wear women's knickers or a bra," Shumsky wrote, adding that he was also offended by the "unthinkable" hairstyles of some of players.
'"Therefore I am glad that the Russian players have failed and, by the grace of God, no longer participate in this homosexual abomination"' - Independent. An interesting twist on the #worstworldcupever hashtag.
Thanks to Gary Lang, but nobody else. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.