It would be a shame to lose John Terry by not making him the next England manager. Plus why it's always about Mourinho (when you write about Mourinho)...
The Mail REVEAL that Louis van Gaal likes to practise passing, Ian Wright forgets a whole season and there's an obsession with Joe Hart...
If you ever required proof of how low the Daily Mail is willing to stoop in its pursuit of clicks, this was the immediate reaction to Germany's 7-1 victory over Brazil on MailOnline. The article, which claimed that Mesut Ozil 'ran from side-to-side like a lost and confused child', has now been removed.
Neil Ashton, from the same newspaper, wrote in March that Ozil 'isn't worth two-bob' after he was substituted at half-time against Bayern Munich, ignoring the fact that the midfielder picked up a hamstring injury just two minutes into the match.
Mediawatch would say the Mail are a little obsessed, but then it's a proven formula.
Speaking of Ashton, Mediawatch was left rather confused by the laboured intro to his column in the Daily Mail.
'The vanishing foam being used to make sure defensive walls retreat a full ten yards at the World Cup will come in handy over the next few days,' he begins.
'The Brazil team should be scrubbed out, wiped from the history of the game after they were picked off by Joachim Low's rampant Germany outfit.
'What a vanishing act this was, with Julio Cesar, Maicon, captain David Luiz, Dante and Marcelo turning in one of the worst performances at the highest level in living memory.'
Even worse than Spurs under Andre Villas-Boas, Neil? Even worse than two-bob Ozil?
Also, that intro makes no sense. The vanishing foam is called vanishing foam because it vanishes shortly after being sprayed on the pitch. It doesn't make things disappear.
How Did That Go?
David Luiz, speaking on Monday, on being handed the Brazil captaincy against Germany: "It won't be a tough job at all."
Oh, David Luiz.
Note to Rio Ferdinand: You cannot claim to have 'called it' when your prediction that one team would win is followed by the most incredible result in World Cup history. Calling it would have been to state that Germany would inflict an unprecedented defeat on Brazil, not simply saying they would reach the final.
Klose But No Cigar
'In England we would have written off Miroslav Klose by now for being too old,' writes Jamie Redknapp in the Daily Mail. 'His selection will have raised eyebrows in Germany but it shows imagination from Joachim Low to pick a specialist and proves Germany have the perfect blend of youth and experience.'
Yes, it really shows imagination to pick someone with 69 goals in 132 caps before the tournament, regardless of age. Especially when that player a) brings invaluable experience of tournament football b) has been a regular member of the squad for 13 years and c) is driven by the desire to break the all-time World Cup scoring record.
As for Redknapp's claim that he 'thought Maicon was finished after he was terrorised by Gareth Bale' - that was four years ago, Maicon has played football since. Notably at Roma, who finished second in Serie A last season with the Brazilian an integral part of a defence that conceded just 25 goals.
Said Martin Keown during his co-comms duty for the BBC: "Brazil totally reliant on one player. Neymar at one end, Thiago Silva at the other."
Writes Charlie Wyett in The Sun: 'The police and military will have been on red alert last night with the fear the massive demonstrations which have threatened to ruin this country would now begin.'
Ruin the country? No more so than the corruption and inequality against which the protests were staged.
It's Nice To Be Nice
Said Dusan Tadic on completing his move to Southampton: "It is a really nice feeling. This is a really nice club of which I have heard a lot of good things. I have already seen the beautiful training centre and there are lots of nice people that work here including the coaches, so I am really happy to be here."
Like most of you, Mediawatch watched in shock as Germany made history on Tuesday night, but it seems The Sun's Steven Howard was slightly distracted amid the chaotic scenes in Belo Horizonte: 'Some of the prettiest girls in the world stood, mouths open in disbelief, and wept. And we cried along with them. Not for the first time in the past month did we want to put an arm round them.'
Alright fella, keep it in your pants.
Least Surprising Story Of The Day
'Tottenham are trying to hijack Liverpool's swoop for Belgian World Cup star Divock Origi' - The Sun.
Crying Shame Of The Day
'Craig Bellamy has snubbed an offer to go on Strictly Come Dancing as he bids to become a respected manager...Bellamy is anxious to be taken seriously as a potential manager, so when popular BBC TV show Strictly came calling recently about this year's series, MirrorSport understands Bellamy politely declined.'
Worst Headline Of The Day
'It's Alou and goodbye' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Health officials in Thailand were forced to have a man remove his penis after the man injected it with olive oil in an attempt to increase its size.
'The man injected his penis with olive oil after his friends told him it would make it bigger.
'The practice, which can also involve bees wax, silicone or even paraffin, is common in Thailand, and one Bangkok hospital reports that 40 patients a month receive treatment for side effects.
'The 50-year-old man was forced to remove his penis after he developed a severe infection after injecting his penis with olive oil over a number of years' - Elite Daily
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotters Paul Hamilton, Martin Ansell and Gareth Morris. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.