Martin Samuel has a (foolproof) system to give Arsenal a tougher draw, whilst Roy Hodgson is now the same person as Adrian Durham...
Successful manager Martin Keown has some wise words for Louis van Gaal. The Dutchman is comparing unfavourably to Brendan Rodgers on 'clarity of vision'...
P*ssing And Moaning
There's nothing designed to destroy your World Cup high quite like a Martin Samuel article on how the Premier League isn't as strong as many would like to believe. His reasoning on this occasion? The hackneyed line that top-flight clubs can't attract the world's best talent, of course.
'He looks great, Alexis Sanchez. Not best-player-at the-World Cup great, obviously. Not Golden Ball great. Not Thomas Muller. Not Lionel Messi. Not Arjen Robben. Not even Luis Suarez, for all his problems. But great, yes. Premier League great,' writes Samuel in the Daily Mail.
'He'll do for us. And that is the disturbing message for English football from this World Cup. There is what we regard as great in the Premier League, and then there is the notch up.'
Now, Mediawatch could p*ss and moan about Samuel's p*ssing and moaning as we always do but, considering we've done this dance countless times before, we'll say just two things about his over-simplified point of view:
1) If Thomas Muller belongs in the top bracket of footballers, then he should certainly be joined by Alexis Sanchez, based both on the duo's stats and that more old-fashioned hobby of using your eyes.
2) Premier League clubs have never signed ready-made superstars. There is no history of it being commonplace. This is a league in which players make their name, as Samuel surely knows.
Mediawatch looks forward to saying exactly the same thing in 2016, 2018 and every two years for what already feels like eternity.
Headline in the Mail On Sunday: 'Does this mean England are the worst of the worst?'
The logic behind that question: 'To prove how far away Roy Hodgson was from World Cup glory - England were beaten by Italy, who were beaten by Uruguay, who were beaten by Colombia, who were beaten by Brazil, who were beaten by Germany. If the losing streak continues and Germany are defeated by Argentina tonight, it means England were further away from winning the World Cup than any of the 32 finalists who took part.'
The answer: No, obviously not. What is wrong with you?
'Messi Saves Best Till Last' reads the headline on Jamie Redknapp's big-match analysis in the Daily Mail.
Writes Redknapp: 'Lionel Messi had clearly stored up something extra for this final. He showed the pace and sharpness that he has lacked in the last few matches.'
He was so sharp, in fact, that not one of his four shots - including a clear-cut chance at the start of the second half - hit the target. Thank goodness he saved his best til last.
Tortured Intro Of The Day
Writes Brian Barwick in the Daily Mail: 'And so to Match 64, or the World Cup final as you and I call it.'
Thanks. For. That.
Curious Analysis Of The Day
Barwick continues, rating the BBC commentary team: 'It's Guy Mowbray's second World Cup final for the BBC, Mark Lawrenson has fought off tough opposition to retain his place, probably on the basis he will concentrate on the quality of the football more than the quips.'
Either this is the driest sarcasm Mediawatch has read for some time, or Barwick is talking about a different Mark Lawrenson.
Delusions Of Grandeur
Only keen lover of Alan Pardew, Alan Pardew, could thank himself for Newcastle finally completing the capture of Remy Cabella - good news that they oddly buried in the middle of the World Cup final:
"I'd like to pay tribute to my staff, in particular Graham, myself, Lee and Mike and everyone on the board who worked really hard for this one because he's a player we think is important."
Clutching At Straws
You might think that Aston Villa are set for another season of struggle following several unconvincing summer signings, but the Birmingham Mail's Mat Kendrick is surprisingly upbeat about the new arrivals.
'Fulham had the worst defensive record in the Premier League last season, conceding 85 goals, and Villa have signed two of their defenders,' writes Kendrick.
'But Senderos spent half of the campaign on loan at Valencia, while versatile Richardson was not used exclusively as a left-back by the Cottagers.'
See, Villa fans? It's not all bad.
Diego's Special Sauce
Writes Martin Samuel in the Daily Mail: 'He was beginning to look leggy, tired, played out - as Gary Lineker, and Messi's own father, feared. Maradona said you cannot be too spent for a World Cup final, but he did have a rather unique way of pulling himself through the big ones. This, however, was all above board.'
What on earth are you insinuating, Martin?
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'Germans Make Their Merk In A Classic Finale' - The Sun.
'Hand Of Got' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Officials at a border entry point were shocked to discover two live parrots inside an Elmo doll after an x-ray flagged up something unusual.
'The birds were found by agriculture specialists on July 1 at an Arizona entry port on the U.S.-Mexico border.
'Workers cut open the doll, which was modelled on the well-known Sesame Street character, after a routine check.
'The birds, which belonged to a couple, were seized and the man and woman were fined $300 (£175).'
Thanks to today's Mediawatch spotter Mike Ward. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.