How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
Compare And Contrast
Considering his staunch defence of David Moyes throughout last season, up to the point of the manager's sacking, Mediawatch finds it odd that The Sun's Neil Custis uses Louis van Gaal's arrival to highlight the Scot's weaknesses.
'Louis van Gaal brought music to the ears of Manchester United fans when he declared 'I am here to be No. 1,' writes Custis.
'Last season under David Moyes it was about 'try' 'hope' and 'aspire'. But with Van Gaal you sense it is about 'doing' - and he is here to do it.'
Custis also claims, in no particular order, that:
* 'Moyes looked like a kid whose Christmases had all come at once when he was introduced as Manchester United manager.'
*'It is clear that after last year's disastrous season at Old Trafford that there is no longer space at the club for the long-term planning that Moyes used to go on about.' (The same long-term planning that Custis repeatedly called for.)
* 'You always felt this was a step too far (for Moyes). The whole magnitude of the role seemed to overwhelm him at times. By the end you were wincing at what you saw.' (Or, Neil, you were still calling for Moyes to be given time, even after the 3-0 defeat to Liverpool at Old Trafford.)
* 'Moyes wrongly wanted United to adapt to him rather than the other way round.'
Come off it, Neil, you backed Moyes relentlessly during an abysmal campaign for United so it's a bit late to claim you recognised he wasn't right for the job three months after his dismissal.
What happened to this view from last season? 'He has carried the role well and is handling the pressure. He has been very open and honest about what he has inherited. He suggested it was not quite the squad some people might have thought and he is right. But it is still a very good group of players and one that needs to step up for the new manager...he will work hard, he will see it through and I'm convinced it will come good.'
Or this: 'It seems the likeable Scot is being judged from week to week right now. I believe Moyes should be judged not today, but this time next year. I believe Moyes has been unlucky too. I saw plenty of performances like those which saw United lose to Newcastle, Everton and Tottenham during Sir Alex's final season. The difference then was things would just fall for them, the woodwork would be replaced by a rippling net.'
Mediawatch would provide dates for those stories, but it seems that everything Custis wrote about Moyes was updated on April 23 - the day after the manager's sacking. How convenient.
Lies, Damned Lies And Statistics
'He's Not Always A Messiah!' chuckles The Sun's headline as they investigate Louis van Gaal's previous managerial record.
Below, The Sun detail how each of Van Gaal's four previous clubs fared in the season before his reign compared to their performance under the Dutchman, with big green arrows indicating success at Ajax and AZ and big red arrows pointing to failure at Barcelona and Bayern Munich.
The only problem with this graphic - based entirely on win percentage - is that it's incredibly superficial. So, when Bayern Munich's Bundesliga win rate decreased from 59% to 56% following Van Gaal's appointment, it doesn't take into account that the club won the double in his first year in charge and reached the Champions League final.
Nor does it acknowledge his two league titles in his first spell at Barcelona, along with the Copa del Rey and UEFA Super Cup. It simply tells us that Barca's win percentage of 67% in the season before Van Gaal's arrival at Camp Nou (which spell, The Sun don't specify) dropped to 58% during the Dutchman's two reigns.
Give him a big red arrow. The big bloody failure.
Said West Brom boss Alan Irvine: "When you look for full-backs now the prices have changed as a result of what happened with Luke Shaw. Players are worth a lot more than before and that makes it more difficult for us. We need several more new faces in."
Yep, Luke Shaw's transfer fee explains exactly why West Brom are struggling to sign Alan Hutton.
Headline in the Daily Mirror: 'WE WON'T PANIC BUY LIKE SPURS...Rodgers: We'll invest Suarez money wisely'.
Actual quotes from Brendan Rodgers: "Obviously Luis going goves us the clout to go and spend more and we are getting the right type of player in. We certainly won't sepnd just for the sake of spending, it has to be the sort of player who is going to improve us."
Mentions of Spurs: Zero, of course.
But What About The Calendar?
With each passing bulls**t season, the papers concoct new and imaginative methods to spark transfer rumours. If a player isn't included in the club's kit launch, it must be because he's leaving. If he's out of the team photo, he's probably signing for a new club as we speak. And of course, no player left out of a club calendar has ever made it to the end of the season. It's not like there are only 12 pages that need filling.
Despite having this in mind, Mediawatch was still surprised at the invention in Friday's Daily Star, who claim 'Mario Balotelli gives strongest hint YET that he wants Arsenal move'.
What could this hint be, we wonder? Did he wear an Arsenal shirt on live TV? Did he get the club's badge tattooed on his manhood? Has he sent Gunnersaurus a friend request on Facebook?
Nope. He was photographed in front of the Arsenal crest, which happened to be on the doors of the Puma store in front of which Balotelli was standing.
Worst come-and-get-me plea ever.
Tedious Daily Mail Story Of The Day
Headline on the MailOnline: 'Gerard Deulofeu appears to mock Real Madrid forward Cristano Ronaldo's goal celebration at Barcelona training ground.'
No he doesn't, it's just two lads messing around on a car park. But any excuse to get Ronaldo into a headline, eh?
'Sheffield Wednesday close in on deal for French midfield ace' - Talksport.
The 'French midfield ace' in question is of course Florian Tardieu, relegated from Ligue Two last season.
Worst Headline Of The Day
''Fatem' On Weigh Out' - the Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Michael Gove got stuck in the toilet on his first full day as government Chief Whip, according to Labour's Shadow Leader of the Commons, Angela Eagle.
'The former education secretary was given a new job in charge of party discipline in this week's reshuffle. Ms Eagle told MPs he had not had the "most auspicious of starts".
'She said that on Wednesday Mr Gove "managed to get stuck in the toilet in the wrong lobby and he nearly broke his own whip".
'The new Leader of the Commons, William Hague, offered a light-hearted defence of Mr Gove, saying "knowledge of who is in the toilets in whatever lobby is a very important piece of information for any chief whip and I take this as evidence that he was carrying out his duties very assiduously"' - BBC.
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