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The Sun launch a marketing campaign with no flaws, we're shocked by the stats that reveal that speed merchant Raheem Sterling is quite quick and more...
'£52m to keep Aguero' screams the back page of The Sun, regarding Sergio Aguero's potential new contract at Manchester City. 'City plot mega deal', reads the tagline.
We are all too sensible to think that this £52million is a big one-off payment in order to keep the Argentinean at the club, so the only question is what sort of pay rise are City offering him to justify that figure being screamed? Well, they're not, as the article reveals below the sensational headline.
'Manchester City plan to offer Sergio Aguero a bumper new deal worth a minimum £52million to ties him down until 2019. Talks have already taken place... although the striker's £200,000-a-week wages could stay the same.'
Yes, that's right. Aguero is currently paid £10.4million a year, and he will continue to be paid £10.4million a year, which equates to £52million should he a) be offered the contract now, b) sign it immediately and c) stay for the entire length of it. Can a deal be 'mega' or 'bumper' if it is simply a continuation of the existing deal?
Finally, Aguero's current deal doesn't even expire until 2017, so the extension would only be two years anyway. Making '£20.8m to keep Aguero' the accurate headline.
Maybe that wasn't enough to make it the 'cash sensation' that The Sun claim it to be.
Scraping The Barrel
The inevitable post-World Cup lull occasionally makes things difficult for Mediawatch. The golf, the England cricket team and the Commonwealth Games are getting the focus of the tabloid media, meaning football guffery is sparse on the ground.
Thankfully, the same problem affects the writers themselves, forced to come up with stories in order to fill football column inches. The result is that which would normally be deemed utterly meaningless suddenly gains importance, with a story in The Sun today's prime example.
'Jermain Dessert' is the utterly awful headline on a piece by Paul Jiggins actually described as an 'exclusive'. They should be ashamed of themselves.
The story involves, and you might want to take a seat in case it rocks your very world, is that Jermain Defoe misses Ambrosia custard whilst playing in Canada. Yes, that's it.
Amazingly, Jiggins manages to stretch the story out for 14 paragraphs, and it even includes a mocked up image of Defoe in his FC Toronto kit holding a carton of the product. Dear, dear me.
Note to Jermain: get on the internet. It took Mediawatch three seconds to find the custard in question available on a Canadian website.
Use It Or Lose It
The Daily Mail have sent Ian Ladyman out to America to follow Manchester United's pre-season tour. If the No. 1 story on the Mail website is anything to go by, it was a tremendous decision.
'Louis is losing it! Angry boss rips into Manchester United players during training in LA as he finally shows them his tough side,' blerts out the headline. Losing it, is he? Well, not really. But all that happened is that United held a training session, so there isn't a lot else to say.
The entire story consists of 14 sentences, in which 'losing it' is roughly translated as 'criticised players for missing the target whilst also high-fiving them when they scored'. We'll show you 'losing it'.
At least the Mail pad out their nothing story with 20 photos and four videos, as is the norm.
Taking The Mikael
Someone made the savvy decision to stick a microphone under the chin of former Manchester United defender Mikael Silvestre on Tuesday, and boy did it turn out well. Let's just say that it's a good job the Frenchman wasn't speaking in a glass house, because the stone-throwing would have caused a great deal of damage.
"They [Manchester City] just buy trophies. United are all about growing players. The way they do their business, it doesn't get people to support them. City buy multiple stars and shut the door to the youth system."
Yes of course, bloody City. Although there is that £65million that Untied have spent this summer. And the £70million spent last season. And the £68million spent the season before. And the £50million spent the... you get the picture.
"United have more courage. They are a club with a family spirit."
Indeed, and nothing says "family spirit" more than a former player speaking at an event organised by the club's official global timekeeping partner Bulova whilst the team tour America on what even Louis van Gaal has criticised as a purely commercial exercise. Presumably those families can gather round the television at 3.30am tomorrow to watch their Chevrolet FC Cup match against LA Galaxy.
One only hopes that Silvestre doesn't have a nasty injury when he eventually falls off his high horse.
Mediawatch has grown a little weary with how the BBC's once excellent Gossip Column has become slightly more click-wh**ey with its 'Best Of Social Media' section, but one of their entries did make us sigh more than most.
'Manchester City goalkeeper David De Gea posted a photograph of him and David Beckham, with the caption: "With a legend!"'
It's one thing taking your 'news' from the tweets of footballers, but when you combine that with mixing up the two Manchester clubs it starts to look very wretched indeed.
Shout out to the Daily Express for including the phrase 'former beetroot factory worker' in their piece on Rickie Lambert.
That's a big stamp on Mediawatch's Liverpool bingo card. House.
Like The Wolf
"That's the key for us. We've got hungry players.
"He's [Adam Lallana] a great human being, he's here because he's hungry. From what I've seen from him so far in training, he's been absolutely fantastic; hungry, technically good and tactically very, very good."
Did Brendan Rodgers miss lunch?
Timing Of The Day
Top work from BT Sport (as reported by the Daily Mail), who cut to an advert break as Alan Pardew and Fabricio Coloccini were laying wreaths to commemorate the deaths of Newcastle supporters John Alder and Liam Sweeney, before cutting back to footage halfway through the minute's silence.
"We apologise for any upset caused by a mistimed break during the Newcastle game," a spokesperson said. "The timing was unintentional."
Headline Of The Day
'Crock Is Ticking' - Nice from The Sun on Abou Diaby's fitness.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'A couple in Florida thought they'd give fellow beach goers a show by having sex for 25 minutes before taking a dip in the ocean.
'Jose "Benny" Caballero and Elissa Alvarez just couldn't resist each other during a trip to Cortez Beach, Bradenton, so proceeded to have sex on their towels - much to the dismay of one woman, who was at the beach with her grandchildren.
'She proceeded to record the couple rather than immediately call the police or attempt to stop them.
'"This went on for about 25 minutes,' the anonymous grandmother said. The couple then went for a swim before returning to their beach towels for a nap.
'"They laid on the beach and passed out for hours,' The woman continued. 'We thought they were dead, but when they woke up, they cuddled for a while, then started into the same thing they did before.'
'Police were eventually called, but not before witnesses determined the couple were indeed copulating - which took a solid half hour of filming to figure out. The duo were arrested and charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour' - Metro
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