How do you sell a match report for a 1-1 draw? And why does Thierry Henry need putting in his place? We take a look at the day's newspapers to save you the bother...
The Daily Mail arrive fashionably late to the Roy Keane story, and The Sun reveal Mario Balotelli's 'secret'...
'Louis Van Gaal makes JIBE at sacked Manchester United boss David Moyes,' blasts the Daily Star's headline.
Oh dear. What has Van Gaal said to pile more misery on poor old David Moyes?
"We have four No. 10s, so the selection is not balanced in my eyes."
Is that it? He's questioned the balance of the squad and somehow that's a JIBE at Moyes?
Oh boy, that must really sting.
How To Deal With Media Pressure
Said Louis van Gaal: "No, I'm sorry, the pressure I lay on myself is much bigger than you can apply."
The gauntlet has been thrown.
You may remember The Sun's awful front page on the day Sir Alex Ferguson's retirement was confirmed, and the paper has resurrected its favourite reference now Louis van Gaal is in charge.
On perhaps the slowest news day of the summer so far, The Sun lead with the headline: 'HAIRDRYER II...LvG's the new Fergie'.
Three images of Van Gaal adressing individual players accompany the back page story, with comedy speech bubbles and invented orders ('It's my way or the highway') attached.
The Sun's story is essentially a report on a manager asking his players to follow instructions. But, seeing as that isn't sensational enough, we're told that...
*'Van Gaal gave his players the hairdryer treatment'
*'Wayne Rooney copped an earful'
*'LvG had stern words'
*'All his players were given a ticking off if they failed to do what was asked'
This is the problem with Van Gaal's force of personality - every single insignificant action is going to be exaggerated into an example of the manager stamping his authority. Sigh.
Foot In Mouth
Said Ed Woodward on Manchester United's tour of the US: "We've got more fans here than we have in the UK."
He really doesn't get it, does he?
Let It Go
Here are some facts:
*The Daily Mirror's Brian Reade is a Liverpool fan.
*Some Liverpool fans are still struggling to accept Fernando Torres' decision to join Chelsea in 2011.
*Brian Reade is one of those Liverpool fans.
In a bizarre column defending Michael Owen's earnings at Newcastle by castigating Torres, Reade writes: 'In Owen's defence, he spent most of his time in plaster cast. And his earnings sound almost like poverty pay when compared to Fernando Torres, whose £175,000-a-week salary means in three-and-a-half years at Chelsea he's picked up £31.8m...
'It's no wonder Jose Mourinho has spent big on Diego Costa and wants to bring back Didier Drgoba. Or why, instead of moving, Torres sits in his country house counting his money. The only wonder is why he always has such a gob on him.'
Mediawatch doesn't know what it's more puzzled by - someone who counts Jack Jones as one of the three greatest men he's ever met suggesting that Owen's £25m income at Newcastle sounds 'almost like poverty pay' or the bizarre timing of this rant against Torres.
Just let it go, Brian.
'West Ham are ready to offload Ravel Morrison - because the midfielder is not in Sam Allardyce's plans for the new season,' writes Darren Lewis in the Daily Mirror.
This sounds intriguing. What could possibly be the reason for why he's not in Big Sam's plans?
'It comes two years after Morrison, 21, refused to drink anything other than official 'West Ham bottled water' during a pre-season stay in Germany.'
Hang on...surely...but...no, no we're truly stumped on this one.
Sidebar Of Shame
It's been a quiet week in football with not much happening on the transfer front, and the MailOnline's sidebar of shame reflects the tumbleweed rolling through the game.
Indeed, you would be forgiven for forgetting that you were on a sports website when you cast your eyes down the list of stories, which includes:
*'Robbie Fowler mocks Liverpool legend Ian Rush with a fake moustache'
*'AC Milan aim to bring back Liverpool's old Spice Boys look'
*'Sami makes a splash! Khedira and girlfriend leap into lagoon on well-earned holiday'
*'What a tank! Pogba takes in New York dressed in bizarre top'
*'Joel Campbell enjoys romantic break in Paris with girlfriend'
*'Bacary Sagna and his wife enjoy a sun-soaked trip to Miami'
It was a close race, but none of those beat Mediawatch's favourite non-story on the MailOnline: 'Mourinho is streets ahead...boss leads Chelsea squad on walk in Austria.'
Is this really what it has come to? Man goes for a walk?
Roll on the start of the season...
State Of The Nation
Mediawatch is no fan of the English obsession with captains, never more so than when the debate is focused on England. However, we must admit to being taken aback by Joe Cole's suggestion of who should inherit the armband from Steven Gerrard.
"The captain's role is more important here than in other countries," said Cole. "Jordan (Henderson) is a genuine contender for the job. He's a good character and is coming off the back of a good season with Liverpool."
We're loath to enter this discussion - even on a day when the papers are dominated by the Commonwealth Games - but if the captain's role is 'more important' in England, then surely it demands an incumbent with more experience than Henderson? It's easily forgotten that he only made his first competitive start against Italy at the World Cup.
Laboured Jiggins Intro Of The Day
Writes Paul Jiggins in The Sun: 'Mauricio Pochettino is teaching his Spurs stars how to handle the press. But the new Tottenham boss is not giving his players media training. Instead he is drilling into them the pressing game he hopes will fire them to glory this season.'
Ooooohhhh, the banter.
Quote Of The Day
Said Martin O'Neill on Robbie Savage: "I once said to him in the dressing room: 'Robbie, you only lack one thing...and that's ability."
Worst Headline Of The Day
'It's Man Love' - The Sun on Manuel Pellegrini's respect for Louis van Gaal.
'It's Besic Instinct' - the Daily Mirror.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Doctors in India have extracted 232 teeth from the mouth of a 17-year-old boy in a seven-hour operation.
'Ashik Gavai was brought in with a swelling in his right jaw, Dr Sunanda Dhiware, head of Mumbai's JJ Hospital's dental department, told the BBC.
'The teenager had been suffering for 18 months and travelled to the city from his village after local doctors failed to identify the cause of the problem.
'Doctors have described his condition as "very rare" and "a world record"' - BBC.
Thanks to Zubair Timol. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.