Brendan Rodgers is the best thing since sliced bread, says Brendan Rodgers. We really are getting tired of his nonsense...
Steven Gerrard would never swap shirts - he's English! Phil Thompson must be confused right now, a woman takes a very long breath and Roy Hodgson on gay folk...
Spot The Odd One Out
'Andy Carroll's injury nightmare at West Ham continued after it emerged last night that he has torn the ligaments in his left ankle and is out for at least four months' - the Daily Mail.
'Andy Carroll is "devastated" after it was confirmed he will be out for four months with torn ankle ligaments' - the Daily Mirror.
'Andy Carroll has cost West Ham a whopping £12.35million per goal. Striker Carroll, 25, is earning £100,000 a week at Upton Park but made only 15 league appearances last season because of injury and suspension. Now the Hammers ace faces another four months on the sidelines...' - The Sun.
Guff, Part One
Mediawatch doesn't usually like to get involved in transfer tittle-tattle, but two lines in the last two days have really emphasised the amount of bulls**t doing the rounds this summer.
On Thursday, the Daily Mirror claimed, with a straight face, that 'Liverpool target' Marco Reus 'could be available this summer for around £25m'.
The same paper reported in January: 'With a £40m release clause, it is unlikely (Manchester) United would be able to prise Reus away from Borussia Dortmund in this window, although he remains high up on Moyes' list of targets.'
This means one of two things: either Dortmund have lost their minds and reduced the asking price for Reus (in which case, why on earth has no-one made a move for a genuinely world-class player for just £25m, regardless of his recent injury?), or the Mirror's report is complete and utter b*llocks.
We'll let you decide.
Secondly, the Daily Express report with an eye-catching headline on Friday: 'Arsenal set to land Real Madrid veteran Iker Casillas with five-year contract worth £7m'.
However, as is now the norm at the Express, they also include a crucial "it wasn't me, guv" line to avoid being accused of fabricating such obvious nonsense.
'Reports from Spanish newspaper Sport, claim Arsenal have offered the 33-year-old international a five-year deal worth £1.4m per-year,' they report.
That's right, Arsenal think they can get Iker Casillas for just £27,000 a week. Are we honestly expected to believe this bulls**t?
They're not even trying anymore.
Said Jose Mourinho on a possible return for Didier Drogba: "He is still very adapted to the needs of the Premier League and we are thinking about it in a non-emotional way."
Very sensible, Jose. You wouldn't want to sign a player simply because he has ties to the club and when you factor in...oh, what's that?
"And because we know his heart is pushing him to where he feels he belongs, and because our boss (Roman Abramovich) has this big feeling towards him, we are thinking about the possibility. Mr Abramovich is very intelligent and he feels that people belong to the club. We feel that Didier belongs to us."
Yes, you wouldn't want messy emotions to get in the way.
One To Keep Your Eye On
"We feel that our squad is what we want," Jose Mourinho told Sport magazine. "We don't want a squad of only end-products, we also want to bring to the first team three, four or five under-21s and development players, so we are happy with the balance that we have."
Number of under-21 players Chelsea have used in the Premier League in the last two seasons: Three.
Appearances handed to those three under-21 players: One start and five sub appearances.
We'll believe it when we see it, Jose.
Headline on The Telegraph's football website: 'James Rodriguez: Real Madrid must sign Radamel Falcao'
Actual quotes from James Rodriguez: "He has not said anything to me and it's not really for me to talk about, but Falcao is a great goalscorer and could play here. It is up to the club."
Guff, Part Two
Mediawatch enjoyed reading Simon Jones' transfer wrap for the MailOnline on Thursday as he battled an internal conflict over rumours linking Cristiano Ronaldo with a Real Madrid exit.
'Could Cristiano Ronaldo really leave Real Madrid?' the story asks, with two contradictory subheadings stating:
'Real Madrid ready to sanction the sale of star man Cristiano Ronaldo'
'But he is a huge money-maker for Real and his sale could be a year away'
Below, a clearly reluctant Jones writes: 'One to be taken with a pinch of salt maybe but the rumours circling the corridors at the Bernabeu are that Real Madrid may be ready to sanction the sale of Cristiano Ronaldo following the purchase of James Rodriguez and Toni Kroos.
'Unthinkable, perhaps, but Financial Fair Play will come into the reasoning...
'Commercially, he is a huge money-maker for the club and any departure may still be a year away.'
'Pinch of salt', 'unthinkable'...Mediawatch imagines Jones had to take a long, lonely walk after churning out that nonsense.
'Here's three he's already seen off' chirp The Sun on their story about Petr Cech preparing to fight for his place at Chelsea. Attached is a graphic of three former Blues keepers with big red crosses above their heads. We'll give them Carlo Cudicini, but Mediawatch is struggling to think of anything more disingenuous than including Ross Turnbull and Henrique Hilario as two players Cech had to 'see off'. Beating Thibaut Courtois to the No. 1 spot shouldn't be a problem, then...
Paul Lambert, speaking about Joe Cole on July 10: "He still wants to do really well and he's still hungry to do really well. That's a sign of a top, top player. He can make things happen. If he can perform the way I know he can then we have got a really good player on our hands."
Said Lambert on Thursday: "Joe has a little knock on his thigh. He will be touch and go for Saturday - I won't rush him."
Childish Giggle Of The Day
"Both balls are in the air with regards to Winston and Ravel but both are players we like very, very much" - West Ham owner David Sullivan.
Quote Of The Day
Said West Brom boss Alan Irvine: "I don't know much about Brown Ideye (the new club-record signing)." Mediawatch fears this isn't going to end well.
Worst Headlines Of The Day
'Osvaldo is Inter a move' - The Sun.
'Palacios left in a Qat flap' - The Sun.
'Pell: Kel is worth the hell' - The Sun.
'No cruise for Tom' - The Sun.
'Deal Gus-Tration' - The Sun.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Russian scientists have lost contact with an experimental satellite filled with geckos that was to be the focus of new research on animal sex in zero-gravity.
'The Foton-M4 spacecraft was launched from Kazakhstan's Baikonur Cosmodrome on 19 July and made several orbits of the planet before it stopped responding to commands from Roscosmos, Russia's Federal Space Agency.
'"So, there is only one-way communication," a spokesperson for mission control was quoted as saying by news agency ITAR-Tass, adding that engineers were looking to fix the problem in case life systems were disrupted, killing the creatures on board.
'The five geckos on the Foton-M4 - four female and one male - were launched into space for a 60-day flight to find out about the effects of weightlessness on the creatures' sex lives' - The Independent.
Thanks to Paul Bryant. If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.