Steven Gerrard would never swap shirts - he's English! Phil Thompson must be confused right now, a woman takes a very long breath and Roy Hodgson on gay folk...
TIREDGATE: DAY NINE, and at last it reaches the front pages. Plus why Mourinho can now be found polishing his halo, and doing as Fergie says, not as Fergie does...
Scraping The Trough
Charles Sale in the Daily Mail has got his hands on Football Association minutes, and it's exactly as interesting as it sounds. Still, any excuse to get on the FA's back.
The minute he picks is really juicy, in fairness, coming as it does from the hours directly before the FA Trophy Final in March.
So what was the big admission, the smoking gun that shows how rotten the FA are? Strap in folks....'Lunch commenced slightly later than scheduled'. BANG!
How does Sale react to such insignificant 'news'? 'The FA's ludicrous protocol committee showed once again that they care more about having their faces in the trough than anything else. No wonder FA chairman Greg Dyke wants root and branch reform of the 'increasingly irrelevant' council body.'
Mediawatch could remark that the committee having their lunch later would seem to suggest they care less, rather than more, about having their 'faces in the trough', but we will settle for this: Dear, dear me.
England aren't exactly blessed with options to be the next captain, but Dave Kidd in the Daily Mirror still manages to find the weakest of arguments when plenty of stronger ones are available.
'Mentioned last week that there were no compelling candidates to succeed Steven Gerrard as England skipper and suggestions that Joe Hart is in the frame seems to underline that fact,' Kidd begins.
That's a statement with which Mediawatch largely agrees. Hart is not captain of his club and faces a season during which his position as first-choice goalkeeper at Manchester City may come under considerable threat. In addition, there are valid questions as to whether he has the right personality for the role. He may well be an imperfect choice for any or all of those reasons.
'If the captaincy is to mean anything practical, it cannot go to a goalkeeper,' Kidd continues.
That argument would be a great deal more palatable had Dino Zoff and Iker Casillas not both captained their country to World Cup victories, and six countries at this summer's World Cup were captained by their goalkeeper. Finally, who captained England five times at World Cup '86 and '90? Peter Shilton, of course.
Rather than address the aforementioned concerns, Kidd has instead to simply use the sweeping argument of 'goalkeeper can't be captain'.
The Daily Mail's Slow Summer, Part One
One of the issues with this time of year is that news is thin on the ground, meaning mountains must be made out proverbial molehills. And that is where the Daily Mail website very much does what it does worst.
'Do Liverpool have the most tattooed defence in the Premier League?' asks the headline to a piece by John Drayton. It's like a hard-hitting episode of Question Time.
'Dejan Lovren's £20million arrival to Liverpool was the club's most expensive transfer for a defender in their history but has it sealed them the most tattooed defence in the Premier League ahead of next season?' it begins. Sigh.
'Alongside Glen Johnson, Martin Skrtel and Daniel Agger, the Croatian's move to Anfield now means Brendan Rodgers could field a back-line of heavily-inked up players.'
A few things, guys:
a) Who cares?
b) It's not news.
c) Take a long hard look at yourselves.
The Daily Mail's Slow Summer, Part Two
As Mediawatch dances its way to work in the sunshine (we like it here), it occasionally looks to the front page of the Daily Mail football website for early inspiration. It rarely fails to disappoint.
'Gerard Pique doesn't look too impressed as Barcelona arrive at £105m St George's Park for pre-season training,' blerts out the headline of a story that was TOP of their homepage on Tuesday morning.
'It may have cost over £100 million to build,' the piece begins. 'But Gerard Pique didn't appear too impressed as Barcelona arrived at St George's Park to begin their pre-season preparations.'
So, has Pique gone on strike, refusing to train in such facilities? Has he chained himself to his hotel room radiator, refusing to come out until all pitches are re-laid? No, not really.
Instead, the entire 575-word story (we'll say that again: 575 words) is based around an Instagram self-taken photo of Pique in his hotel room in which he is looks rather serious.
Kill us now.
Spot The Odd One(s) Out
Fantastic work from the Daily Mirror website, who draw Arsenal fans (and a suspicious Mediawatch) in nicely with their '4 players Arsenal should sign this summer if they want to challenge for Premier League title' article. 'Realistic is the key word,' we are reminded.
Four seems the type of number to indicate that options were thin on the ground, with its writer Lee Hurley even admitting as much: 'I don't generally have a massive shopping list...perhaps it points more to my ignorance about other players... I struggled for a few days'.
So who are these four 'realistic' signings? Well, Neven Subotic and Lars Bender are two, and both seem reasonable. Good start.
The third is Damian Martinez, an Argentinean goalkeeper who already plays for Arsenal. So not a signing at all.
The fourth is Sergio Aguero. He 'struggled for a few days' and then came up with Sergio sodding Aguero.
The Daily Mail's bizarre obsession with criticising Mesut Ozil continues in force on Tuesday, with the Mail Sport Twitter account shouting: 'Arsenal are preparing for the new season, whilst Mesut Ozil has a holiday with his girlfriend'. The bloody layabout.
Clicking on the story (remember, we do it so you don't have to) reveals a familiar intent to have a pop at Arsenal's record signing. 'As Arsenal's players gear up for this weekend's Emirates Cup, Mesut Ozil is still relaxing on holiday with his girlfriend,' a piece by David Kent snidely begins.
Later down the page comes the admission that Ozil is perfectly justified in being on holiday (which the Mail know only too well). Ozil, Lukas Podolski and Per Mertesacker have all been given an extended break after appearing in the World Cup final.
Why the incessant witch-hunt?
Worst Headline Of The Day
'You're Fella We Want' - The Daily Star stink the place out with the Marouane Fellaini rumours.
Non-Football Story Of The Day
'Doctors at Alabama's Princeton Baptist Medical Center accidentally removed a man's penis, he claims in a malpractice lawsuit.
'Johnny Lee Banks, of Birmingham, Alabama, and his wife sued the facility for medical malpractice on Tuesday, seeking an unspecified amount.
'The patient's attorney says that he'd gone to the center for a routine circumcision to prevent an infection, but instead of removing just the tip, the doctors amputated the whole thing.
'"The family was given no reason, rationale or medical purpose behind the amputation," said the lawyer, who says his client is going through "pure hell...absolute devastation."' - MTV.com
Thanks to Caislin Boyle . If you spot something that belongs on this page, mail us at email@example.com, putting 'Mediawatch' in the subject field.